


You

by edema_ruh



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholic Coma, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Bets, Breaking Up & Making Up, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Deepthroating, Developing Relationship, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enjolras is a jerk at first, Falling In Love, Fights, First Dates, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, French Kissing, Getting Back Together, Getting to Know Each Other, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Out, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, One-Sided Relationship, Oral Sex, Pining, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Destruction, Sexual Content, Slow Burn, Temporarily Unrequited Love, but he gets better I promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-12-06
Packaged: 2018-07-18 15:07:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 50,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7320142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edema_ruh/pseuds/edema_ruh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Enjolras loses a bet to Courfeyrac, which means he will have to go on a date with Grantaire. At first, he has no interest in the cynic, but his feelings begin to develop overtime. Everything seems to work perfectly fine between them - or, as fine as it can get when it's Enjolras and Grantaire -, until Grantaire finds out about the bet and thinks his relationship with Enjolras is a lie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Courfeyrac had the best of intentions when he made the bet. 

The Amis were always betting on the most different things. They were usually silly bets, that ranged from "what will be Joly's sickness of the week?" to "what body part will Enjolras get injured on this incoming protest?". They were usually harmless money bets that the group used to spend time, and they all took it light heartedly, never thinking ill of it. Even Enjolras, who wasn’t a big fan of meddling in this kind of business, participated sometimes. 

This time, though, things were different. They were celebrating Marius' birthday on a bar – Enjolras, of course, was dragged there by Combeferre, who insisted that it would be impolite for the leader not to attend – and the night was almost over. Enjolras, who wasn’t a great fan of drinking, had indulged a few too many drinks and was now sitting on a bar stool, leaning heavily on the counter beside Courfeyrac, who was cheerfully telling him a story that was going completely unheard by Enjolras. Enjolras felt tipsy and light headed, not able to concentrate on anything for too long. 

"So? What do you think?" Courfeyrac asked loudly, cheeks flushed from the alcohol. 

"What?" Enjolras frowned, not knowing what his friend meant. He hadn't been listening, he was too busy thinking about something he no longer remembered. 

"Do you take the bet?" Courfeyrac asked, looking expectant.  

"I didn’t hear a single word that you were saying", Enjolras said with sincerity, quickly adding a "Sorry" in fear of being too harsh (as everyone told him he was). 

Courfeyrac rolled his eyes, pulling the half-full glass that Enjolras was cradling away from the man and downing it in one large gulp before continuing. 

"I bet I can get Combeferre shitfaced drunk by the end of the night", Courfeyrac said, still wincing from the taste of alcohol. "If I'm wrong, I'll distribute those ABC pamphlets you've been asking me to at the uni for the next week". 

"And if you're right?" Enjolras asked, frowning. He'd been asking for Courfeyrac to distribute pamphlets for months now, since he was the most charismatic of the Amis and more likely to draw people for the cause. Combeferre was a very level headed person, and even if he enjoyed an occasional drink – more often than Enjolras –, he wasn’t stupid enough to allow Courfeyrac to get him drunk. Not shitfaced drunk, at least. 

"If I'm right", Courfeyrac smirked wickedly, "you'll have to go on a date with Grantaire". 

Enjolras sobered up a bit at the subject, sitting up straighter and uncomfortably, rolling his eyes at Courfeyrac. 

"What?" Courfeyrac asked, sounding somewhat offended despite the loud music of the bar that was swallowing their conversation and making them have to yell at each other to be heard. 

"This subject again?" Enjolras asked. "I've already said, I have no interest in dating Grantaire". 

"Why are you so difficult?" Courfeyrac protested. "Just give it a chance. What do you have to lose?" 

Enjolras was well aware of Grantaire's crush on him. He had been for a while. All the Amis insisted on making anything-but-subtle comments about Grantaire whenever Enjolras was around, or wolf-whistle whenever Grantaire talked to Enjolras outside meetings. Enjolras didn’t understand the behavior at first, and it took him a while to realize that it only happened when it was Grantaire talking to him. When he approached Combeferre on the matter – his ever trustful source for doubts and troubles -, the man refused to explain what all of that meant, but with enough pressure and insistence from Enjolras, he ended up revealing that Grantaire had 'a bit of a crush' on him. 

From that moment on, everything changed by Enjolras' eyes. Whenever Grantaire approached him outside – and inside, if he was being honest – meetings, Enjolras eyed him with close attention and suspicion for his words, trying to find a hidden meaning in them. And with given time, Enjolras found it, were it a prolonged gaze, a shrugged compliment, a sarcastic observation about his looks. Grantaire was clearly in love with Enjolras, even he could see that, as oblivious as he was told he was. 

The truth was, Enjolras did not return Grantaire's feelings for him. He found Grantaire to be an excessively loud, obnoxious, drunk cynic whose presence added nothing to their cause. He was always disrupting meetings with his sarcastic statements, always interrupting Enjolras' speeches by discrediting his ideals and mocking Enjolras in front of everyone. If anything, Enjolras despised him. 

But ever since Enjolras got aware of Grantaire's feelings, all the Amis started to ask him why he wouldn’t give Grantaire a chance. "Why don’t you ask him on a date?", "Why don't you give it a try?", "Why don't you give him a chance?". Enjolras was flooded by those questions every day. "You have nothing to lose", they would tell him, no matter how often Enjolras dismissed their daily attempts. It was as if they were all on Grantaire's side, with no regard for Enjolras' own feelings. 

This _thing_ Courfeyrac was doing, tricking Enjolras into going to a date with Grantaire through a bet, was disgusting. It was basically forcing Enjolras to do something he didn’t want to just because everyone wanted him to do it. It was actually morally wrong. Courfeyrac hadn't thought about that, of course, he was just running out of ways of trying to make Grantaire happy. But Enjolras knew better. 

He also trusted Combeferre and knew him long enough to know that the man wouldn’t be easily tricked into getting shitfaced by Courfeyrac of all people, which is why he found himself saying, through the drunken haze of his mind: 

"Fine, I'm in". 

Courfeyrac basically beamed at this, eyes shining and smile widening. He got up from the stool, stumbling slightly and needing to lean on Enjolras' shoulder. He lifted his hand, his pinky finger sticking out at Enjolras' face. Enjolras eyed the finger with a frown, and Courfeyrac shook it as if to make a statement. 

"Pinky promise", Courfeyrac explained, smile never faltering. "This way I know you won't back out of the bet". 

Enjolras let out a deep sigh and rolled his eyes again, which made a wave of dizziness overcome him. He lifted his own hand and intertwined his pinky finger with Courfeyrac's, making the man jump in excitement. 

"Oh my god, I can't believe this is happening!" He yelled with enthusiasm. "You won't regret this, Enjolras, I promise!" 

Courfeyrac then ran away, towards Combeferre, and the bartender appeared with another shot that was meant for Courfeyrac. Enjolras eyed it for a couple of seconds, deciding whether he should drink it or not, a tiny, smothered part of his drunk brain yelling at him that he had had enough. Enjolras pushed the glass away. 

The rest of the night passed as a blur to Enjolras, who woke up at Feuilly's couch on the following morning, Bahorel and Jehan snuggled close to him – which was a true miracle, since the couch was tiny and Bahorel was a giant. 

Enjolras did his best to get up from the couch without waking the pair up, but the task was difficult due to Jehan's well-known habit of tightly clinging to people in his sleep. After a few seconds of careful struggling, Enjolras freed himself and walked to the kitchen, where Feuilly was already brewing coffee and sipping something from his mug. 

"Morning", Feuilly greeted, and the sudden sound, even if low, sent a stab of pain across Enjolras' skull. He hissed in pain, and Feuilly pushed a pill and a glass of water towards him, already prepared. "Drink up". 

Enjolras swallowed the pill and the water, climbing the chair by the kitchen counter and leaning his head on the cool surface. 

"How do you deal with this", Enjolras groaned, voice hoarse, eyes closed against the bright light of the kitchen. 

"You get used to it, eventually", Feuilly shrugged, taking the prepared coffee and pouring Enjolras a mug. 

"Where's everyone?" Enjolras asked, nodding thankfully at the mug and taking a sip of the hot liquid. 

"Oh, Grantaire, Musichetta, Joly and Bossuet are on my room. I don’t know where Combeferre and Courfeyrac are, they left the bar before we did. I assume Marius and Cosette are home". 

A sudden memory invaded Enjolras' mind and he froze on the spot, mug lifted halfway towards his mouth. 

"You okay?" Feuilly frowned, noticing the way Enjolras' eyes widened. 

"When Combeferre and Courfeyrac left the bar", Enjolras started slowly, raising his eyes to meet Feuilly's, "how was Combeferre?" 

"What do you mean?" Feuilly asked, a tinge of humor in his lips as if Enjolras and him shared a private joke. 

Enjolras swallowed dry before continuing, closing his eyes and praying for a deity he didn’t believe in that he was wrong. 

"Was he... drunk?" Enjolras finally said. 

Feuilly chuckled at this, shaking his head slightly. 

"Man", he said lightheartedly. "I had never seen Combeferre that drunk in my entire life". 

Enjolras groaned loudly and miserably, setting the mug aside to hide his face between both hands. He let his head fall against the kitchen counter, and ignored Feuilly's meek attempts at calling his attention. 

- 

"You don’t think I forgot our bet, do you?", was the first thing Courfeyrac told him as soon as they met on the day after Marius' party. 

"Of course not", Enjolras said slowly and with scorn, in a monotone. "Why would you ever forget that". 

"Here is the evidence that I won, in case you're thinking about doubting me", Courfeyrac said, pushing his phone towards Enjolras. The leader picked it up and gazed at the screen, which showed a photo of an apparently shitfaced Combeferre sitting on the lap of a stripper wearing nothing but a bathing suit and bunny ears. One of his legs was raised sensually and his lips were pouting as if to send a kiss. Courfeyrac was behind him in the image, mouth open as if he was screaming something, hand outstretched midair holding several bills. The stripper holding Combeferre in her lap looked horrified. 

Enjolras pushed the phone back, sighing deeply and not looking at Courfeyrac.  

"Fine", Enjolras said. "When am I supposed to go on the date?" 

"Oh, no, no, no", Courfeyrac clicked his tongue, shaking his head and sitting on the couch beside Enjolras. "You'll have to ask him on the date, c'mon. It's supposed to be all cute and stuff. But since I am a nice guy, you can ask him out until the end of this week". 

Enjolras got up from the couch, suddenly annoyed at Courfeyrac's joyful presence. 

"Fine. I'll ask him tomorrow. I'm not feeling very well", Enjolras announced, even though that was a lie to get him away from Courfeyrac. "I think I'll take a nap. See you tomorrow?" 

Courfeyrac took the cue, and was smirking when he got up from the couch and headed to the front door. 

"Alright. See you tomorrow, Enjy!", he blew Enjolras a kiss before exiting the apartment and closing the door noisily behind him. 

Later that day, when Enjolras called Combeferre to call him out on his betrayal, Combeferre sounded embarrassed enough at his own self for the events of the last night. He did sound terrible on the phone, Enjolras noticed, and decided to take it easy on his best friend. 

"You don't have to do it unless you want it to, though, Enjolras", Combeferre croaked after Enjolras told him about the bet. "I'll talk to Courf, I'm sure he'll understand. You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with". 

Enjolras bit his lower lip in deep thought, considering Combeferre's words. 

"I would appreciate that", Enjolras said. "But we both know how Courf is, he'll never let this go. Plus, you all have been wearing me out with this 'ask Grantaire on a date' thing. Maybe if I actually do it, you'll leave me alone". 

Combeferre went silent at this, but Enjolras knew better than to urge him to respond. Combeferre usually went silent when in deep thought, and since he was a person who thought a lot before speaking, that meant prolonged minutes of silence over the phone. 

"It's up to you, Enjolras", Combeferre finally said. "It's your decision. Don't do this because Courf made a bet with you, or because your friends want you to. Do this because you want to. And keep in mind that, despite everything, Grantaire has feelings for you, and no one should toy with anyone's feelings". 

"I'm not toying with his feelings", Enjolras said, aware that he probably sounded like a stubborn child. "I'm giving him a chance. Like all of you said I would. I'll see how things go and, based on that, I'll make my decision". 

The subject shifted from that point and Combeferre nearly hung up at Enjolras when he mentioned the picture Courfeyrac took. When Enjolras finally hung up, he was left staring at the wall for what felt like hours, wondering what to say to Grantaire and how to ask him out. 

Grantaire might be a pain in the ass and Enjolras might not like him very much, but he still cared a little bit for the man. He didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Maybe, if he asked Grantaire out, had a terrible date and never went out again, Grantaire would be able to finally move on and fall in love with someone else, who actually loved him and could make him happy. 

That's what he was doing, Enjolras told himself. He was helping Grantaire.  

The thought didn’t make him sleep more easily on that night. 

- 

As the Monday meeting came to an end, Enjolras subtly approached Grantaire and tapped him lightly on the shoulder. 

The cynic stared back at him in surprise, which was understandable. Enjolras rarely spoke to Grantaire outside meetings, and most of their interactions started with Grantaire going to him, not the other way around. If Enjolras was calling him now, it must be about something very important. 

Grantaire frowned at the way his friends were smiling widely and winking at him as he followed Enjolras to the back room of the Musain, heart thumping madly inside his chest. He shoved his hands down his pockets to hide the fact that the palms were sweating – he was truly pathetic, wasn’t he? Enjolras tapped him on the shoulder and told him he wanted to talk and his palms were already sweating. 

When the remaining Amis left and Enjolras and Grantaire were left alone at the backroom, Enjolras finally turned around to face the cynic. He looked stoic as ever, even if his eyes fluttered nervously at Grantaire ever so often. 

"So?" Grantaire asked, raising an eyebrow and shaking his head lightly in an attempt to hide his nervousness. "Why did you call me here?" 

"I wanted to ask you something", Enjolras said, so methodically that it sounded like he had rehearsed what he was supposed to say overnight. 

"Go ahead", Grantaire shrugged, squinting a bit at Enjolras' pose. 

Enjolras stared at him fixedly for a couple of seconds before saying matter-of-factly: 

"I want to ask you on a date". 

Grantaire stared back in surprise, lips slightly parted and eyes widening the tiniest bit before going back to squinting. 

"Is this a joke?" He asked, suddenly angry. 

"Of course not!" Enjolras responded, offended. "I wouldn’t joke about something like this". 

"Then is this because the guys keep telling you to ask me out?" Grantaire squinted harder, suspicious. Enjolras took longer to reply this time, almost as if he was hesitating. 

"No", he said simply. 

Grantaire scoffed softly, still looking at Enjolras with wariness. 

"Is this out of pity?" He asked. "Because honestly, Enjolras, the last thing I need is your pi-" 

"It's not out of pity", Enjolras interrupted, already annoyed. "It's just me asking you out. You can say no if you want to, you don’t need to try to find excuses". 

"No", Grantaire quickly said, lowering his head to hide his flush of embarrassment. Could this be really happening? Was Enjolras really asking him out? Out of his own free will? "No, I mean... yeah, I'll go... if... If this is what you really want, then yes. I'll... I'll go on a date with you". 

He looked up at Enjolras, unable to suppress the smile forming on his face. Enjolras smiled back, tightly. 

"So? Where do you want to go?" Enjolras asked, picking his backpack from a table and throwing it over his shoulder. Grantaire frowned in confusion, following him out of the room as he headed to the front door of the Musain. 

"Wait, the date is right now?" Grantaire asked, trying to keep Enjolras' pace. 

"Well, yes", Enjolras replied without turning to look at Grantaire. "I thought we could go to the Corinthe, it's a small restaurant two blocks from here, it's actually pretty nice-" 

"Enjolras, I can't go on a date with you like this!" Grantaire interrupted, holding Enjolras' forearm to stop him from walking. Enjolras finally came to a halt, turning on his heels to look at Grantaire. He took a good look at the man, from head to toe. 

"I don’t see what the problem is", Enjolras finally said, raising an eyebrow. Grantaire sighed loudly, looking up at the sky in a silent cry for help. 

"Look, can you give me half an hour?", Grantaire said, nearly begging. "I live two buildings away from the Musain, we can go back to my apartment and I'll get ready in thirty minutes tops, ok?" 

"But I don’t see what's wrong", Enjolras frowned as if Grantaire was mad. "You look just fine like this. Let's go". 

"Enjolras, c'mon", Grantaire scoffed. "I wasn’t... I wasn’t expecting this, I'm not... I'm nowhere close to prepared. Just twenty minutes". 

Enjolras eyes him for a few silent seconds, taking notice of how nervous Grantaire seemed to be. He finally nodded his head, resigned. 

"Fine, let's go". 

He had been at Grantaire's apartment once, to pick up posters for a protest a few months before. The place still looked exactly the same, except for a few more books scattered around the place and a forgotten beer bottle sitting on the coffee table. 

"Make yourself comfortable", Grantaire said, smiling sympathetically as he tried to play a good host. "I'll be right back, just... ah, I don’t know. Do whatever you would do in your own home". 

Then he disappeared on a hallway, and Enjolras was left alone on the living room. 

He sat on the couch politely, fishing his phone out of his pocket and checking it. There were four new text messages. 

 **From:** **Courfeyrac** **(19:41) I left a condom inside your wallet, feel free to** **use it as many times as you want**  

 **From:** **Courfeyrac** **(19:41) Though I'd recommend using it only once because you know.......... it's a condom**  

 **From:** **Courfeyrac** **(19:42) Well anyway be safe** **Enjy** **-bear**  

 **From:** **Combeferre** **(19:45) Have a nice night and remember, do not do to others what you would not want done to you ;-)**  

Enjolras locked the screen, deciding it wouldn’t be worth to reply to any of the messages. He suddenly felt a heavy weight pressing his chest, as if he was making a terrible decision. What if he only ended up hurting Grantaire? What if the man didn’t get over him? 

He couldn’t back off now. He was already at Grantaire's, the man was getting dressed for their date, Enjolras couldn’t just call it off.  

What if he actually gave Grantaire a chance? 

A book sitting beside him on the arm rest called his attention and Enjolras picked it up. It was Fifty Shades of Grey, but when Enjolras opened it on the marked page, it was filled with highlighted passages and annotations or criticisms on the corners of the page. Enjolras read every single one of them, finding that he agreed with Grantaire on most of the points he made. 

Finding there was another forgotten book on the coffee table, Enjolras picked it up, finding the same pattern of highlights and annotations on nearly all pages. He let his curiosity speak louder and dared to enter the kitchen, finding three more books scattered there. He would have never imagined that Grantaire read that much. 

The sudden sound of a throat being cleared beside him called his attention and Enjolras looked up, only to find himself gaping in surprise. 

Enjolras could find no words to describe how Grantaire was looking, other than stunning. He was wearing tight black pants, with a dark green shirt that fit him perfectly and highlighted the color of his eyes. A dark leather jacket was thrown over his shoulder, matching his black boots. He had shaved and the pleasant smell of cologne slowly found its way to Enjolras nostrils. His thick, dark curls were brushed back, more aligned than Enjolras had ever seen them but still managing to look disheveled. He looked amazing. 

At meetings, Grantaire only showed up wearing his old grey hoodie and paint-stained jeans. His head always looked like a bird's nest and there was always five o'clock shadow on his face. On good days he looked like a hungover man, and on his bad days he looked like a drunk homeless person. Enjolras – who was not a man who gave much attention to physical appearance – had never spared a second thought to Grantaire's beauty. But seeing him like this now, he couldn’t deny that Grantaire was an attractive man when he wanted to. 

Grantaire frowned at him, smile never leaving his face, and Enjolras felt himself blush. He had been staring for too long, hadn't he? 

"You're good to go?" Enjolras asked, cleaning his own throat. Grantaire nodded contently at him, standing up straight from where he had been leaning on the kitchen's doorframe.  

"So, we're going to the Corinthe, huh?" Grantaire asked, holding the door open to Enjolras. 

"Yes", Enjolras answered shortly, unsure of what else he could say. An uneasy silence fell between them, a silence which Enjolras felt the need to fill. "Can I ask you a question?" 

"Sure thing, Apollo", Grantaire smirked, rejoicing at the way Enjolras scowled at the hated nickname. 

"Do you do that to all your books?" 

"Do what?" Grantaire asked absentmindedly as they went down the stairs of his apartment building. 

"Highlight every other phrase and scribble at the edges", Enjolras explained. 

"They're not scribbles", Grantaire protested as if he had been offended. "They're carefully thought written annotations about the highlighted passages". 

"You highlighted the phrase 'Holy cow' in Fifty Shades and wrote that it was 'the incipiency of a new, better era in modern literature'", Enjolras stated matter-of-factly. 

Grantaire rolled his eyes, smiling. 

"Alright, fine", Grantaire complied. "And yes, I do that to all my books". 

"Why?" Enjolras frowned. 

"Well, what is the point of spending actual money on a book if you can't scribble nonsense on it and ruin other people's readings when you lend it to them?" 

"And who have you leant it to?" 

"Unfortunately, no one. No one seems interested enough in my taste for books to ask for one".  

"Well, I'm afraid I can understand. I didn’t find anything appealing, either". 

"Now you offend me!", Grantaire exclaimed, raising his open palm to his chest in fake-shock. "I won't have you criticize my reading choices like this". 

"Well, I'm sorry, I was just being honest", Enjolras shrugged. 

"Oh, well? And I bet I can get you to read _and like_ one of my books". 

Enjolras shivered at the word 'bet', but shrugged to hide it. 

"Alright", he complied. "And if you can't?" 

Grantaire seemed pensive for a second before replying. 

"Then I won't impose my obnoxious presence onto you any longer", he finally said, masking his self-loathing with a smirk and a wink. 

"You're not imposing anything", Enjolras said with an eye roll as they sat on a tiny table at the corner of the Musain. "But I honestly doubt that I'll be interest in any book you could offer me. I haven't read anything non-related to poli-sci in ages". 

Grantaire's eyes shined wickedly and he smirked, tiny crinkles appearing at the edge of his eyes. 

"Ten bucks says I can change that", he purred. 

"What's up with you and bets today?" Enjolras snapped without meaning to. Grantaire leaned a bit away from him, taken aback by the sudden burst. 

"Sorry", Grantaire muttered, smile faltering ever so slightly. "I didn’t know of your dislike for bets", he pronounced the words slowly, almost sarcastically, as if well aware of how ridiculous they sounded. 

Enjolras didn’t say anything, reading the menu several times before finally deciding what he would have and telling the waitress. Grantaire made his own order and the unnusual silence returned. 

"Well", Grantaire said, trying to break the ice. "Why don't you tell me what you like, then?" 

"What do you mean?" Enjolras frowned, still reading the menu even though he had already ordered. He found he couldn’t look Grantaire in the eye for some reason. 

"Come on Apollo, we barely speak outside meetings. We barely speak _inside_ meetings, if I'm being honest, because I don't think that yelling at each other counts as speaking". He smiled, leaning forward as if to show Enjolras he was open to conversation. "We've known each other for years, but I don’t think we properly know each other". 

Enjolras gazed at Grantaire quickly before darting his eyes away to the menu again. He did this a few more times before feeling confident enough to properly look at the man and hold his gaze. 

"So, do you want to know what my favorite color is or something like that?" Enjolras asked. 

"Something like that", Grantaire smiled sympathetically, reaching and gently taking the menu from Enjolras' fidgeting hands.  

"Red", Enjolras said, and Grantaire rolled his eyes with humor. 

"What a surprise", Grantaire smiled. 

"And yours is green", Enjolras continued, arrogantly. 

"Actually, I'm afraid you're wrong", Grantaire corrected, shrugging. "Mine is red, too". 

Enjolras frowned at him, and Grantaire chuckled. 

"What about your favorite music?" Grantaire asked. "What does Apollo like to listen to?" 

"Don't call me that", Enjolras reprimanded, biting his lower lip in thought. "Well, I like to listen to anything, but I believe my favorite is those heavy metal songs about fighting the status quo and revolution and – why are you laughing?", he frowned. 

"You're so predictable", Grantaire said, but there was no malice or accusation in his tone, just amusement. 

"No, I'm not", Enjolras protested. "Why, what's your favorite music style?", he asked with scorn. 

"Well, I will listen to literally anything", Grantaire shrugged. "But I suppose my favorite is folk punk". 

"Folk punk?!" Enjolras exclaimed, surprised. "Huh. Who'd know". 

"You would", Grantaire said with a knowing look. "If you had bothered to ask". 

Their food arrived and the pair went silent, giving space to the waitress to place the plates in front of them. Once she poured their drinks they were left alone once more, tiny candlelight flickering between them and making Enjolras' golden curls glow in a godlike manner. They started eating silently, Enjolras desperately thinking of a way to escape that situation. 

He should have never accepted Courfeyrac's bet. He had thought that the date with Grantaire would be terrible, full of arguments and bickering and scorning. But this was actually nice, they were sitting in a nice restaurant, with a nice food and a nice atmosphere. Grantaire was actually being civil without being too polite, and Enjolras found himself not hating the man's company as he thought he would. And he looked – and smelled – nice, always trying to start little conversations to get to know Enjolras better.  

This wasn’t fair. The date was supposed to suck, so that Enjolras wouldn’t need to go to a second one. How would he ever turn Grantaire down now? 

"So, Apollo", Grantaire pronounced the name teasingly, smirking at Enjolras' glare. "Why are we here?" 

Enjolras frowned in confusion. 

"I thought you would like the Corinthe, it has nice food and they play live music on Thursdays-" 

"Not here  _here_ , Enjoras", Grantaire rolled his eyes. "I mean on this date. You never gave any signs of being interested in me like, ever. What came over you to suddenly ask me on a date on the middle of a Monday night?" 

Enjolras took a sip of his wine to subtly make up a response. He couldn’t tell Grantaire about the bet, even he knew that it would hurt the man's feelings. Enjolras hated lying and he rarely did so, but he could see no other way out of this. 

"I've been interested in you for some time now", Enjolras said, not looking Grantaire in the eye as he put the glass of wine back down on the table. "I have been told that my actions don’t often match my emotions, so that's probably why you couldn’t tell". 

Grantaire was staring at him with suspicion, but there was a tinge of hope deep inside his eyes. 

"And what do you expect of it?" Grantaire asked, hesitation hidden in his voice. 

"What do you mean?", Enjolras frowned. 

Grantaire smiled patiently, despite letting out a soft sigh. 

"Enjolras, we barely know each other", Grantaire explained. "We barely talk. This is the most civil we have been to each other since we met", he leant his elbows on the table, idly scratching the side of his eyebrow in a nervous manner. "I'm enjoying this, I really am, but I need to know what you expect. Is this a one-time thing? Are you looking for a relationship? Are you trying to meet new people? I'm not usually this blatant to my dates, but you know I never beat around the bush with you. I just... I need to know". 

Enjolras looked deep inside Grantaire's eyes and saw the fear and insecurity he was so desperately trying to hide. He felt terrible, terrible for ever taking the bet, for asking Grantaire out, for being sat there right in front of him. He was a terrible, terrible person. No matter how much he thought he despised Grantaire, he found himself incapable of hurting the man's feelings. Specially when he was already aware that Grantaire had feelings for him. 

"I don't know", Enjolras finally said, not sure of what else he could tell him. "I think we should see how things go. Get to know each other better before we think of starting a relationship". 

Grantaire bit his lower lip, trying – and failing – to hide a smile. 

"Well, are you free tomorrow?", he asked, shrugging slightly. 

"Only during lunch, I'm afraid", Enjolras said, not feeling bad about lying this time. He had work to get done during the evening, and speeches to work on for the next ABC meeting. He wouldn’t let anyone or anything, not even his guilt for misleading Grantaire, get in the way of his cause. 

"Would you mind it terribly if I met you for lunch?" Grantaire asked, forced certainty seepping through his tone. He smiled expectantly at Enjolras, who found himself unable not to smile back. 

"No, that would be ok", Enjolras nodded. "Meet me at the Musain, 1 p.m.?" 

Grantaire beamed at this. 

"Sure", he agreed. 

They split the bill and Grantaire announced he would walk Enjolras home, despite of the man's claims that it wasn’t necessary. While Grantaire lived basically beside the Musain, Enjolras lived nearly twenty minutes away from there, and the streets were too dark and empty at that time of the night, specially on a Monday. 

 "So, favorite movie?" Grantaire asked, walking slowly beside Enjolras, continuing their game of get to know each other. 

"I don't think I have one", Enjolras shrugged, shoving his hands into his pockets to keep them warm. "I don’t really like watching movies, they usually have too many plot issues for me to enjoy them". 

"What?!" Grantaire frowned, looking at Enjolras as if he had grown a second head. "You 'don't like movies'? What kind of person are you?" 

"It's not like I'm obliged to like them", Enjolras raised an eyebrow. 

"No, no, no. This ain't right", Grantaire shook his head, though there was humor in his voice. "I'll change that. I'll make you like movies". 

"You can try", Enjolras scoffed. 

"You probably have been watching the wrong type of movies", Grantaire insisted, continuing to shake his head. "Look, there's a tiny cinema two blocks from the Musain. They don't usually play the blockbusters and the seats are kind of shitty, but every Thursday night they make a movie session with only cult films, half the price. What do you say?" 

Enjolras bit his lower lip, considering. He already planned to have lunch with Grantaire, now he wanted to take Enjolras to the movies... This was way farther than Enjolras had expected to go. This was way farther than Enjolras had even _wanted_ to go. 

"I don’t know, I'd have to check my schedule", Enjolras said, one of the many lies he told Grantaire that night. "And I don’t know if I even like cult movies", he added, feeling a little less bad. 

"Oh, just live a little", Grantaire rolled his eyes. "I promise you won't regret going. It doesn’t have to be a date or anything, if you don’t want it to. I just really can't believe you don’t like movies". 

"I'll check my schedule and let you know if can make it", Enjolras responded in a tone that told Grantaire that the subject was over. 

"Alright. Favorite book?" Grantaire asked. 

"Oh, no, that's unfair question", Enjolras shook his head, smiling. "It's not like I could choose only _one_ book!" 

Grantaire laughed loudly at this, looking at Enjolras with affection. 

"Alright, top five, then?" 

"I can't do that, either, I need to think about it", Enjolras said. "I don’t want to end up choosing the wrong books". 

"Do you put that much thought on everything you do in your life?" Grantaire asked, smirking. 

 _C_ _learly not_ , Enjolras thought, but deviated his gaze to stare up at the sky instead. 

"Most times, yes", he said. "I like to think things carefully before doing them, otherwise I might end up failing". 

"And you can't have that", Grantaire stated, eyes never leaving Enjolras' face. 

"No, I can't", Enjolras replied, finally looking back at Grantaire. He came to a stop, reaching the front of his apartment building. Grantaire stopped beside him, suddenly flushing and avoiding Enjolras' eyes. 

"I've... Um, I've had a very nice evening", Grantaire said, looking at his feet.  

"Me too", Enjolras smiled with embarrassment. That wasn’t a lie. 

Grantaire looked up at him, pink tinging this cheeks and the tip of his ears. He was mere inches away from Enjolras and yet they weren't touching. They had been staring at each other, tense and embarrassed for a few seconds when Grantaire finally broke the silence. 

"May, uh, m-may I kiss you?" Grantaire asked nervously. 

Enjolras didn’t know what to answer. Did he want to kiss Grantaire? Could he do that to the man, when he was aware of his feelings and didn’t return them? Was he taking advantage of Grantaire? Would it hurt the cynic's feelings if he said no? Grantaire stared at him with expecting eyes, hands fidgeting anxiously beside his body. Enjolras found himself leaning slightly forward in invitation, eyes fluttering close a little bit too forcefully to look natural. Grantaire closed the remaining distance between them and their lips met softly. Grantaire smelled good and the scent invaded Enjolras' senses, as did the softness of his apparently chapped lips and the warmth of their skins touching. 

They parted after a few seconds, both flushed and awkward, Enjolras slowly blinking his eyes open to find Grantaire's grey ones staring back at him with dilated pupils and a dumbstruck look. He looked like he could have just won the jackpot, if Enjolras hadn't known better. 

"Well, I'll see you tomorrow _, Apollo_ ", Grantaire said, smirking as his words finally made their way into Enjolras brain and the man started to glare at him. He turned on his heels before Enjolras could respond and walked down the street, disappearing as he doubled the corner.  

Enjolras numbly reached for his key and opened the building's door, feeling oddly conflicted. In one hand, he had tricked Grantaire into thinking he might be interested in a romantic relationship with him when he actually wasn’t , but on the other he had a pleasant night that was nowhere near as excruciating as he thought it would be. 

As he entered the apartment and went straight to his bedroom, allowing himself to fall heavily on the bed, Enjolras let his fingers touch his lower lip lightly, as if he could still feel the phantom of Grantaire's lips against his. He shouldn’t have let him do that. He shouldn’t have gone on that date. All of this was a _mistake_. 

He thought about calling Combeferre, but he felt too guilty about everything that happened to talk about it to anyone. He had taken advantage of Grantaire's feelings. He was a terrible person. He needed to put an end to this, before he could hurt the man. 

He would go out to grab lunch with him on the following day, and that would be it. He would make up an excuse about not wanting a relationship or being too busy with work, anything that ended this whirlwind of lies he had gotten himself into and that sent things back to normality. Grantaire would probably get hurt at first, but it would be better to hurt him now than to let things develop further and out of his control. 

Enjolras nodded to himself, making up his mind. After the lunch, he would end that mess with Grantaire for good. 

He didn’t sleep the whole night, eyes wide open staring at his ceiling and hands hovering by his own lips every other twenty seconds, remembering the feeling of Grantaire against his body and the sweet, wine-like taste of their first kiss.


	2. Chapter 2

Enjolras' sleepless night resulted in a sluggish brain and a worse-than-usual irritability. Courfeyrac had flooded him with texts asking about the date and Enjolras ignored all of them with an eye roll. Combeferre called near his lunch time and Enjolras didn’t answer, knowing how hard the friend would judge him for not cutting Grantaire off in the first opportunity. He was aware there was something the forgot about by the time he left Lamarque's office to go and grab lunch, but only remembered what it was when he saw Grantaire standing in front of the building, cigarette dangling idly from his lips while he leant casually on the wall behind him. 

Oh, right. The second date. 

Enjolras didn’t know how to approach Grantaire, specially because the cynic hadn't seen him yet. Would they kiss? Hug? Shake each other's hand? Do nothing at all? Enjolras had no idea what the protocol for that situation was, and he mentally kicked himself for not picking Combeferre's call. He would judge him but at least could offer some advice. 

To Enjolras' luck, Grantaire turned his head right before Enjolras got near enough to greet him, smiling and throwing the cigarette butt on the floor absentmindedly. Enjolras found himself smiling back politely as he finally approached Grantaire, standing in front of him and waiting for the man to do something. They stared at each other with awkwardness, Grantaire also unsure of how to behave. 

"Hey", Grantaire said. He turned his body slightly, as if inviting Enjolras to walk beside him. Enjolras sighed, relieved that Grantaire didn’t feel the need to physically greet him, and stood beside him as they strolled down the street. 

"Hey", Enjolras said back. "Weren't we supposed to meet at the Musain?" 

"Well, yeah, but I wasn’t doing anything so I thought I could spare you the walk there", Grantaire shrugged. "So, where do you want to grab lunch?" He asked with a raised eyebrow. 

"I don't know, what do you have in mind?" Enjolras responded with honesty. 

"Well, to be very honest I haven't had a proper lunch in almost a year", he shrugged again, and Enjolras gazed at him with a weird look. "What?" 

"Why not?" Enjolras frowned. Grantaire breathed in heavily and fluttered his eyelids, as he always did right before he started being dramatic. 

"I'm an artist, Enjolras", he said. "I don’t have time or need for earthly meals unless on special occasions. Properly having lunch is a waste of my precious, artsy time". 

"So you don’t want to have lunch?" Enjolras asked, confused. Grantaire rolled his eyes. 

"This is one of the special occasions", he said with a smirk. "But, since I'm not particularly used to having lunch, I trust your judgement as to which place we should choose". 

"Everyone says you know every good place there is to know in the city", Enjolras protested with a frown. Grantaire blushed a bit at this, tearing his gaze away from Enjolras. 

"Well, I can't say that's not true", he shrugged. "Forgive a man for trying to be polite and let his date choose their destination". 

Enjolras stiffened at the word date, and thanked a deity he didn’t believe in that Grantaire wasn’t touching him to realize that. The reasonable part of his mind told him there was no reason for that – that _was_ a date after all, wasn’t it? - but the emotional part kept telling him that he needed to end everything or he would hurt Grantaire. 

Grantaire took him to the edge of town, a place Enjolras wasn’t used to and didn’t frequent too much, which meant he was completely lost. Grantaire, on the other hand, looked quite comfortable, and walked through the streets as if he knew every single aspect of them by heart. 

"You don’t come around here much, do you?" Grantaire asked, noticing Enjolras' estrangement. 

"No, I don’t" Enjolras responded, looking around attentively as if trying to memorize the streets. "Do you?" 

"Well, yes", Grantaire smiled. "I know every good place there is to know, as you said yourself. I also know every bad place, but that’s not something nice to brag about, trust me". 

Enjolras looked at Grantaire, admiring the way the cynic's eyes shone whenever he spotted a familiar place. It was unusual for Enjolras to see that sparkle inside Grantaire's eyes, but gratifying to. He looked healthier that way. Happier. 

Enjolras found he had been staring at Grantaire's for too long and darted his eyes away. 

They arrived at a small tavern – Enjolras unconsciously scrunched his nose – and Grantaire led the way, greeting all the waitresses by name and approaching a middle aged chubby woman sitting behind the bar. 

"Josie!" He smiled widely, outstretching his arms towards the woman and pulling her into a tight hug, despite the wooden counter between them. "Long time no see, huh!" 

"You little shit!", the woman slapped Grantaire's hands away as soon as they broke the hug, smiling. "You cheated on me! Why did you disappear for so long?" 

"Sorry", Grantaire said, sounding genuinely sorry. "I've been busy with so many art projects, you wouldn’t believe". 

"Are you making some money at least?" The woman laughed loudly. 

"Well, I guess you could say so", Grantaire laughed back. He suddenly became aware of Enjolras presence, turning back to urge him forward from where the leader was standing awkwardly a few steps behind him. "Oh, Josie, what's the meal of the day? I brought a friend to meet the tavern, so I do hope it's something impressive. I'd hate to disappoint", he blinked at Enjolras, another smirk sending crinkles to his eyes. 

Josie was staring at Enjolras fixedly, eyes wide in shock. 

"Is this your Apollo?", she asked, voice high pitched. Enjolras felt heat climb to his face until the tip of his ears. He could see that Grantaire was also blushing, widening his eyes at Josie in reprimanding. 

Grantaire not only talked about Enjolras to this woman, but talked enough that she recognized him. And called him by his hated nickname. 

"The meal??" Grantaire asked desperately, clearly nervous. Josie eyed him apologetically and handed him a piece of paper. 

"Same as always", she said. "Today's Josie's secret ingredient soup". 

"Oh, we hit jackpot, Enjolras!" Grantaire turned to the leader, momentarily forgetting about his previous embarrassment and smiling widely. Enjolras noticed the way his curls bounced as his head turned, a few strands falling over his eyes. "Today, you'll taste the best meal you have ever tasted!" 

Josie rolled her eyes with affection at Grantaire, turning on her heels and disappearing into the kitchen. Grantaire and Enjolras were left alone at the empty bar, awkward silence falling between them. 

"Sorry about Josie", Grantaire finally said, not turning to look at Enjolras from where he was sitting on the barstool. "Age is catching up with her, she's starting to get confused, imagine things". 

"I see", Enjolras responded politely. He noticed the way Grantaire's face was still flushed. 

"But I do hope you like the soup", Grantaire continued, picking at his nails. "I've never tasted anything better in my life, I swear to you". 

Enjolras hummed, nodding his head and staring straight ahead. He felt uncertain. He needed to end things with Grantaire. He didn’t know how to, but he needed. 

But he had clearly told this woman about Enjolras, and they were clearly friends. Enjolras couldn’t break up with Grantaire in front of one of his long-term friends, on the first time he met her. It would be unfathomably rude. 

He would let Grantaire walk him back to work, then he would break up with him. Privately, without calling attention. It would be for the best. 

"So, did you see if you can make it to the cinema on Thursday?" Grantaire asked, finally turning his head to look at Enjolras. The leader could see him from his peripheral vision, but didn’t need to do so to know that Grantaire looked expectant. 

Enjolras bit his lower lip. 

"Unfortunately, not", Enjolras said, doing his best to look apologetic. "I have to stay late at work to finish a project me and Lamarque started. Sorry". 

Grantaire did look a bit disappointed, but not surprised. 

"Eh, don’t worry. We can always go on other nights", he shrugged. "Or not, actually". 

"Maybe on another night", Enjolras mimicked his shrug. 

"So, you wanna keep doing the get-to-know-each-other game?" Grantaire offered, sounding desperate to keep the conversation going. Enjolras finally looked back at him, feeling guilty at the way Grantaire's eyes were filled with blatant affection. 

"Sure", Enjolras smiled, feeling like the scum of the earth. 

"Favorite teletubbie?", Grantaire asked, and Enjolras couldn’t suppress a laugh. He had to admit to himself that Grantaire was quite funny, when he wanted to. 

"Well, that's Dipsy for sure", Enjolras said. 

"I fucking knew it!" Grantaire exclaimed, throwing a fist in the air. "You're so predictable!" 

"What?! How am I predictable?", Enjolras frowned, offended. "And better, how on Earth did you guess my favorite teletubbie?" 

"Dipsy is the stubborn one who rarely agrees with the rest of the group", Grantaire rolled his eyes. "He actually enjoys being the odd one out; does that remind you of someone?". 

"When did you spend so much time over-analyzing and making personality profiles of teletubbie characters?" Enjolras asked, sincerely curious. 

"A man is allowed to have his hobbies", Grantaire said with humor. "Right. What about your favorite season?" 

Enjolras spared a thought for this, humming lowly as he tried to decide. 

"Spring, I believe", he finally said. "Colors are brighter on spring. And it's not too hot but not too cold, either". 

"I didn’t think you liked neutralities", Grantaire chuckled. 

"Why is it you always feel the need to tease?" Enjolras asked. 

Grantaire shrugged, raising an eyebrow and smirking – why was he always smirking? - at Enjolras. 

"I don’t know. Maybe I like your reactions". 

Enjolras looked away at this, embarrassed. 

"Fine. Favorite musical?" 

"I hate musicals", Enjolras admitted, anticipating Grantaire's harsh intake of breath. The man leaned heavily on the counter, eyes widening from shock. 

"What!" Grantaire exclaimed, over dramatic. "How?! Why did I ever think dating you was a good idea?" 

Enjolras stiffened at this, hoping Grantaire hadn't noticed. He probably didn’t, because he continued his rant: 

"Are you telling me you never watched Moulin Rouge?" 

"No, I haven't", Enjolras admitted. "Actually, I've never heard of it". 

"What??" Grantaire yelled at the same time Josie returned from the kitchen, one plate of soup on each hand. She placed the fuming plates of soup in front of the boys, and Grantaire grabbed her by the forearm, faking desperation. "Josie! This heretic man has never heard of Moulin Rouge!" 

"Well, nobody's perfect, sweetheart", the woman shrugged absentmindedly, pulling a cloth to clean a dirty mug as Grantaire resumed his tantrum. Enjolras stared at the soup hesitantly. It didn’t look very good. 

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Josie asked, looking at Enjolras with wariness. "The soup ain't gonna eat itself". 

Enjolras looked at Grantaire, who had already taken a mouthful of the soup and was staring at Enjolras with expectation. There was that spark in his eyes again. 

Well, Enjolras was being a total ass to him, by giving the man false hope instead of ending the relationship at once. The least he could do was eat the goddamn soup. 

- 

"How come you never showed me that place before?" Enjolras exclaimed as they left the tavern, Josie yelling threats of castration at Grantaire if he didn’t return soon. "That was the best soup I've ever had in my-" 

"In your life, right?", Grantaire asked with excitement. "I told you! The place may not look like a five star restaurant, but that woman puts her heart in her meals. Not literally, because that would be gross and she would be dead, but you get what I mean". 

"Oh my god, we need to go back there soon", Enjolras said, immediately regretting his words and making his heart skip a beat. There he was, about to end things with Grantaire, and still giving him hope. Was he really that cruel, without knowing? 

"Wow, does that mean I'm approved for a third date?" Grantaire smirked, teasingly. Enjolras didn’t bother looking at him and kept walking, eyes straight ahead. "C'mon, don’t be so evasive. It's ok if you say no". 

 _I_ _s it, really?_ Enjolras thought to himself. 

He couldn’t exactly tell Grantaire no. He needed to end this thing with him, he only didn’t know how. He didn’t have the courage to blatantly tell him that he didn’t want to go further into a relationship. Grantaire would demand a reason, and Enjolras couldn’t give him one without hurting the man's feelings.  

He was such a coward, wasn’t he? 

Enjolras made up his mind. He would accept a third date – the last last date, he promised himself – and, as soon as he got home from work, he would call Combeferre, asking for advice. Combeferre was better at matters of the heart than Enjolras, he would surely know how to get Enjolras out of this situation without hurting Grantaire or leaving sore feelings behind. 

"I can't make it on Thursday, but I'm free on Friday?" Enjolras said, still not turning his head to look at Grantaire. "We can go to that cinema thing you wanted, if it's open". 

He could sense Grantaire smirking, but turned his head to look at the traffic before crossing the street, avoiding the man's eyes. 

"Yeah, it will be open", Grantaire said. "But it's ok if you want to do something else". 

"Don't you want to go to the cinema?" Enjolras frowned. 

"Only if you want to", Grantaire shrugged. "You said you don’t like movies. It's ok if you want to go somewhere else. I don’t want it to be boring". 

Enjolras bit his lower lip once more, a knot forming in his throat. He had never felt that guilty in his entire life. He had never done anything to make him that guilty.  

Grantaire was being so nice to him. During meetings he was always a jerk, always driving Enjolras to his edge through his snarky interruptions and sarcastic corrections. But now, going out with him in another setting that didn’t involve social justice, Enjolras got to know a side of the man he wasn’t familiar with before. This was a Grantaire he had never met, a kind, gentle, funny, affectionate Grantaire that Enjolras didn’t know that existed. He didn’t stop teasing Enjolras but did so gently, almost with intimacy, in a way Enjolras allowed him to but wouldn’t allow anyone else. It was an interaction he only had with Grantaire and no one else, one that only made sense with Grantaire. To see Grantaire so eager and ready to put his own wishes aside only so that Enjolras could choose what fit and pleased him the most made a twinge of guilt stab the back of Enjolras' stomach. How could he keep misleading Grantaire, playing with his feelings, when he was so well aware of them and didn’t return them? The farther Enjolras let this go, the harder it would be to undo it later. He mentally promised himself once more that the cinema date would be the last, and that would be the end of it. It had to be the last. Grantaire would probably think it was because of the cinema, or the movie, and a selfish, coward part of Enjolras felt glad foor that, since that way he wouldn’t be taking all of the blame. 

"No, the cinema's fine", Enjolras smiled, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. "Let's hope it's a good movie on Friday". 

Enjolras wasn’t expecting Grantaire to kiss him again when they arrived at his work building, but he found himself not leaning away from the quick peck Grantaire gave him on the lips. 

"See you on Friday, then", Grantaire smiled. Enjolras smiled back. 

As soon as he arrived home, he dialed Combeferre's number. He knew his best friend wouldn’t pressure him to talk about the date(s) unless he wanted to, but he psychologically prepared himself to talk about it anyway. 

"Finally!", was how Combeferre greeted him as he picked the call up on the second dial. "I can't believe you're just calling me now, Enjolras, I have been trying to contact you since yesterday!" 

"Sorry", Enjolras muttered, removing his shoes and letting himself fall heavily against the bed. "I've been busy". 

"Ah, don't worry about it", Combeferre dismissed lightheartedly. "So, do you want to tell me how the date went?" 

Enjolras loved Combeferre for being like that. Straightforward, not beating around the bush and yet still respecting his boundaries. Asking him whether he felt comfortable with talking. 

"Yeah, about that", Enjolras sighed. 

"Oh, oh. Did it go bad?" 

"No. Actually, I was quite surprised at how _good_ it went". 

"Did you two scream at each other?" 

"Not even once". 

"And you didn’t argue?" 

"Not for real". 

"So it went great?" 

"It went great. We even grabbed lunch together this afternoon". 

"Then why do you sound like a zombie apocalypse occurred and a dictatorial government took over to enslave and explore people?" 

Enjolras let out another sigh, covering his eyes with the crook of one arm. 

"I need your help to break up with him", he muttered. 

"What? Why? Didn’t things go great?" 

" _Yes_ , they did. That's the problem". 

"I'm not following, Enjolras. Care to elaborate?" 

"This isn't real, Combeferre. It never was. I lost a bet and if I hadn't, I would have never asked him out. It's not fair for me to play with the feelings he obviously has for me without giving nothing in return, and through a relationship that was founded by a lie". 

"Do you not have feelings for Grantaire?" 

"No". 

"But is it impossible for you to ever have?" 

Enjolras hesitated. 

"I'm not sure". 

"Yes, you don't sound very sure". 

"But I am. Look, I don't have feelings for him". 

Combeferre went silent for a while, pensive. 

"Do you like Grantaire?" 

"I already told you that I-" 

"Don't have feelings for him, ok, I get it. This isn't what I asked. I asked if you like him. As a person, as a friend". 

Enjolras spared some thought to it. 

"I suppose", he finally admitted. "I used to think I hated him, but... I guess I don’t? He's a pain in the ass during meetings, but outside them, he's actually quite nice". 

"Do you like his presence?" 

"Look, Combeferre –" 

"It's a simple yes or no question". 

"I like his presence, but that doesn’t mean –" 

"Do you feel comfortable around him outside meetings?" 

Enjolras sighed, resigned. 

"Yes. But we only went out twice. How do I know if I'll keep feeling comfortable?" 

"Well? I guess you can't know unless you try it". 

"But...", Enjolras started, never finishing. He wasn’t sure of what to say. 

"Look, Enjolras, we have known each other for a decade. I know how stubborn you are, but I also know you are very reasonable. You have nothing to lose by dating Grantaire-" 

"I-" 

"-You don't; let me finish. You have nothing to lose, Enjolras. You enjoy his company, you like him as a person, you feel comfortable around him. He likes you, so that's another reason why you should invest on this. I'm not telling you to get into a serious relationship with him, just to try things out. Stop being so afraid of something that doesn’t exist, and try to see for yourself what could happen. You could actually be happy in this relationship, you know". 

"But I don’t reciprocate his feelings", Enjolras protested weakly. 

"So what? No one completely does at the beginning of a relationship. People get to know each other, learn about each other's virtues and flaws, and if they fall in love it's great, but if they don't it's also ok. Stop trying to control every single aspect of your life, Enjolras. There are some things you can't control. Maybe you'll fall in love, maybe you won't. Either way is ok. But you won't know unless you try". 

Enjolras acknowledged Combeferre's words, rubbing his eyes. The pair stayed silent for a long time. 

"So?" Combeferre finally broke the silence. 

"Fine", Enjolras resigned. "I'll give it a try. But I... I don’t know how to end things, if I don’t like the way the relationship is heading. I don’t know how to do it without hurting him". 

"I promise you that, if breaking up with him is what you want for sure, then I'll help you through it. Just don’t throw everything you built so far on the trash over a rushed decision". 

"Alright", Enjolras complied. Through his whole life, Combeferre never gave him bad advice. Enjolras trusted him to be right about this too. "I have to go now, I didn’t sleep well last night. I'll call you again tomorrow". 

"Alright, my friend. Have a good night. Call me if you need anything". 

When Enjolras hung up, he found a new text on his phone. 

It was from Grantaire. 

 **From:** **Grantaire** **(23:07) Favorite animal?**  

 

 **T** **o:** **Grantaire** **(23:14) Wolves**  

 

 **F** **rom:** **Grantaire** **(23:14) w** **ait, don't answer. Is it wolves?**  

 **From:** **Grantaire** **(23:14) g** **oddammit** **,** **Enjolras** **. Are you even trying? ;)**  

 

 **To:** **Grantaire** **(23:15) Shut up, I'm not this predictable. Hit me up with another one.**  

 

 **F** **rom:** **Grantaire** **(23:15) o** **k, ok. Let me think**  

 **F** **rom:** **Grantaire** **(23:16) o** **k. Favorite food?**  

 

 **T** **o:** **Grantaire** **(23:16) I don’t have one, but I think I'd say ramen?**  

 

 **F** **rom:** **Grantaire** **(23:17) will u kick my ass if I tell u I thought about ramen**  

 

 **T** **o:** **Grantaire** **(23:17) Probably.**  

 

 **F** **rom:** **Grantaire** **(23:18) Fine. Favorite smell?**  

 **F** **rom:** **Grantaire** **(23:18) This one I actually don’t know**  

 

 **T** **o:** **Grantaire** **(23:19) This one's tough. Probably the smell of a new book. Or the dirt after it rains. Or a burnt match after the flame dies out.**  

 

 **F** **rom:** **Grantaire** **(23:20) How poetic Apollo ;)**  

 

 **T** **o:** **Grantaire** **(23:20) Why do you insist on calling me that? I've already told you I don’t like it.**  

 

 **F** **rom:** **Grantaire** **(23:21) Why not** **tho**  

 

 **T** **o:** **Grantaire** **(23:21) I'm not a god. And I'm not perfect. Plus, other than being beautiful, Apollo sucks**  

 

 **F** **rom:** **Grantaire** **(23:22)** **don** **t** **talk to me or my son ever again**  

 

 **T** **o:** **Grantaire** **(23:22) ?**  

 

 **F** **rom:** **Grantaire** **(23:23)** **nvm**  

 **F** **rom:** **Grantaire** **(23:23) what do u want me to call u then? ;)**  

 

 **T** **o:** **Grantaire** **(23:24) U** **h, my name?**  

 

 **From:** **Grantaire** **(23:24) ok then, uh my name ;)**  

 

 **T** **o:** **Grantaire** **(23:25) Are you an actual dad**  

 

 **F** **rom:** **Grantaire** **(23:25) maybe** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

 **F** **rom:** **Grantaire** **(23:26) just kidding** **tho** **lmao ill call u** **Enj** **if Apollo bothers u so much**  

 **F** **rom:** **Grantaire** **(23:26) is that ok?**  

 

 **T** **o:** **Grantaire** **(23:27) I suppose. I'm assuming this is the best I can get.**  

 

 **F** **rom:** **Grantaire** **(23:27) better stop while** **ure** **winning** **amirite**  

 

 **T** **o:** **Grantaire** **(23:28) Why do you text like this? >:-(** 

 

 **F** **rom:** **Grantaire** **(23:29) DID U JUST SEND ME THE CUTEST ANGRY FACE EVER??????**  

 **F** **rom:** **Grantaire** **(23:29) like what** **enj** **?**  

 

 **T** **o:** **Grantaire** **(23:30) like dis**  

 

 **F** **rom:** **Grantaire** **(23:30)** **eww** **whats** **that**  

 **F** **rom:** **Grantaire** **(23:30) I would never change the** **th** **for a d what the hell** **enj** **what do you take me for**  

 

 **T** **o:** **Grantaire** **(23:31) Uh... Sorry, I guess?**  

 

 **F** **rom:** **Grantaire** **(23:31)** **im** **just joking with u. I text like this** **bc** **im** **lazy and its quicker**  

 **F** **rom:** **Grantaire** **(23:31) If it bothers you I can stop, though ;)**  

 

 **To:** **Grantaire** **(23:32) No, it's ok, whatever suits you. Look, I'd love to chat but I'm off to bed right now, I'm really sleepy and I have to wake up early tomorrow. I had a good** **time today, though. Have a nice night ^_^**  

 

 **F** **rom:** **Grantaire** **(23:33) Alright** **Enj** **, good night ;) ♥**  

 

Enjolras put his phone down with a heavy sigh and got up to change his clothes. He was still wearing his office suit. 

As soon as he got into his pajamas he fell back on the bed, feeling exhausted. Some of his previous guilt was gone, even if a bit still remained within him. But he would follow Combeferre's advice and give the relationship a chance. He had absolutely nothing to lose. 

He still didn’t reciprocate Grantaire's feelings for him, but at least he didn’t hate him anymore, right? Who knew. Maybe he could even grow to love him in the future. 

The last coherent thought Enjolras had before succumbing to sleep was the bright sparkle on Grantaire's eyes when he spotted Enjolras walking towards him on the crowded street outside Lamarque's office, as if Enjolras was the most precious thing he had ever seen in his life. 

- 

"So? What did you think?" 

Enjolras bit his lower lip, pensive. 

"I don’t know", he said. "The whole plot was too... impossible". 

"Of course it's impossible", Grantaire rolled his eyes. "That's why it's called a movie. Plus, the movie is much more than just erasing traumatic memories as a way to cope - I'm assuming that's the 'impossible plot' you're complaining about -, it's about the way our memories are intertwined with our humanity, whether they are good or bad, and how our experiences in life shape us as people". 

"Are you a movie critic, too?" Enjolras smiled. 

"I'm a lover of all arts", Grantaire huffed out his breath. "And I can't believe you didn’t like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". 

"I didn’t say I didn’t like it", Enjolras protested. "I'm just unsure as to my opinion on it. I must admit the acting is great, but it is the plot that confuses me". 

"Because of the non-linear narration?" Grantaire frowned. 

"No", Enjolras shook his head. "I just don't understand why anyone would want to erase good memories of their loved ones. Even if they hurt them, why would they want to get rid of the good things of their past? Isn't this the sole purpose of good memories – helping you cope when the present becomes unbearable?" 

Grantaire looked serious at this, staring straight ahead as he walked Enjolras back to his apartment. 

"Well", he finally shrugged. "I suppose that, sometimes, if the hurt is too unbearable, it would be better to forget about the person who caused you pain altogether than to remember when you were happy knowing that won't happen again". 

Enjolras nodded his head and hummed loudly, taking Grantaire's point in consideration. 

"But isn't the love they felt for each other strong enough to overcome the hurt?" Enjolras frowned, confused. He wasn’t even sure he was making right points at this discussion, the movie had confused him more than anything else. "Joel loved Clementine so much he wasn’t able to completely forget her, no matter how effective the treatment was. If his love was strong enough to do that, why wasn’t it enough to keep him from going to the clinic in the first place?" 

Grantaire chuckled a bit at this, giving Enjolras one of his many affectionate looks before responding. 

"You're going all idealist on me again", Grantaire explained when Enjolras glared at him in confusion. "Your entire argument is based on the assumption that love is a good, miraculous thing that heals all bad in the world and consists only of good, happy things", he turned his head away from Enjolras once more, looking suddenly tired. "It isn't". 

"It isn't?" Enjolras frowned. 

"No", Grantaire shrugged, looking resigned. "Sure, love is great. Most times, it's beautiful. But love can also be ugly. People can do terrible things because of it, and they... they can _become_ terrible things because of it. I do believe that, most times, love hurts more than it does good". 

"But...", Enjolras' frown deepened, making him look like he was scowling. "I don't understand", he completed, frustrated. Grantaire smirked. 

"I wouldn’t expect you to", he said, and Enjolras gave him an offended look. 

"Why not?" He asked angrily, and Grantaire laughed loudly at this, head thrown back and dark curls bouncing around his ears. Enjolras found himself staring, amazed, at the small dimples that appeared on either side of Grantaire's cheeks and at the way that smile made him look years younger than he actually was. 

"Well, I don’t mean to offend you, but you're a virgin in the matters of love, Enjolras", Grantaire explained with humor. 

"What makes you think that?" Enjolras protested. "I love many people. As much as you like to insist, I am not made of marble and stone". 

Grantaire went silent at this, smile still lingering in his lips for a while. 

"Yeah, I know", he finally said after what felt like an eternity. "I'm sorry". 

Enjolras nodded, worrying at his lower lip at the tension that was formed between them once more. 

"Have you ever fallen in love, though?" Grantaire asked, glancing at Enjorlas from the corner of his eyes.  

"No", Enjolras admitted, not looking at the cynic. "Have you?" 

He hadn't meant to ask that. 

God, how stupid was Enjolras? He was well aware of Grantaire's feelings, that was the only reason for his worry and apprehension for their forming relationship in the first place, why on earth would he go and ask Grantaire that question? It was an opportunity for the man to declare himself for Enjolras, and he wouldn’t be able to say he loved him back, he _didn’t_ love him back, he was really a stupid man and he had just ruined everything. 

"Yes", Grantaire responded absentmindedly, staring straight ahead. 

Another silence. This time, Enjolras felt the urgent need to break it, but his mind went unusually blank and he couldn’t think of any conversation topics. 

This had never happened to him before. As socially awkward as Enjolras was, he never found himself at a loss for words, never. This was the first time, and it was really smothering him. 

He needed to break the silence. He needed to do anything to break the silence. He couldn’t bear that tension any longer. 

"Favorite ice cream?" Enjolras asked nervously, hoping Grantaire couldn’t hear the well-hidden shaking of his tone. 

He smiled, though it looked a little sad, and squinted his eyes as he thought of an answer. 

"Strawberry", he said finally. "Yours?" 

"Van-" 

"I bet is vanilla", Grantaire said at the same time Enjolras started responding. They stared at each other for a couple of astonished seconds before bursting into laughter, startling a man who was walking on the other side of the street. 

"How do you do that?" Enjolras asked, slightly annoyed but genuinely curious. He bumped Grantaire playfully on the shoulder. 

"I told you, you're predictable!" Grantaire laughed, bumping Enjolras back. "It's not my fault". 

"Alright, then", Enjolras said, eyes shining with challenge. "I doubt you'll get this one right". 

"What will I win if I do?" Grantaire teased, smirking. 

"Gratification", Enjolras smirked back. "Ok, so what was the first book I've ever read?" 

"That isn't a fair question", Grantaire whined, fake-pouting. "This isn't even a what's-your-favorite question. I'm not a mind reader, I'm just an Enjolras reader". 

"Are you backing out?", Enjolras smiled teasingly. Grantaire's eyes shone the same way as Enjolras', with challenge. 

"No", Grantaire responded, cracking his knuckles as if to prove a point. "Alright. Since I have no idea I'm gonna go with...", he squinted his eyes again. "Harry Potter?" 

"No", Enjolras laughed, gratified. "I'll give you one more chance, though". 

Grantaire stared at Enjolras as if studying him, and snapped his fingers after a few too-long seconds. 

"The Social Contract!", he exclaimed with certainty. Enjolras bumped his shoulder again, harder this time. 

"That's not fair", he complained. "That didn’t count. It was a second chance". 

"No, no, no", Grantaire shook his head, smiling. "I didn’t ask for the second chance, you gave it to me willingly. You can't back out of it now. Admit it, I'm great at knowing you". 

Enjolras took in the phrase and realized that was true. Grantaire actually knew him very well, better than Enjolras ever thought he could. They barely spoke to each other on the pre-date times, so how could Grantaire know so much about Enjolras without ever having a proper conversation with him? 

Of course he knew the answer, and he managed to stop himself from asking the stupid question forming in his mouth right in time. 

They continued that lighthearted conversation until reaching the front of Enjolras' apartment building. 

"You didn’t need to walk me back", Enjolras told Grantaire, leaning back on the brick wall. "If anything, I was the one who should have dropped you home. We were closer to yours". 

Grantaire shrugged, rolling his eyes with a smirk. 

"Don't worry, Ap– Enj", he corrected himself right in time. "Your place is not far from mine. Plus, this way, we had more time to talk to each other". 

Enjolras felt the heat rise to his face and lowered his head slightly, meekly hoping that Grantaire couldn’t see the flushing on his cheeks. If he did, he didn’t mention it. 

"But, other than the 'impossible plot' of the movie, how did you like it?" The cynic asked, placing a hand on the wall beside Enjolras' head and slightly leaning closer to him, not close enough to pin Enjolras but not far enough for the closure not to be intimate. 

Enjolras spared a few seconds of thought, not looking up at Grantaire until responding. 

"It was nice", he said with sincerity, not able to suppress a smile when Grantaire's eyes sparkled with clear satisfaction. "I liked the cinema, it was cozy. It isn't like the other cinemas I went before". 

"It is something else, isn't it?" Grantaire smiled. "There's something about it that makes me feel good in there. I think it's the way it still looks like an old cinema, how it has the blatant and yet good miasma of nostalgia mixed with the just the right amount of melancholy to make you feel like you're part of something bigger". 

Enjolras found himself gaping at Grantaire. He had never heard the man speak that passionately before, with that much emotion. During meetings, Grantaire always made a point to make his cynicism blatant and so Enjolras always took him for a man who lacked passion inside his soul. To see Grantaire speak like that about something, even if it was about a tiny cinema he enjoyed frequenting, made Enjolras see him with other eyes. If he felt that intensely about a place, maybe he could, one day, come to believe in their cause,  too. 

"But I think that what I like the most about that tiny old cinema is the way it's still what it is", Grantaire continued, bringing Enjolras out of his stupor. 

"How so?" Enjolras asked, genuinely interested. 

"It didn’t change just because all the other cinemas got bigger and more modern. It doesn’t play blockbuster movies just because they gain more money and attract more people. It's still what it's supposed to be – an old, dusty cinema with barely no public but that still keeps going, refusing to change to adapt. It's quite stubborn, I'd say". 

Enjolras stared deep inside Grantaire's eyes and wondered if this conversation was still about the cinema. 

"I noticed you tend to like the stubborn ones", Enjolras found himself saying, and then Grantaire pulled him into a kiss. 

It lasted longer than any of their other kisses, and any of the kisses Enjolras had ever had, actually. Grantaire had pulled Enjolras close, a gentle hand on the leader's hip and the other caressing the curls on the back of Enjolras' neck. Enjolras clung to the cynic, his body going into action more rapidly than his brain, one palm splayed against the small of Grantaire's back and the other on the back of his neck. 

Enjolras felt heat go up his face and below his belly as Grantaire's tongue slid out past his lips and licked Enjolras' lower one teasingly. Enjolras indulged on this, allowing his own tongue to mimic Grantaire's and lick softly at his lips, soft warm skin brushing against each other as their breathing pattern synchronized and their mad heartbeats matched. Enjolras' mouth opened slightly to allow Grantaire's tongue to slither in, and then they were passionately making out in front of Enjolras' building, hands stroking and rubbing at skin and curls, limbs apparently coming to life and finding the exact right spots to touch and tease. 

It was like all the tension that had been building up between them had reached it's peak and, unable to sustain itself any longer, exploded into sparkles of static and warmth that was seepping from one body to another as they french kissed. If Enjolras had any remaining doubts about indulging into this relationship with Grantaire, it disappeared completely as the cynic tugged teasingly at the curls on the back of his neck, making goosebumps that felt electric emerge on the skin all over his body. He returned the favor and tugged at Grantaire's hair, and the low, throaty moan the man gave in return sent a series of sensations across his body that made his pants suddenly seem tighter than before. He bit Enjolras' lower lip and Enjolras' breath hitched on his throat, making him suddenly aware of how breathless he was. 

Grantaire must have been breathless as well, for he parted the kiss and, before Enjolras could protest or even form a coherent thought, Grantaire was shoving his face on the crook of Enjolras' neck, nibbling at the sensitive skin and sending shivers down his spine. Enjolras' eyes rolled beneath his eyelids in pleasure when Grantaire allowed his tongue to run over the length of the side of his neck, rosy lips parting and making him unable to repress a whimper as his erection twisted inside the painfully tight trousers he was wearing. He sensed Grantaire smiling against his neck, repeating the action but this time, taking a bit of smooth skin between his teeth and sucking greedily. He was driving Enjolras mad with this, and if he kept doing so, Enjolras would give in to his carnal urges and end up inviting the man up to his apartment. 

As much as Enjolras would like that, a reasonable part of his mind told him it was too soon to get sexually involved with Grantaire. An exact week ago, Enjolras completely despised him – _you didn’t know him back then, you do now_ , the stubborn part of his mind protested – and now he was making out with him in the middle of an empty street. Plus, Enjolras couldn’t know if he was prepared to get involved with Grantaire in that way – _of course you are, just invite him in, you stupid man_ – so that was why he gently pushed Grantaire back until he was standing up straight and staring at him with huge pupils, a dumb smile on his bruised lips. 

They were both breathing in synch, chests rising and falling rapidly as they smiled at each other knowingly. Grantare was too uncertain to invite himself in, and Enjolras knew that. 

"I had a great night", Enjolras said, voice a bit hoarser than usual. "We should do it again". 

"I had, too", Grantaire responded, voice even hoarser than Enjolras', which sent another twitch to the inside of his boxers. "And we should _totally_ do it again". 

"I have work early tomorrow", Enjolras said, the first excuse that appeared in his mind. Grantaire understood, looking somewhat embarrassed but nodding all the same. "I'll see you at the meeting, though?" 

Grantaire smirked wickedly, nodding. 

"Yeah. But don’t expect me to go easy on you just because we're dating, Enj", he teased. Enjolras rolled his eyes, trying – and failing - to hide a smile. 

"I should tell you the same", he said, shoving his hand inside his pocket to pick the key. Grantaire took this as his cue and gave Enjolras a soft brush on the lips before starting to walk away, backwards so that he could still look at Enjolras. 

"Good night, Enjolras", Grantaire shouted as the leader opened the door of the apartment building. "See you tomorrow". 

The words echoed inside Enjolras' brain for what felt like hours until he fell asleep, dreams of hands and dark curls and tongue flooding his mind. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Expect a bit of smut on the next chapter, I guess?


	3. Chapter 3

Enjolras didn’t know what to expect from the next ABC meeting. 

He was dating Grantaire, and everyone already knew that (Courfeyrac knew, which meant everyone knew). But how was he supposed to act around the man? Grantaire had said he wouldn’t take it easy on him, but Enjolras didn’t know how he'd react if he responded to the bickering like he normally would – with harshness and contempt. 

It took all of Enjolras' power of will to concentrate enough to finish the speech he was supposed to deliver. Only then he allowed himself to worry about the Grantaire situation, thoughts about the man flooding his head naturally. He was so immersed on them he didn’t even notice the not-at-all subtle hickey that Grantaire had left on his neck the night before, and was confused to hear wolf-whistles thrown at him as soon as he entered the Musain. 

"Enjolras, Enjolras", Courfeyrac teased, approaching him with a shit-eating grin. "I never thought I would see you bearing a hickey in my life". 

Enjolras unconsciously raised a hand to his neck, fingers finding the exact spot Grantaire had sucked on the previous night. To speak of the devil, Grantaire had just appeared through the door, greeting Joly and Bossuet loudly and finding his usual spot on the corner. Enjolras found himself staring at the cynic, Courfeyrac's teasing remarks going unheard by the leader as he locked eyes with Grantaire. He smiled, and Enjolras found himself smiling back. 

It took Courfeyrac a few more seconds of ranting to notice that Enjolras' attention had shifted and that he was being completely ignored. He rolled his eyes, going to sit beside Combeferre on the nearest table and secretly rejoicing at the dumb smile on Enjolras' lips. 

Courfeyrac's idea of making that bet had been random but it clearly worked. Grantaire seemed happier – and healthier – than ever, and Enjolras looked like he was already falling for the drunk cynic on the corner. 

Combeferre cleaned his throat as if to call Enjolras' attention, and the leader blinked rapidly as if he was awakening from a trance. His cheeks turned red and he lowered his head, trying to hide it, turning his back at the rest of the Musain and fussing with his papers until he could regain his composure. 

The meeting went on as usual. Enjolras started speaking about a cause-related topic, halfway through his speech Grantaire scoffed and threw a sarcastic comment just for the sake of it, Enjolras took it personally and retorted with passive-aggressiveness, they yelled at each other. 

But this time, Enjolras didn’t attack Grantaire personally, and Grantaire didn’t insist on the discussion after Enjolras declared it was over. Instead, Enjolras resumed delivering the speech, while Grantaire watched him carefully, affection clear in his eyes. His hands fidgeted unconsciously on the top of the table, as if they were trying to reach something that wasn't there. Enjolras noticed that Grantaire's usual beer bottle was nowhere to be seen. 

A wave of wolf-whistles rained upon them as their friends left, Joly poking Grantaire teasingly with his cane and loudly warning him about the dangers of unprotected sex. Grantaire blushed, glaring daggers at the doctor who laughed loudly and turned to leave, arm intertwined with Bossuet's. Everyone seemed to be more cheerful, but Enjolras wasn’t sure if it was because _he_ felt more cheerful, or because the constant tension that always hovered above the Musain during meetings had finally been lifted. 

Grantaire only approached Enjolras when they were finally alone in the room, Enjolras pretending to be busy with his papers just so he wouldn’t have to turn and look at Grantaire. The man walked slowly amongst the chairs, approaching footsteps echoing on the empty room until he was directly behind Enjolras, who still had his back turned but had gone still, hands lying on the top of the papers. 

The static tension between them formed once more, neither of them sure of what to do next. Enjolras' breaths were coming out in short puffs, anticipation filling him to the brim, muscles stiff in preparation for Grantaire's touch. Grantaire watched him carefully, the way his slim shoulders were lifted by each intake of breath, the way his golden curls nestled at the nape of his neck, barely noticeable freckles spread across the soft skin. He could even see part of the hickey he had given Enjolras on the previous night, and knowing that he hadn't bother to hide it from view, wearing it blatantly for everyone to see, sent shivers down Grantaire's spine and he couldn't bear the distance separating them any longer. 

He embraced Enjolras from the behind in a gentle way that told the leader he was half asking for permission. His arms curled around Enjolras' lower torso, hands coming to rest on the man's hips. Enjolras' muscles were still stiff at first, but he melted into Grantaire's touch invitingly, the cynic then allowing himself to lean his chin on Enjolras' shoulder and taking a deep breath as if to memorize the man's scent. 

Grantaire made Enjolras feel things he had never felt before. He made him do things that he had never done, think things he had never thought. Enjolras decided that wasn’t bad, after all, even if Grantaire's habit of rendering Enjolras speechless annoyed him to no end. 

The truth was, Enjolras had grown to like this thing he and Grantaire had, even if it hadn't been going on for long enough. It had been a week but it felt like months, and Enjolras finally felt like he could trust Grantaire the same way he trusted the other Amis. They were intimate, and they had grown close in a small amount of time. Enjolras knew he was a difficult person and growing intimate with someone usually took him longer than that, but seeing how things were developing with Grantaire made something warm blossom inside his chest. 

Maybe Enjolras could grow to love him, after all. 

He turned on his heels, Grantaire managing to keep his arms around him as they stood face to face, lips mere inches away from each other. Enjolras was leaning against the edge of the table, Grantaire's hands on his lower back. 

"So", Enjolras finally said, breaking the silence between them. "What did you think?" 

"Of what?" Grantaire frowned, smiling with confusion. 

"Of the meeting", Enjolras rose a single eyebrow. 

"You talk as if I had never attended a meeting before", Grantaire smirked, rolling his eyes. 

"Well, I didn’t know what else I could say", he shrugged. "You have a special talent for rendering me speechless", he continued, though there was no accusation on his tone, just teasing. 

"Well, sorry about that", Grantaire smiled, seductively biting his own lower lip. "But I think we could give your pretty mouth another use, since you're so speechless and all". He leaned down and lightly bit Enjolras' lower lip, pulling it gently before sucking it. Enjolras' eyes fluttered close, but his lips remained parted in desire even after Grantaire pulled back. "You're so beautiful", Grantaire whispered, raising a hand to gently caress Enjolras' cheek with a rough thumb. "Sometimes I don’t think you realize how absolutely stunning you are". 

"And so are you", Enjolras whispered back, but his eyes opened when he heard Grantaire scoff.  

"There's no need to patronize me, Enjolras", Grantaire muttered, not quite meeting the leader's eyes, head subtly bowed down. "I'm actually very self-aware". 

It was Enjolras' time to raise his hand, tilting Grantaire's head up by the chin with kindness until their eyes met. 

"I'm not patronizing you", Enjolras said, voice just above a whisper. "I am serious. You are _beautiful_ ". 

Grantaire's eyelids fluttered close, as if he was trying to memorize the moment. 

Enjolras was the one to start their kiss for once, closing the distance between them and allowing their lips to touch softly, just brushing at first and eventually applying more pressure. They didn’t use tongue this time, the moment feeling somewhat too fragile for that, and parted after what felt like an eternity but had actually been just a few seconds. 

"I will find a way to show you how beautiful you are", Enjolras promised, knowing that Grantaire still didn’t believe him. Grantaire smiled at him, in that way that looked somewhat melancholic, and didn’t say anything else. 

- 

Grantaire asked if Enjolras was up to another movie session on Tuesday, which Enjolras agreed to, but Grantaire had to cancel under the explanation that he wasn’t feeling very well. Enjolras said that it was ok, they could always go out on another day, but internally rejoiced at this. It meant he would have more time to elaborate a plan to show Grantaire how beautiful he was. 

If he was to be honest with himself, Enjolras didn’t quite understand the reason for Grantaire's self-loathing. He was sure the man had his reasons, and that many people didn’t feel comfortable with the way they looked, but there was nothing wrong with Grantaire. His curly hair matched his face perfectly, and even the too-long nose didn’t look disproportional in the shape of his head. It was as if he had attributes that, despite being socially regarded as ugly, matched perfectly when put together on his face. It was a kind of beauty that Enjolras rarely encountered, and that he found himself attracted to. 

Enjolras had never felt attracted to anyone. He always found relationships and dates boring, too distracting and time-taking. He had more important things to worry about, and the cause was the first priority of his life, always. He was afraid not even Grantaire could change that. 

At least not in the same way he changed Enjolras' opinion on dating, and on movies, and on soups, and on many other small things that Enjolras didn’t even know to have an opinion on. 

But no, Enjolras wouldn’t allow Grantaire to deviate him from the cause. They could be on a relationship, yes, but Enjolras would not allow himself to become too distracted. His relationship with the cynic might have started because of lie and guilt, but now that Enjolras admitted to himself that he actually liked Grantaire and spent time with him because of his feelings and not the bet, he felt less obliged to please the man 24/7 like when he did when he was guilty. 

Enjolras liked Grantaire. He liked going out with him, kissing him, texting him. It was nice to have a break from all that work and effort he put on their social justice group sometimes. He knew he could be too much sometimes – his friends told him that all the time; how he should take breaks and stop overworking himself – and even if he wouldn’t allow a relationship to smother his revolutionary fervor, he could find himself at peace for indulging with Grantaire's company. 

But Enjolras felt like he could give him more, like he _deserved_ more. He hated the self-loathing smile that oftenly appeared on Grantaire's lips, and the way he always looked down and unconsciously let the disbelief seep through his gaze whenever someone complimented him. No, Enjolras had made him a promise, that he would make Grantaire see how beautiful he was. And Enjolras never made false promises. 

Asking for his friends' advice was no use, as Enjolras soon found. Jehan told him to write a poem, Combeferre told him to write a speech. Courfeyrac suggested something sexual and Bahorel shrugged, making incoherent confused noises until Enjolras walked away. It took Enjolras more time than he would admit to finally think of asking the person who knew Grantaire the longest and the best amongst the Amis – Joly. 

Joly answered Enjolras' phone call with a cheerful greeting, sounding happier than Enjolras had heard him in a long time. He rarely called Joly to speak of non-cause related subjects, and since it would be another few days until the next ABC meeting, Joly was aware that this was a social call. Enjolras, always the one who didn’t beat around the bush, went straight to the subject. 

"I wanted to ask your help with something", Enjolras said after the polite chit chat that didn’t last more than a minute. "It's about Grantaire". 

Joly cooed teasingly, almost childishly, before settling down with a laugh. 

"What about him?", he asked in a sing-song voice. 

"As you know, we are dating", Enjolras started and Joly hummed softly. "But I have been noticing that he has some self-esteem issues, and I wanted to change that. I want to let him know how beautiful he is. I have been trying to think of ways of doing that, but I have no idea, and since you're his closest friend I assumed you could help me". 

"How do I know that?" 

"Know what?" Enjolras frowned. 

"Well? How do I know you're dating? You didn’t tell anyone", Joly explained. 

"Didn’t Grantaire tell you?" Enjolras frowned, heart rate increasing a bit. Grantaire hadn't told his friends about Enjolras....? 

"Well, of course he did", Joly said, and Enjolras could hear the eye roll in his voice. "But _you_ didn’t. Look, I know Grantaire as well as I known the back of my own hand. Firstly, don’t assume you can _change_ him, and don’t _try_ to. If you truly like him, you need to let him know that you like him _despite_ his insecurities and his self-loathing. Be there for him. Show him your support". 

"I see", Enjolras said, lips forming a thin line. 

"I'm serious, Grantaire has a very complicated brain. I'm pretty sure that, even now, he's not sure if you truly like him or not, if you want to be with him or not. You could do something that proved to him that you actually like him. You like him, don't you, Enjolras?", Joly asked, though his tone gave away that he already knew the answer for his question. 

"I d-do", Enjolras said, immediately cursing himself mentally for stuttering. He _never_ stuttered, unless the subject was Grantaire. 

Joly chuckled at this, finding humor in Enjolras' barely-hidden nervousness. 

"Well, so show him that", he said matter-of-factly. 

"But how?", Enjolras basically whined. "I tell him he is beautiful, and that I find him attractive, but he always gives me that disbelieving look and I don't know how to prove that I mean it". 

Joly hummed lowly for a couple seconds before responding. 

"Like I said, I don't know that you're dating him. I know that _he's_ dating _you_ ", he said pointedly. "And I'm pretty sure some of the other guys don't even know for sure that you two are dating, just suspect". 

"So?", Enjolras frowned. "What do you suggest?" 

Joly sighed as if Enjolras was a child that asked too many questions. 

"Well? Tell people about it", Joly said dismissively. "Show him that you're proud of having him as your boyfriend. Maybe make things with him official?" 

Enjolras smiled, acknowledging that Joly's plan was actually very good. 

"Thank you, Joly", he said with sincerity. "I will do that". 

"You're welcome", Joly said back. "Oh, Enjolras?" 

"Yes?" 

"Make him happy, yeah?" 

Enjolras' smile faltered but he nodded, even though Joly couldn’t see it. 

"I will". 

- 

On the next meeting, Grantaire was already there when Enjolras arrived. He was chatting idly with Courfeyrac and Feuilly, the only Amis who were already at the Musain other than Combeferre. Enjolras walked to their table, instead of heading straight for the front desk as he always did when he arrived. This called the group's attention, and they all turned their heads to stare at Enjolras in confusion as he approached them. Grantaire looked pale and exhausted, dark circles under his eyes, but he smiled as he saw Enjolras anyway.  

Then Enjolras leaned forward and gave him a quick kiss on the lips, followed by a firm "Hey". 

(Enjolras had spent all day training the way he would say that hey, not knowing which tone would suit the situation best. He finally went for an affectionate 'hey', even though he wasn’t used to that kind of behavior and knew that his friends would probably tease him for it). 

Grantaire blushed, Courfeyrac oohed, Feuilly rose an eyebrow in confusion and Combeferre hid a smile. Enjolras waited for Grantaire to say something, staring at the man's red face with expectation. 

"H-hey", he finally replied, voice sounding more certain than he looked. His hands were shaking and fidgeting, but Enjolras didn’t think he was the reason for that. Grantaire still looked sick. 

"Are you feeling better?" Enjolras asked, frowning for a second. "Or are you still sick?" 

"Ah, I'm getting there", Grantaire smiled sadly. "Don't worry, it's nothing contagious". 

Enjolras rolled his eyes, well aware that his friends were watching the interaction closely. He remembered Joly's advice, to publicly let Grantaire know of his feelings, and put a hand on the man's shoulder. 

"I know it's not", Enjolras said. "I'm not asking because of that, I'm asking because I was concerned". 

Courfeyrac squealed at this, punching Feuilly's arm several times as if to call his attention, while Feuilly gaped at the pair, interested. Combeferre smiled at Enjolras, eyebrows arching in a questioning yet humorous way.  

"Oh", was all Grantaire said, face managing to grow even redder. Enjolras cleared his throat, feeling awkward. 

"Well, I'll get things started for the meeting", Enjolras announced, squeezing Grantaire's shoulder reassuringly and smiling gently at him before turning on his heels and heading for his usual desk. He had to muster all his self-control not to run there, the awkwardness and nervousness inside his body accumulating and needing to be expelled from his body. 

Combeferre looked like he wanted to go and talk to Enjolras, but a single look from the leader told him that this wasn’t the right time. He might be in a relationship with Grantaire, but Combeferre still felt like the closest person he could trust, and one of the only people who knew about the bet. Enjolras wrote some notes on his speech and was organizing his papers, waiting for all the Amis to arrive. It didn’t take longer then 10 minutes for all the members of the ABC – the regulars, such as his friends, and the supporters that showed up every once in a while – to arrive, and as soon as everyone was settled, Enjolras stood up, clearing his throat to call the attention for himself. 

The room went immediately silent, all heads turning to look at him. Enjolras loved having this kind of effect on a crowd; making all heads turn to him with a single cleaning of his throat, having men stop and calm down with a single gesture of his hand. Having audiences cheer and vibrate further with his every word, inciting fire and passion within the hearts of men. Everyone was staring intently at him, patiently waiting for him to begin the meeting. 

"Citizens, today, we are to discuss two major topics for our group", Enjolras started, running his eyes across all the members in the room. "The first one is the incoming protest that we have been scheduling for the past month. The second one is the transphobic amendment that was approved by Senate this week and how we could add that to the list of claims on our protest. But firstly, I would like to make an announcement", Enjolras said, gaze shifting so that he could look directly at Grantaire. The cynic sustained his gaze, curiosity showing beneath his purplish eyelids. "I want to let you all know that I have entered a relationship and Grantaire is now my boyfriend". 

Different reactions bubbled across the room, some oohing playfully like Courfeyrac, some clapping and smiling, some gasping in surprise and excitement. Joly had raised both thumbs and was shaking them at Enjolras, smiling reassuringly, and Bahorel wolf-whistled loudly.  

Grantaire was sitting there, staring at Enjolras, looking at him as if the leader was the most astonishing thing he had ever seen in his life. His lips were parted slightly, in what looked like surprise, eyes sparkling with what Enjolras could only define as adoration. Seeing him like this, so dumbfounded and thankful and blatantly happy made all the sounds surrounding Enjolras slowly die out, all people and objects that weren't Grantaire fading into background noise. For as long as their eyes were locked, it was as if only the two of them inhabited that room, just Enjolras and Grantaire, staring at each other with a passion that would be able to live on until the stars fell from the sky. 

Someone had started chanting "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" at Enjolras, who only then returned to his senses, blinking as if awakened from a stupor. Grantaire was blushing again, smiling at the friends who were nudging and teasing him. 

"Alright, alright", Enjolras said, waving his hands up and down to calm the chanting group. They slowly came to a stop, laughing light-heartedly. "We can leave the kissing for later when the meeting is finished. For now, let's focus on the protest". 

Enjolras and the Amis started discussing the protest, then. The place and date were already settled and released through their social media; it would be on a square near the city's most famous university, at 3 p.m. There would be a preparatory meeting at the Musain at 1 p.m., and then the Amis would march to the square. The protest would be on the next week and the posters and banners were already prepared, carefully kept at Enjolras' house. Only a few loose ends were still being tied on the meeting, and Grantaire was strangely quiet. Usually, he would have interrupted by now, either with sarcasm or a well-put criticism. Enjolras knew it wasn’t because they were dating – that had never stopped him before – and, when he looked for the man on the crowded room, found him leaning against Jehan's shoulder, eyes closed and breathing evened out. He was still pale and his brow was shining with what looked like sweat, but seemed to be asleep despite all the sound in the Musain. He did stir when Enjolras stopped talking – he grew distracted with analizing Grantaire and went silent mid-sentence, drawing confused looks – which sent Enjolras back to his senses and made him resume what he had been saying. 

After the meeting ended and the room cleared, Enjolras' closest friends lingered, watching carefully as he approached Grantaire's table and sat on a nearby chair, as silently as he could. 

"He's fast asleep", Jehan told him, whispering not to wake Grantaire. "Your voice soothed him". 

Enjolras felt heat rise to his face at this, staring at Grantaire's relaxed face with tenderness. 

"He hasn’t been sleeping much, you see", Jehan continued, tenderness of his tone matching the one in Enjolras' face. "The withdrawal is taking the best of him". 

"Withdrawal?" Enjolras asked with a frown. Grantaire hadn't mentioned anything about that. 

"Yes", Jehan frowned back, confused as to why Enjolras didn’t know such an important, obvious thing. "He hasn’t had a drink for one week now. That's why he's exhausted, I don’t think he's been sleeping much these days. Or eating, if I'm being honest". 

Enjolras bit his lower lip, a little bit hurt at Grantaire for not telling him about such an important decision. He assumed that was why the cynic had canceled the date. If he had said anything, Enjolras could have helped him through it. 

"He didn’t tell me anything", Enjolras whispered, still frowning. "I didn’t know. I would have helped him". 

"But you've been helping him", Jehan said with a sweet smile. "I had never seen him so happy". 

Enjolras tore his eyes away from Jehan at this, not capable of meeting the poet's eyes. As the days passed, Enjolras grew more and more aware of how much love and devotion Grantaire held for him. It was enough to make him attend meetings he didn’t believe in for years. It was enough to make him stay even after Enjolras was blatantly rude to him. It was enough to make him quit an addiction that had lasted for years. 

Enjolras didn’t know if he would ever be able to return that kind of sentiment. 

Surely, he liked Grantaire. He truly did. But Grantaire seemed to put Enjolras above every thing in his life, and Enjolras couldn’t do that. He couldn’t put Grantaire above his cause. He couldn’t put Grantaire above his beliefs. He just couldn’t. 

Was that relationship even healthy for Grantaire? To live relying on Enjolras like that, giving up things that could actually make him happy to be with the leader? What if there was someone out there that could actually give Grantaire the kind of reciprocation he needed and deserved, and Enjolras was keeping him from meeting that person? What if Enjolras was keeping Grantaire from true happiness by indulging in his own pleasures? The feeling he got when he first dated Grantaire because of the bet returned, a feeling that told him that he was using Grantaire, exploiting his feelings and deceiving the man. His heart sunk. He didn’t want to lose Grantaire, not now that he knew how good it felt to be on a relationship and to romantically like someone. But he couldn’t keep withholding him from love like that, in this selfish manner. Grantaire deserved to be happy. 

He deserved to be happy. He deserved someone who loved him. 

Enjolras would have to break up with him. 

"No need to talk about me behind my back", Grantaire croaked suddenly, eyes still closed. "I'm right here". 

"Sorry, did we wake you up?" Jehan said apollogetically. 

"Nah", Grantaire shrugged, blinking his eyes open and leaning away from Jehan so that he could sit upright. He stretched to soothe his sore muscles, and Enjolras politely looked away when Grantaire's shirt lifted from the motion, revealing part of his six pack. It was probably due his boxing habits. "It was time to wake up anyway". He then looked around in surprise, noticing how empty the room was. "Wait, did I sleep through the meeting?!" 

"Yes", Enjolras replied, doing his best not to look upset.  

"Oh no. I'm sorry", Grantaire said, face suddenly falling into a grimace. 

"What for? You were tired, I understand", Enjolras smiled. Usually, he would be mad at Grantaire for sleeping through a meeting, but his new found knowledge that he was going through abstinence made it impossible for Enjolras to be mad. 

"What a great image I must have made", Grantaire smiled sadly. "You officially announce me as your boyfriend, and the first thing I do after that is fall asleep during your speech". 

"R, Enjolras said it's ok", Jehan said, squeezing the cynic's shoulder reassuringly. 

"Yes, don't worry about it", Enjolras supported with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. 

"But... I'm really sorry, Enj", Grantaire continued with sincerity, looking at Enjolras with pleading eyes. It was almost as if he was disappointed that Enjolras wasn’t mad at him. 

"It's ok, Grantaire", Enjolras repeated emphatically. 

"When has Enjolras ever lied to you, huh?" Jehan intervened, and that seemed to soothe Grantaire. He nodded his head and then yawned, still looking exhausted. 

"You should go home", Enjolras said. "You're still tired. I'll walk you, let's go". 

Grantaire, who was in fact too tired to protest, gave Jehan a sloppy kiss on the cheek before standing up from his chair and grabbing his jacket. 

"Ah, leaving already, R?", Joly whined from the other table. 

"We didn’t even get to see a kiss!" Bossuet protested, fake-pouting. 

"Grantaire is tired", Enjolras said when Grantaire opened his mouth to speak and yawned instead. "I'm taking him home". 

"Don't forget to use protection!", Joly and Courfeyrac yelled in unison as the pair went through the front door of the Musain, earning an eye roll from Enjolras. 

Grantaire's apartment was two buildings away from the Musain, which was why Enjolras knew that he had no time to lose. 

"Why didn’t you tell me you stopped drinking?" Enjolras asked, doing his best not to let accusation seep through his tone. Grantaire stiffened at this, not looking at Enjolras. They reached the front of his building, and Enjolras, in fear that Grantaire would attempt to escape before answering, took the man's hand into his.  

This drew Grantaire's attention, first to their intertwined hands and then to Enjolras' eyes. It was the first time they held each other's hands. 

It wasn’t a big deal, it really wasn’t. But it still felt like an important mark in their relationship. 

There was no way Grantaire couldn’t answer now and he knew it, which made him sigh in resignation as he tore his gaze away from Enjolras once more. 

"I thought you had noticed", he finally said. "I mean... we've been going out for a week and I didn’t have a single drink in front of you as I normally would. You're always complaining about my drinking habits, I thought you'd notice when I stopped". 

A knot formed in Enjolras' throat and he found himself unable to stare him in the eyes either. That was true. How did he not notice? What a terrible boyfriend he was. 

Grantaire deserved much better. Another reason why they should break up. 

"I wanted to ask you something", Grantaire added quickly, not waiting for Enjolras' response. He sounded nervous. "I mean, I understand if you don't want to or if you think it's too soon, and it's ok if you say no, I completely understand, I don’t want you to feel pressured to say yes just because-" 

"You're ranting", Enjolras interrupted. "What is it you want to ask?" 

Grantaire sighed, looking up at the sky and scratching his eyebrow before responding. 

"I was wondering if you want to sleep with me", he said, immediately blushing and widening his eyes. "Not like that! Not in that way. I mean, it's ok if you want to sleep with me in _that way_ too, but I mean that... Ah, shit, sorry, I'm not thinking straight. What I mean is that I've been feeling pretty shitty these past days, and I can barely sleep and... well", his blush deepened. "What Jehan said was true. Your voice _does_ soothe me. So I thought, hey, maybe he wants to take a nap or something, I should ask, and so I'm here asking if you want to sleep with me, in a totally literal way, that doesn’t have to be _that_ literal unless you don’t want it too, I'm up to anything, really, but I originally asked with the intent of taking –" 

"Grantaire", Enjolras interrupted with a genuine chuckle. "It's ok. I'll nap with you". 

"You will?" Grantaire asked with a beaming smile. 

"Of course", Enjolras squeezed his hand reassuringly. "I'm tired, too. A nap would be great". 

And that was how Enjolras found himself lying in Grantaire's bed, the man curled closely to him, head lying against Enjolras' chest and hearing the soothing rhythm of his heart. He had a hand on Grantaire's head, soothingly caressing the curls in an attempt to send the man to sleep, though the task wasn’t so difficult. Grantaire was truly exhausted – Enjolras noticed the absence of beer bottles or any alcoholic beverage on the apartment – and fell asleep rather quickly with Enjolras' presence. 

Enjolras, on the other hand, could not find in himself to sleep at all. Grantaire's breathing pattern was calming and his hair smelt great, but his eyes were wide open and his mind was racing with doubt and uncertainty. 

He didn’t like Grantaire with the same intensity the man liked him. That was a fact. And he didn't know if he ever would. 

Grantaire was ready to sacrifice everything for Enjolras, and Enjolras wasn’t ready to do the same for him. He couldn’t. And it wouldn’t be right of him to deprive Grantaire from that, to keep him from meeting a person that could give him everything he deserved just because he liked him a bit. It was selfish and wrong. 

Jehan's voice echoed on Enjolras brain. Everyone said Grantaire seemed happier. Grantaire, who was always lurking on dark corners with a beer on his hand and cynicism on his lips, had finally found happiness. He had even quit the unhealthy addiction that was constantly putting his life at risk. All because of Enjolras. 

Maybe Enjolras was a selfish prick for not wanting to break up with Grantaire. But he wasn’t condescending enough to deny that he had given Grantaire good things too. 

A reckless, mindless part of Enjolras' brain shrugged at him, urging him to take the easy decision. He made Grantaire happy, even without the full percentage of his love, right? And Grantaire made him happy, too. Why finish something that they were both happy with? 

If Enjolras was to end his relationship with Grantaire, he should have done it right after the first date, when he still had no feelings for the man. Now, he was in too deep to just drop it. 

His heart twitched with guilt for dropping such a serious subject with little thought put into it, but his brain relaxed with relief. He finally took note of that fact that he was lying on a bed with Grantaire snuggled close to him, cuddling affectively. He breathed in Grantaire's scent and allowed his thoughts to drift into oblivion. 

- 

Grantaire woke up to an empty bed on the following morning, with a little note from Enjolras telling him that he unfortunately had to leave for work. 

- 

The day of the protest came, and with that so did the revolutionary fervor that burned deep within Enjolras, making him lose hours of sleep due to pure excitement.  

The Amis had done a few protests in the past, and though they attracted a good public, they hadn't been exactly big. At least not as big as this one would be; there were over 500 people confirmed to attend and more were to be expected. This made Enjolras fist the air and hop around excitedly when he was alone at home. This was _exactly_ what they were aiming for, the whole point of the Amis – they were starting to get more and more public recognition and support, and as soon as enough people realized what they could change together, they would become victorious. 

Grantaire had promised Enjolras that he would go, even if he made his controversial opinions about the protest very vocal. He was well aware of how important that protest was for Enjolras, so he couldn’t just skip it as he normally did. Not after Enjolras asked if he would attend four times. 

But now there Enjolras was, at the Musain for the preparatory meeting, room full of excited people and posters and signs and the nervous vibration that hovered above them on the air. And Grantaire was nowhere to be seen. 

 _I_ _t's ok, he's probably just late_ , Enjolras thought to himself. Grantaire knew how important that was, and even if he was cynic about it, he would go. He had promised. 

He stopped feeling that hopeful when he climbed the stage to deliver his speech and Grantaire hadn't arrived. 

There were over 500 people in front of Enjolras, agglomerating around the tiny stage, ready to hear what Enjolras had to say. Enjolras could feel the energy seepping from them, could feel every fixed gaze upon him, every claim, every chant, every shout. His heart thumped faster inside his chest, blood filling up with adrenaline and pure excitement, seeing people throw their fists up the air and shout demands for equality and justice. This was all Enjolras ever wanted. This was all their cause ever needed. 

Enjolras started delivering the speech. 

He loved the way the audience shifted and stirred with his every word, how a mere phrase earned supporting shouts from the people and chants for change. Enjolras was pridefully running his eyes through the mass of people, rejoicing with their response, when he spotted a familiar mass of black curls on the middle of the crowd. 

Grantaire was there. 

He was staring up at Enjolras apologetically, well-aware that he was late, but he was _there_ , he had not broken his promise, he was there for Enjolras and he looked proud and adoring and all the beautiful things Grantaire could look like. Enjolras found himself beaming at his boyfriend, and a newfound feeling blossomed inside his chest. It fueled him with energy and righteous fury and vivacity, and Enjolras found himself yelling the memorized words of his speech with even more meaningfulness, powered up by Grantaire's sudden apparition. 

This was probably the best day of Enjolras' life. Not a single thing went wrong on that protest, police intervention was not needed and, by the end of it, Enjolras hopped off the stage (ignoring Combeferre's cries for him) and ran straight to Grantaire, eyes immediately finding the man in the middle of the crowd. He didn’t wait for Grantaire to explain himself or to say anything at all, kissing him full on the lips instead and taking the man by surprise. As they passionately made out, the nearest people to them on the crowd started applauding and cheering, making Enjolras blush deeply. That wasn’t enough to make him break the kiss. 

As they finally parted, Enjolras stared at Grantaire with huge pupils, panting for breath and smiling dumbly. Grantaire's face was red and his lips were bruised from the aggressive kiss, but he looked dumbstruck, the tinge of a smile appearing on his parted lips. 

Once again, it was as if all the people surrounding them disappeared into background noise, Enjolras' victory and Grantaire's eyes being the only thing that mattered on that moment. He had won. Not the war, but the most important fight, and now that their support would grow and the people would follow him, there was little Enjolras could convince himself to worry about on that particular moment. The protest was over, the protest had been great. The pre-meeting, the march across the city, the speech, everything. Everything went perfectly. _Grantaire_ was there, his boyfriend who didn’t believe in the cause but believed in him, he was there, supporting him, aiding him, _loving_ him.  

The same warm feeling from when he first saw Grantaire on the crowd reappeared inside Enjolras' chest, making him throw his self-preservation through the window and hear himself say, tone of voice rising so he could be heard over the noise of hundreds of people walking around them: 

"I love you". 

Did he mean it? Was he serious? Enjolras' heart raced further as his brain tried to catch up with the words he had just said. He couldn’t take them back now, because Grantaire had heard them, from the way he was looking at Enjolras with wide eyes and a gaping mouth. Enjolras freaked out. He shouldn’t have done this, he didn’t even know if he actually loved Grantaire, he didn’t know what romantically loving someone felt like. "Love" felt like a heavy word on his lips and on his heart, and he didn’t want to use it frivolously like that. He hadn't meant to say it like that, on that occasion, without knowing whether he actually loved Grantaire or not. Doubt filled his heart, replacing the previous excitement, and he stared at Grantaire's shell-shocked face with fear. 

Grantaire must have mistaken Enjolras' regret for declaring himself that frivolously for fear of not having his feelings requited, because he quickly recomposed himself, swallowing dry, and said: 

"I love you too". 

Enjolras forced a smile, pulling Grantaire into a hug just so that he could hide his face from the man. He had made a mistake, and now Grantaire thought he loved him even though he wasn’t quite sure about his own feelings. 

How on Earth could he find out whether he loved Grantaire or not? 

Sudden screaming coming from somewhere on their left called Enjolras' attention and he broke the hug, looking around and trying to find the source of the commotion. His eyes widened as he saw a fist fight erupting in the middle of the crowd, violence beginning to spread like a wave as the people who were fighting punched each other. There were people desperately trying to get away, running over each other as the police found a reason to intervene and approached the disruptors. 

"That isn't good", Enjolras murmured, turning back to look up at the stage where Combeferre was urging their friends away from the scene, through the back of the square. Enjolras shouldn’t have turned, because that way he didn’t see the wave of frantic people that were running towards him. The sudden impact of the running crowd knocked Enjolras over on the ground and separated him from Grantaire, who found there was now a mass of dozens of people between himself and Enjolras. 

"Enjolras! Enjolras!", the leader heard Grantaire screaming from somewhere behind the running people. Enjolras was on the ground, trying to get up with no avail. He rolled to the side, hoping to avoid most of the trampling, and crawled his way to the farther corner of the square, breaking into a half-run as soon as there weren't many people to block his way and reaching a dead end alley. 

He only properly got to his feet then, knees and back hurting and burning, but otherwise unharmed. His phone was buzzing frantically inside his back pocket and Enjolras pulled it out, noticing the screen was cracked but putting no thought into it. He picked the call up before he could see who it was, and the noise of screaming and gunshots filled the phone's speaker. 

"Enjolras!" Combeferre yelled over those sounds. "Where are you?" 

"I got away from the crowd, I'm on an alley", Enjolras panted, staring down at the tear on the fabric covering his knees and hissing in pain when he tried to touch it. "Where are you?" 

"I'm heading back to mine with Courf and Feuilly. The rest of our friends got away safely. The police just started using gas bombs and rubber bullets to disperse the crowd, so be safe when you get out of there, yeah? Maybe wait in the alley for a while". 

"Is Grantaire with you?" Enjolras panted. 

"What? No, he isn't with you?" 

Enjolras' heart skipped a bit and it took all his strength to maintain the grip on his phone. 

"I've got to go", Enjolras announced, and hung up before Combeferre could protest further. He immediately dialed Grantaire's number, but there was no need for that, for as soon as he hung up the call with Combeferre, he received another from Grantaire. 

"Where the fuck are you, Enjolras?" Grantaire screamed, and Enjolras had to pull the phone away from his ear.  

"I'm on an alley", Enjolras immediately responded, relieved that Grantaire was ok enough to call him. "Where are you? Are you hurt?" 

"No, I'm not hurt", Grantaire said, sounding relieved too. "But I saw you get trampled, Enjolras, are you ok? In which alley are you?" 

Enjolras could hear the loud sound of gunshots and police sirens somewhere close to Grantaire. 

"I'm ok", Enjolras told him. "My place is closer from here than yours. Get the fuck away from this mess and go there, there's a spare key glued to the bottom of the doormat. I'll meet you there". 

"Enjolras –" 

"Grantaire, I swear I'm ok", Enjolras interrupted. "Please just do what I asked". 

Enjolras could perfectly pictured the way Grantaire tightened his jaw in reproval. 

"Fine", he resigned. "I'll meet you there. Be safe". 

"You too", Enjolras said before hanging up. 

Enjolras put the phone back into his pocket, taking in a deep breath before heading back to the square. 

Finding his way back home wasn’t as difficult as Enjolras thought it would be. The dying commotion had concentrated on the extreme opposite of the square, which allowed Enjolras to run his way almost freely to the other end and only descend into a jog when he was almost a kilometer away from the scene. 

He wouldn’t usually leave the scene like that, without fighting with the people against the police brutality, but this time was different. There were way too many people for his intervening to be safe, and Combeferre would kill him if he got himself arrested again. Plus, Grantaire would be waiting for him at home, and he wanted to make sure the man wasn’t actually harmed. 

Except Grantaire wasn’t there when Enjolras arrived, and all the frustration and anger that had been bottling up inside the leader as soon as he saw the first punches being thrown finally became too much and he screamed, kicking the chair of his kitchen counter and throwing a glass against the wall. He knew it was a tantrum, but couldn't find it in himself to be ashamed for it. 

Everything had been going perfectly, then went to hell so quickly. Hatred boiled deep within Enjolras as he broke another glass, another scream tearing itself from his throat. He couldn’t remember ever feeling so angry. Now the people would be afraid to attend protests, afraid that they would turn into violent chaos like this one. Everything Enjolras had worked so hard for, thrown away because of a mere punch. 

When Grantaire finally arrived, he found Enjolras kneeling on the floor, panting heavily beside a sea of broken glass. It looked like the leader was doing his best not to cry, and Grantaire kneeled in front of him, looking at Enjolras with tenderness before pulling the man into a warm hug. 

"It's ok", Grantaire murmured softly on his ear. Enjolras' heart stung with anger upon remembering how Grantaire had warned him about the inevitable failure of the protest. 

"No it isn't", Enjolras whispered with anger, voice breaking. "It all went wrong. It was perfect, and then it all went to fucking _hell_ and now months of work were thrown in the _garbage_ ". 

"Enjolras", Grantaire said gently, pulling away from the hug but never removing his hands from Enjolras' shoulder. "You did your best. You delivered your best speech so far. Some people will be scared away because of this, yes, but at the end of the day you'll still have more followers than you had before. I'd say it's a win", he gave Enjolras a crooked smile. 

"But it wasn’t _supposed to be like this_ ", Enjolras whispered, anger still making his voice shake. "It was supposed to be perfect". 

"I know", Grantaire pulled him into another hug, softly caressing his curls. "I know". 

They stayed like that for a long time, Enjolras breathing heavily while Grantaire held him and caressed him, both kneeling silently on the glass-covered floor. It felt like an eternity before Grantaire finally spoke up. 

"How about this", he suggested. "I'll text Combeferre to let him know we're fine, you're going to take a nice, warm shower to take all that dust and stress out of you, and then we're going to take a nap together and only think about the bad part of the protest when we wake up. How does that sound?" 

Enjolras considered his options and found himself indulging in Grantaire's suggestion. There was nothing that he wanted more on that moment than to forget about the failure of what he had fought so hard for. Enjolras had naively thought he had succeeded. He hated himself for that. 

He nodded, and could feel Grantaire smiling against his shoulder. He broke the hug once more, getting to his feet and carefully helping Enjolras up. He pulled out his phone and quickly texted Combeferre, telling him they were fine and at Enjolras'. He didn't wait for a response, throwing the phone absentmindedly on the couch before taking Enjolras' hand and leading him to the bathroom. 

"I'm gonna grab you a towel", Grantaire announced, turning on his heels, but Enjolras' hand gripping his forearm stopped him on his tracks. 

Enjolras didn’t know what he was doing. He was angry, and frustrated, and stressed out, and feeling miserable. All he wanted right now was to feel Grantaire's warmth against him, to feel his scent and hear his rough voice tell him comforting words. He was well aware he was a shitty human being for using Grantaire's willingness to please him in that way, but couldn’t find any guilt inside him as he leaned over to whisper on the cynic's ear: 

"Join me". 

Grantaire shuddered, eyelids closing as Enjolras' breath tickled his ear. 

"Are you sure?" Grantaire asked, voice echoing on the silent bathroom. 

Enjolras wanted to let out that accumulated energy inside him. He wanted to feel good. And he knew Grantaire wanted that too. 

"Yes", he purred on Grantaire's ear, and that was enough to make the man turn around and stand face-to-face with Enjolras.  

They shared quick kisses that were interrupted several times due to their clumsy removal of clothes. Enjolras had to bend over to take off his pants, while Grantaire struggled to take off his shirt. While Grantaire took his own pants off, Enjolras turned the water on, hot steam quickly filling the bathroom and moisturizing the mirror. 

Enjolras entered the shower as Grantaire resumed removing his clothes, allowing the hot water to fall on his tense shoulders and make his hair damp. He knew he should feel embarrassed about being naked in front of Grantaire for the first time, specially because he had never done anything of the sorts before, but next to all the stress and incoming problems he would have to face soon, Enjolras couldn’t care less. 

Grantaire entered the shower, completely naked. His eyes were facing downwards and his cheeks were burning with embarrassment, but Enjolras had never seen him so beautiful before. Tiny droplets of water from the shower nested on his curls as he approached Enjolras, who was staring at him longingly.  

They stood, faces a mere inch from each other, noses brushing and water running down their faces. Enjolras parted his rosy lips and reached to bite gently at Grantaire's lower one, making the man close his eyes, overwhelmed by pure desire.  

They kissed, gently at first but finding a more passionate rhythm, and the only sound on the small bathroom other than their harsh breathing was the water dripping on the floor. 

Enjolras was already hard by the time Grantaire found his throat, licking and sucking in the exact pattern he knew Enjolras liked. He knew Grantaire was hard too, he could feel it against his thigh, and Enjolras couldn’t suppress a moan at the knowledge that Grantaire wanted him without gaining anything in return. 

Hearing Enjolras moan awaked something inside Grantaire, who started spreading small kisses against Enjolras' neck. He allowed his lips to trade further, kissing Enjolras collarbone. He found one of Enjolras' nipples and sucked it gently, giving it a small bite that earned a harsh intake of breath from the leader. With a wicked smile, Grantaire carried on, getting on his knees and slowly kissing Enjolras belly, bellybutton and his hips until he finally reached his erection. 

Grantaire placed the softest of kisses on the top of Enjolras' erection, immediately looking up at the man to see his reaction. Enjolras was staring down at Grantaire, face flushed and pupils wide, rosy lips parted in desire. Grantaire waited, as if expecting some kind of approval, water running down his back. Enjolras lifted a hand and placed it gently on the back of Grantaire's neck, propping it forward ever-so-slightly, in a barely noticeable way, and the cynic knew that was enough consent. He took most of Enjolras' length into his mouth, slowly allowing the man's erection to slither past his lips, enjoying the sensation and Enjolras' taste for a couple seconds before giving a testing suck. 

Enjolras took in another harsh breath, hand still resting on the nape of Grantaire's neck, fingers idly rubbing soothing circles on the scalp. Grantaire pulled his head back and then forward again, allowing his tongue to slowly curl around Enjolras' cock as he kept sucking. Grantaire's movements were slow and precise, and he hadn't even took Enjolras' entire length into his mouth yet but the man's breathing pattern had already increased. Grantaire dared to take a peek of Enjolras' face, looking up as he sucked, and his own erection twitched upon seeing the face Enjolras was making. His red lips were open, forming a little 'o', eyelids closed and brow twisted in a frown of pleasure. Grantaire pulled his head back until only the head of Enjolras' cock was still inside his mouth, and curled his tongue around the tip rapidly, giving it a little suck and never taking his eyes out of Enjolras' face. The leader bit his lower lip at this, trembling from pleasure, shivers running down his spine and all the way to his erection. Grantaire pulled back completely, still on his kneeling position, staring up at Enjolras and waiting for the man to look at him. Enjolras made a displeased noise on the back of his throat and open his eyes, staring at Grantaire in confusion. 

"You know", Grantaire said, raising an eyebrow at Enjolras. "I wouldn’t mind if you wanted to be a little rough". 

"W-what?" Enjolras asked, still confused by all the new sensations that were running through his body. 

"I mean that, if you want", Grantaire said, feeling a blush reach his cheeks. He knew Enjolras was a virgin, and didn’t want the man to do anything that made him uncomfortable on his first time. He placed a kiss at he inside of Enjolras' thigh as if to hide his face. "You could hold me by the hair and find the rhythm that suits you most. Make me take all of you in my mouth. But only if you want to", he quickly added. 

"Y-you would like that?" Enjolras asked, eyes sparkling with want. Grantaire smirked wickedly and, instead of answering, went back to sucking Enjolras' cock, this time increasing the speed. Enjolras groaned – literally _groaned_ , Grantaire thought he was about to _die_ from desire – and the hand that had been resting on his nape tightened into a fist around his curls, pushing his face against Enjolras' crotch. Grantaire gave the leader a pleased moan that vibrated through Enjolras' length and he pushed Grantaire further, rocking his hips forward slightly. Grantaire was still looking up at Enjolras as best as he could from his position on the floor, and internally smiled at the way Enjolras' eyes rolled to the back of his head and fluttered close as his cock slid into the back of Grantaire's throat.  

Grantaire kept sucking eagerly, always managing to do something to tease Enjolras enough to earn a moan or a groan from him. His jaw was starting to ache and the spot on his scalp that Enjolras was fisting was starting to grow sore, but Grantaire couldn’t care less. Enjolras' hips were still rocking in a now irregular pattern against Grantaire's mouth, hand holding his head but not moving it, and Grantaire thought he would reach his climax when he heard Enjolras groan: 

"Oh my god, I'm going to come, Grantaire" 

Enjolras' hips stopped moving, and it was as if he expected Grantaire to pull away so that he wouldn’t come in his mouth. 

As if that wasn’t exactly what Grantaire wanted. 

The cynic remained in his position, Enjolras' cock inside his mouth, waiting. He kept sucking, keeping the previous speed even though Enjolras wasn’t rocking his hips or pulling his mouth, eyes nearly turning on their sockets just so that he could see Enjolras' face as he orgasmed. 

"Grantaire, p-please", Enjolras whispered, mouth wide open now as he tried to breathe through the pleasure. Grantaire didn’t stop sucking. 

Enjolras came inside Grantaire's mouth with a sharp cry of the man's name, hand gripping the cynic's hair going slack and knees buckling. Grantaire swallowed every drop, maintaining Enjolras' erection inside him until it looked like Enjolras couldn’t stand up any longer. He managed to pin Enjolras' hips against the cold wall before he could lose balance, and Enjolras was staring down at him with a look he had never given Grantaire before. It was a look of pure, undoubted love. 

Grantaire stood up, ignoring the soreness of his knees and running a teasing finger across Enjolras' side, rejoicing at the goosebumps that appeared on the leader's skin.  

"Did you like it?", he asked with a smirk, hiding his face on the crook of Enjolras' neck and breathing in deeply despite of the still rushing water. 

Enjolras let out a shaky breath, Grantaire's hands on his hips the only thing keeping him from falling. 

"I loved it", Enjolras whispered, voice low and rough, and the way Grantaire trembled against him reminded him that the man was still hard. 

Enjolras reached down with a shaky hand and took hold of Grantaire's erection, smiling at the tiny whimper that escaped the cynic's throat with the contact. Enjolras started with slow, soft movement, afraid to use too much force and hurt him. The hands holding Enjolras' hips strengthened their grip and would surely leave a mark, and Grantaire was breathing heavily, eventually nibbling at Enjolras' shoulder as if to keep himself from crying out while Enjolras jerked him off, pace of his thrusts increasing with Grantaire's tiny moans. 

Enjolras was about to get down on his knees and take Grantaire into his mouth when the man came without warning, moaning Enjolras' name and throwing his head back in pleasure. His legs seemed stronger than Enjolras, for they did buckle but he managed to keep his balance, both hands leaning on the wall behind Enjolras and pining the leader to it. 

They stared at each other, afterglow of their first sexual interaction making them pant and shiver, smiling dumbly at each other. They both went for a kiss at the same time, which made them knock their noses against each other's and laugh loudly. Grantaire took Enjolras' face into one of his hands tenderly and stared at him for a long time, smiling softly, before saying: 

"I love you, Enjolras". 

Enjolras' previous doubt was completely gone. He actually felt quite stupid for denying himself from loving Grantaire, because that's what he did, wasn’t it? He denied himself from loving him, finding excuses and doubts to make himself believe that he couldn’t love Grantaire, ignoring his heart crying out so blatantly, when in fact loving Grantaire was all he ever wanted. 

He had no more doubts anymore. He was tired of denying himself. 

"I love you too, R", Enjolras said, with a heartwarming sincerity. Grantaire chuckled. 

"That's the first time you call me that", Grantaire commented, smiling and biting Enjolras' lower lip with affection. 

Enjolras smiled back, realizing that it was true. He never called Grantaire by the silly nickname he had given himself, but what was the point of preventing himself from doing that when they had just done the most intimate thing a couple could do? They passionately kissed once more, and the warm feeling Enjolras felt when he finally found Grantaire on the crowd of hundreds of people returned. He loved Grantaire, and wasn’t afraid to admit it. 

They turned the water off – Enjolras felt bad for wasting that much water, and made a mental note to not indulge into shower sex anymore – and dried themselves, heading to Enjolras' bedroom to take Grantaire's promised nap. Enjolras lent the cynic his own clothes, and since they were nearly the same height, they fit him perfectly.  

It was Enjolras' time to lie with his head against Grantaire's chest, and he was surprised at how fast the man's steady heartbeat lured him into sleep. As he drifted off, Grantaire's scent somehow managing to seep through Enjolras' clothes, Enjolras realized that even though the protest had gone wrong and a lot of work was to be done to fix it, he had never felt more contented. Grantaire's warm body and hands playing with Enjolras' curls, Grantaire's _undoubted belief_ and love for him were enough to make him forget about the troubles and difficulties that the future would bring and just keep going. 

"I love you", Grantaire murmured, sounding as sleepy as Enjolras felt. Now that they both had spoken the feared phrase it was like a line was crossed, and they both felt free to say it anytime they wanted. 

"Love you too", Enjolras replied, nearly asleep, warmness blossoming inside his chest once more. 

He was happy. 

 

Little did he know that, in exactly one month, it would all end. 


	4. Chapter 4

Courfeyrac's birthday was coming, which meant that the Amis were being constantly flooded with plans and preparations for what was to be a huge party. 

A month had passed since Enjolras admitted to himself that he was in love, and from there on, things only got increasingly better. He saw Grantaire nearly everyday, except for Wednesday nights, when Grantaire played the piano on a restaurant near to the Corinthe. Enjolras didn’t even know that his boyfriend could play and was surprised to find that out, but he supposed that made sense, since they had never gone out on Wednesdays before. What came as even more of a surprise to Enjolras was that the piano wasn’t the _only_ instrument Grantaire could play, and the man even had a youtube channel where he posted several cover videos. 

"Why did you never tell me that?!" Enjolras exclaimed when he first learned about the channel. Grantaire shrugged absentmindedly, too busy making a sketch of Enjolras – who was posing for him – to look up at his boyfriend. 

"You never asked, Enj", he replied, sparing Enjolras a quick glance just so he could add a detail to the drawing. The subject had come up when Enjolras, unaware of Grantaire's job, asked him if they could go out on a Wednesday due to a problem in his work. He had then learned that Grantaire had a part-time job on this restaurant at Wednesday nights, as a way to win some extra money to add to the one he won with the art studio. 

"Well, yes, but I don’t think this is an usual topic of conversation", Enjolras protested, shifting positions on the bed to lean against the pillows more comfortably. "It's not like anyone asks their date if they have a youtube channel on the first time they go out together. Or on the second time. Or on other times". 

"Stop moving so much", Grantaire hissed for what felt like the thousandth time. "But I guess you're right. It just never occurred to me that you'd be interested". 

"Of course I'm interested!" Enjolras protested, offended. "You're my boyfriend. I care about all the cool, artsy things you do. Give me your channel name", he said, bending over on the bed to grab his phone that was sitting on the nightstand. 

Grantaire glared daggers at Enjolras and that was enough to make the leader freeze, slowly returning to his previous position on the bed while making puppy eyes. 

"I swear to god, for such a beautiful man you're the worst model ever", Grantaire rolled his eyes affectionately. "Can you please stay still for more than thirty seconds?" 

"What will I win?" Enjolras fake-pouted, teasing Grantaire as they had grown used to for the past weeks.  

"I'll give you the name of my channel so you can watch my embarrassing videos", Grantaire rolled his eyes, smiling. 

"Ok", Enjolras shrugged, leaning back on the pillows and posing as Grantaire had asked him to. "But I want a kiss, too". 

"As if I don’t kiss you all the time", Grantaire smirked, continuing to draw his boyfriend. 

"So, have you figured out what to give Courf for his birthday?" Enjolras asked absentmindedly, doing his best not to move an inch from his position. 

"Well, not yet", Grantaire said, hands moving professionally as he drew, eyes fixed on the paper. "He didn’t tell me what he wanted so I thought about painting him a portrait, but you know, in a Courf-like manner. What about you?" 

"I'm still torn between the jaguar-printed pants and the glittery jacket", Enjolras admitted. "But I think that whichever option that contains 'glitter' is the right answer". 

They both chuckled at this, secretly enjoying the domesticity of the situation. It became usual for them to hang out on each other's apartment, even if just to talk. Enjolras would often pose to Grantaire, who would either sketch him or paint him, and their sex could only be defined as spectacular. It was as if they were one; each of them knowing exactly what the other needed and wanted, the chemistry between them so strong that each orgasm felt stronger and better than the previous. 

Also, even if he didn’t think the Amis would get anywhere and disagreed with their cause, Grantaire had amazing arguments and specific knowledge that helped Enjolras very much whenever he found himself facing dead ends on his speeches. The leader often found himself calling or stopping by Grantaire's apartment just so that they could discuss a difficult subject and find an answer for Enjolras' conflicts. 

"I don’t get it", Enjolras told him once. "How come you have so many good arguments that are _pro_ -cause, but don’t believe we will succeed?" 

"I'm a cynic at heart, Enjolras", Grantaire had shrugged. "You can't change that". 

"I know, and I don’t want to", Enjolras explained, remembering Joly's advice from what felt like years ago. "But I just want to _understand_. You know, rationally, that what we fight for is possible to be accomplished. Why can’t you believe?" 

"I guess I've been disappointed too many times in my life to find it in myself to keep believing", Grantaire had answered with a sad smile that made Enjolras' heart ache. He had raised a hand to caress Grantaire's face at this, propping the man's head up with tenderness until their eyes met. 

"I won't ever disappoint you", Enjolras had told him. "I promise". 

"I know", Grantaire had responded, smile reaching his eyes now. "That's why I believe in you". 

That was enough for Enjolras. 

They fought, of course. In fact, they fought at least once a week, yelling harsh words at each other as they did at meetings, except now the attacks weren't so personal. Grantaire had quit drinking, so Enjolras couldn’t call him drunkard anymore, and Enjolras was no longer unattainable in a godlike manner, so Grantaire couldn’t call him Apollo. Plus, though they discussed often, they no longer felt the need to hurt each other during the fights like they did before, since there was no remaining animosity between the two of them. 

They loved each other, despite their different opinions and beliefs. And of the fights. 

Grantaire hadn't had a single drink ever since his first date with Enjolras. He still smoked sometimes, but never near the leader. The withdrawal had been the hardest thing Grantaire went through in his life, and the memory of the first days still made him shiver. Joly and Bossuet had helped him through it all, staying at his place with him when he couldn’t sleep or eat and forcing him to shower every once in a while. He even hallucinated sometimes, Joly there to calm him down, and when he was at his worst, a sobbing mess that was begging for any small drop of alcohol, Bossuet supported him. 

The worst symptoms of his abstinence were gone by now, but that didn’t mean that Grantaire was completely over it. Sometimes, his ache for a drink was so strong that he still needed to call his two best friends, or, as it had grown more usual, Enjolras. Enjolras was always there supporting him, distracting him from the urge for alcohol with his mere presence, convincing him to draw even if his hands were too shaky or to play the guitar even if his arms felt too heavy. Grantaire was grateful for that, more than he could possibly say. Enjolras was probably the best thing that had ever happened in his life, and sometimes the cynic simply couldn’t believe that he was lucky enough to be his boyfriend. 

Even if he wouldn’t admit it to anyone, Grantaire still dreaded, deep down, that there was a catch to all this. That one day he would wake up, and find out that this amazing thing he was building with Enjolras was a lie. 

He didn’t know what he would do if that was the case. 

- 

When Enjolras got home, the first thing he did was fish the small piece of paper containing Grantaire's youtube channel from his pocket and grab his laptop ( _"Are you actually going to write it on paper? I can text you the name, what are you, a 19_ _th_ _century peasant?"_ ). He was already aware of how well the man played the guitar, but Enjolras had never heard him actually singing. His heart pace raced with excitement when he found the channel, and went all the way down to the first video. There weren't many videos uploaded, and the first one dated two years back. 

The name of the video was "Cigarette by AJJ Cover", and Enjolras clicked on it, finding it to be a cover from Grantaire's favorite band. The theme was kind of sad, even if Grantaire sang it with emotion. Enjolras moved on and clicked on the next video, called "I Wanna be Yours".  Enjolras felt himself blush deeply upon hearing the song, realizing how far back Grantaire's crush on him went. The way he looked at the camera with barely hidden sadness while singing and playing made Enjolras' stomach churn. 

Plus, Grantaire was an amazing singer. Hearing his low, silky voice melodically singing the words at Enjolras – because Enjolras was _sure_ that the words were aimed at him, from the very beginning – was, admittedly, a huge turn on for him. He would have to ask Grantaire to sing to him in person. 

There were several covers uploaded – all of them were excelent, and Enjolras didn’t even think he could be _more_ surprised by Grantaire's talents -, but the one that shocked Enjolras the most was one posted at the end of 2015. The title read simply "You", and when Enjolras clicked it, found himself staring at a different Grantaire. He was pale, hair more disheveled than usual, eyes red and puffy as if he had been crying, dark circles under it. His beard was badly shaven and he looked a bit drunk, not giving his subscribers the usual greeting he did on the other videos. 

"So, obviously I'm not doing very great today", Grantaire said on the recording, pulling a bottle of beer offscreen and chugging it down, while trying to keep the guitar from falling from his lap. "So here's a sulky song to match my mood". 

Grantaire started playing beautifully, but the words that left his mouth were scarred into Enjolras' brain.  

 _You don't want me, no, you don't need me_  

 _Like I want you, oh_ _, like I need you_  

 _And I want you in my life_  

 _A_ _nd I need you in my life_  

 _You can't see me, no, like I see you_  

 _I can't have you, no, like you have me_  

Was he really that dismissingly cruel to Grantaire in the past? Enjolras felt the guilt rise within him once more, remembering the way he had shrugged Grantaire's feelings off as a mere infatuation. If only he had known how much he would come to love him in the future, he would have given the man a more compassionate treatment. Seeing how Grantaire was hurt by his contempt, even if it made sense at the time, made Enjolras feel terrible. 

 _You can't feel me, no, like I feel you_  

 _I_ _can't steal you, no, like you stole me_  

 _And I want you in my life_  

 _A_ _nd I need you in my life_  

Enjolras' chest tightened painfully, but he felt the knot in his throat loosen upon seeing how Grantaire started uploading covers of happier songs through the weeks. He checked the dates these videos were posted, realizing they matched the time he and Grantaire started dating. 

Sometimes, Enjolras felt too overwhelmed with the responsibility he held over Grantaire's happiness. He loved the cynic, and wanted him to be happy, but it was as if Grantaire's happiness and well being depended completely on the leader.  

When he finished watching the videos, Enjolras called Grantaire. 

"So", Grantaire greeted after the second ring. It sounded like he wanted to sound self-confident, but couldn’t help but to let some of the insecurity seep through. "What did you think?" 

"You're amazing, R", Enjolras said, full of admiration. He could picture Grantaire grinning at him with clarity. "Honestly, I wish you had told me about your singing talents before, because this is a _huge_ turn on". 

"Ah, man", Grantaire muttered, sounding defeated, and they both bursted into laughter. "If only I had known about your weird, musical kinks. If you liked those crappy videos you _have_ to let me make you watch Moulin Rouge, I bet you'd come in your pants halfway through it", he teased. 

"They're not crappy, don't say that", Enjolras said, seriousness subtlely seeping into his tone. "I loved them, I really did. Will you sing to me in person?" 

"Ah, I don't know...", Grantaire mumbled. 

"Please?", Enjolras asked, tenderly. 

"Oh, Enjolras, how can I ever say no to you", Grantaire sighed, chuckling. "Fine, I'll sing to you in person. But don't expect me to be able to look at you after that; I may not be a shy person but singing and playing in front of my crush is a sure thing to get me all flustered with embarrassment". 

"I'm not your crush, I'm your boyfriend", Enjolras corrected with humor. Grantaire laughed. 

"Yeah, that you are. I keep forgetting. It's just that...", Grantaire sighed, sounding uncertain. "Sometimes it feels too good to be real". 

Enjolras' heart skipped a beat, starting to race. 

"Don't say that", he found himself saying, as gently as he could. "It's all real, R. I love you. Never doubt that, ok?" 

"Ok", he responded, though Enjolras didn’t think he sounded too convinced. 

"Well, I've got to go now, R", Enjolras said. "I have some papers I have to read for the office, and about two or six speeches to write". 

"Two or six speeches!" Grantaire laughed loudly. 

"I'm a busy man", Enjolras rolled his eyes, smirking. 

"I know you are. Well, have a nice night, busy bee. Don't go to sleep too late or you'll get all grumpy by the morning. Love you". 

"Love you too, R", Enjolras said with a smile and hung up. 

- 

Courfeyrac's birthday party was huge. 

He had called the Amis and half of the city – apparently, Courfeyrac was more well-known than Montparnasse himself – to the event, which meant they would need to find a place big enough to fit all these people. Thankfully, Montparnasse knew the owner of a new nightclub that was merely a few blocks away from the Musain. The man would have to reserve the place just for Courfeyrac, though – literally half the city was invited. It wasn’t an exaggeration - , which wouldn’t come cheap. Every Ami contributed with a part of the rent, and then everything was settled. 

Courfeyrac, of course, was beaming with excitement. None of them even knew if the club was good – it was opened too recently for any of them to have attended, even Grantaire – but Courfeyrac didn’t seem to care about that. _It's going to_ _be the party of the year_ , he kept telling everyone. Enjolras thought he looked like an overexcited child, waiting anxiously for Christmas to arrive. 

The only thing that worried Enjolras was that there were going to be copious amounts of alcohol on that party – it was a nightclub, after all – and Grantaire was still a recovering alcoholic. Only a month had passed since he stopped drinking, and Enjolras was well aware that he still struggled with that, the urge to have a drink being too strong for him to bear it alone sometimes. Enjolras was always there for him when he needed, when his hands shook too much to hold a pencil or his headaches became too intense for him to keep his eyes open. He had no idea what effect this party would have on Grantaire, how he would react to seeing that many people drinking around him. 

He had approached Courfeyrac on the matter, and the man seemed surprised and guilty. 

"Oh my god, Enj, I'm so sorry, I forgot about that", he had apologized. "God... I'm such a prick, how did I not remember about R?" 

"Well, is there any way there isn't any alcohol on the party?" Enjolras had frowned. Courfeyrac bit his lip at that, looking even guiltier. 

"I'll take away most of it", Courfeyrac had promised. "I'll tell the guy to leave just the lightest drinks on the bar. I can't take everything away or people will have my head for inviting them for a nightclub without alcohol, but I'll get rid of the worst". 

"Thanks, Courf", Enjolras had smiled. 

When he told Grantaire the news – that he wouldn’t have to worry about having lots of drunk people around them – Grantaire frowned, seeming annoyed. 

"You shouldn’t have done, Enj", Grantaire had protested. "It's Courf's birthday. People will have no fun without some alcohol to loosen them up". 

"But R-" 

"I'm a grown boy, Enjolras", Grantaire had chuckled. "I can take care of myself. Plus, you've been helping me a lot through it, I'm sure I can handle one night of temptation as long as you're there with me". 

Enjolras had pulled him into a kiss at this, keeping the cynic glued to his body even after they parted for breath, staring lovingly into each other's eyes. 

"I'll always be with you", Enjolras promised.  

And now they were sitting at the nightclub, loud electronic music thumping their ears, having to scream at each other in order to be heard over the sound. Enjolras was sitting beside Grantaire on a table, hands intertwined, engaged on a deep conversation about space with Combeferre, who had refused all drinks so far in solidarity to Grantaire. 

Courfeyrac, on the other hand, had loved Enjolras' birthday gift so much he had run to the club's bathroom and changed into the jaguar-printed pants. This called the attention of one of his invitees, who had offered him a drink which lead to another drink and another and resulted on an already tipsy Courfeyrac killing it on the dance floor. 

(Grantaire had texted him after Enjolras told him what he had done and gave the man his endorsement for having any type of alcoholic beverage he wanted on his party. Courfeyrac apologized profusely for forgetting about Grantaire's recovery and promised it wouldn’t happen again, but during the party, Grantaire could see more than simple drinks being served). 

Enjolras didn’t leave Grantaire's side for a moment. He even glared at the waiters who offered Grantaire a beer, scaring the men away. Joly and Bossuet were also refusing drinks in solidarity to Grantaire, but halfway through the party the young doctor appeared beside the couple and Combeferre, limping slightly due to the absence of his cane. 

"Let's dance, R!", Joly invited happily, throwing his arms around Grantaire's neck in a way that made Enjolras tear his eyes away, a tiny bit jealous of their intimacy. 

"Ah, I'm not sure I'm up for it", Grantaire declined, hugging Joly back. 

"No way!" Joly protested, pulling back and staring at Grantaire. "You've never denied me a dance before! We're going to dance, this party will be fun for you too!" He declared, pulling Grantaire up from his seat with one hand and grabbing Enjolras' forearm with the other. "Come on, Enj, you're coming too!" 

"Hah, thank you, Joly, but I don’t dance", Enjolras smiled politely. "But go ahead, you three, I will-" 

"It wasn’t a question!" Joly interrupted, laughing and pulling Enjolras up too. Grantaire put a steady hand on Joly's hip to steady him and keep him from falling when he lost balance. 

That's how Enjolras found himself being dragged by the small doctor to a crowded dance floor, Grantaire throwing his head back and laughing at something Bossuet had whispered in his ear as they walked.  

As soon as they reached the dance floor, Enjolras reached for Grantaire's hand with unusual insecurity. The reason he didn’t dance was because he didn’t know how to, and Enjolras hated doing things he didn’t know or wasn’t good at, because one of his self-demands in life was that he excelled in everything he did. Grantaire took his hand, body naturally shaking with the rhythm of the song, but he stopped upon seeing the embarrassed frown on Enjolras' face. 

"What's wrong?" Grantaire shouted over the music, which was louder on the dance floor. 

Enjolras swallowed dry, leaning over to shout with embarrassment beside Grantaire's ear: 

"I don't know how to dance". 

Grantaire was aware of how Enjolras hated being forced to do things he didn't know how to, and pulled his boyfriend closer to him. 

"Just copy what I'm doing", Grantaire shouted, beat of the music making the floor vibrate beneath their shoes. "Let's go over there, it's less crowded". 

Grantaire led Enjolras to the corner of the dance floor, where there were less people frantically dancing and bumping into each other. Grantaire started shaking his shoulders and arms, waddling his hips towards Enjolras until their bodies were glued hip to hip, Grantaire making swaying movements with his waist and making Enjolras imitate him. 

It took Enjolras some time to stop looking like a dancing robot, but in three songs and a half, he got the hang of it, mimicking Grantaire's  movement almost perfectly. He even dared to create some moves of his own, swaying rhythmically down to his knees and up again, making Grantaire applaud with a laugh and place a proud kiss on his cheek. 

On the middle of the crowd, Joly was dancing madly with Bossuet despite of his leg. They were already sweaty and panting from all the moving, bodies glued together and to other people's as well, due to the crowding. 

"Do you want to go back there with the guys or would you rather stay here?", Grantaire asked on Enjolras' ear, but the man had little time to answer because Bahorel suddenly appeared behind them and threw his large arms over their shoulders, standing between the pair. 

"What are the little doves doing here, away from all the fun?" He shouted, shaking the two men with humor. "Stop flirting and let's rub our butts on strangers!", he roared, and then he was gone, disappearing among the mass of people and throwing his arms on the air madly in sync with the beat. He looked drunk. 

Grantaire gave Enjolras a questioning look and the leader took some time to nod, but eventually did so. The party must be boring enough for Grantaire, seeing nearly everyone around him getting drunk when he couldn’t indulge himself into that pleasure. He deserved the little fun that he could get, even if it meant that Enjolras would have to follow him into a crowd of sweating, dancing people. 

Grantaire smiled widely when Enjolras nodded, leaning over to shout a "Don't worry, you're ready!", before taking Enjolras' hand and pulling him back into the dance floor, finding Joly, Bossuet and Bahorel. 

Grantaire immediately started dancing with them, even allowing Bahorel to rub their butts together while throwing his head back to laugh. Dancing came naturally to Grantaire and he looked beautiful while doing so, strands of wayward curls falling above his eyes and making him nod them away, exposing his jaw and neck for Enjolras. He unconsciously smiled while dancing, which Enjolras found adorable, and his cheeks went rosy from the physical effort. It was if his body and the music became one, Grantaire made movements that matched the beat or the percussion perfectly, and he looked light and ethereal in a way that Enjolras could never approach with his imitated awkward movements. 

He must have lost himself in though while watching Grantaire, because he wasn’t dancing at all, gaping at his boyfriend, and Bossuet nudged him with an elbow. 

"Come on, Enjolras! Shake those rattling bones of yours!" The bald man urged, smiling and never stopping to dance. It was as if Enjolras had been awoken from a trance, starting to dance in the way Grantaire taught him and doing his best to look as natural as possible. Grantaire saw how hard he was trying and pulled him closer, one hand on Enjolras' hip and the other resting on his lower back. 

Grantaire was seductively rubbing his body against Enjolras', even taking a small bite at his lower lip as they danced close together, crotches rubbing and creating heat and friction enough to drive Enjolras mad. Grantaire smirked wickedly upon seeing the lustful look at Enjolras face and pulled him into a kiss, making heat rise to Enjolras' face as their tongues curled around each other. 

One of their friends booed them playfully and they parted, smiling. Enjolras was feeling more confident about dancing than before. He started to feel the music, the beat, and allowed his body to move in accord to it, feeling more natural than before and less worried about embarrassing himself. 

Who needed alcohol when Grantaire's kiss was that inebriating? 

Enjolras was openly dancing now, instead of the shy movements he had been doing. He allowed his shoulders and arms to move, to touch Grantaire and not to touch him, completely ignoring the people around them, who were bumping into him and buzzing with pure energy. 

But it turned out Enjolras shouldn’t have ignored the people like that, for he grew too inattentive and didn’t get out of the way from a drunk man that bumped him on accident and, being way larger than Enjolras was, knocked him down on the floor. 

Something inside Enjolras' mind was triggered and he couldn’t breathe all of a sudden. 

It was like the protest all over again, being trapped on the floor beneath hundreds of frantic people. He couldn’t get to his feet no matter how he tried, and he could remember the urgent need to escape, to get away of there before he could be trampled to death by the crowd. He heard a distant voice calling his name, but Enjolras couldn’t tell if he was remembering or if that was actually happening. He didn't even know how scary it was to be trapped on that protest until it happened again, and now his heart was thumping madly inside his chest, adrenaline filling him to the brim and urging him to get away. The melodic, loud music slowly faded into one single high-pitched noise that overcame all other sounds around him, and all Enjolras could see through blurry vision was what seemed like hundreds of thousands of feet, jumping and stepping and ready to trample him. He meekly tried to crawl, but someone nearly stepped on his hand and Enjolras found there was a knot on his throat, preventing him from breathing or calling out for help. 

Then there were hands on him, a familiar voice trying to break through the high-pitch, and he thought he was being lifted by his armpits, Grantaire's worried face suddenly coming into focus. They were moving, someone dragging him away from the crowd and Enjolras could faintly feel every shaky breath be expelled through his mouth. 

The vibration beneath his feet diminished and there was a glass of water being gently pushed into his shaky hands, and as Enjolras swallowed it without a second thought, his senses slowly returning. When he had calmed down enough to open his eyes - when had he closed them? - Enjolras fluttered his eyelids open, staring up at a worried Grantaire and a confused Courfeyrac standing in front of him, both staring. He found he was sitting on a chair at the back of the night club, inside of what seemed to be the owner's private room. The loud sound of the music could still be heard faintly through the closed door, but Enjolras was grateful that it wasn’t as loud as before. 

"How are you feeling, Enj?" Grantaire asked, kneeling in front of his boyfriend so they could be in the same eye level and taking the glass from his shaky hands. 

"Better", Enjolras said, voice hoarse. "Thank you". 

"What happened?" Courfeyrac slurred, looking concerned and drunk. 

"I...", Enjolras started, swallowing dry and darting his eyes away from his friend. "Someone bumped into me and I fell. I c-couldn’t get up because... I think it was because of what happened in the protest. It felt like I was about to be trampled again, and I got overcome by fear and I couldn’t get up and –" 

"It's ok, Enj", Grantaire said, taking the man's hand and giving him a comforting smile. "You're safe now, ok? It's ok", his smile faltered and he lowered his head. "I'm sorry. I should have thought about this before dragging you into a dance floor crowded with people..." 

"It's not your fault", Enjolras reassured, finding it in himself to smile at his boyfriend. 

"Do you want another cup of water?" Grantaire asked, rubbing soothing circles on the back of Enjolras' hand. 

"That would actually be nice", Enjolras said, swallowing dry again and feeling his throat raspy. 

"Alright. I'm going to fetch you one, be right back", Grantaire said, standing up and bending over to steal a quick kiss from Enjolras' lips before leaving. He opened the door, but the noise from outside didn’t flood the room as Enjolras had expected. Instead, he saw a corridor that led to another door. Grantaire left it slightly ajar behind him. 

"You guys are really sweet", Courfeyrac commented, leaning on Enjolras' shoulder as if not to lose balance. He looked really drunk and had flushed cheeks. "I'm glad things turned out ok for you two". 

"I would have never imagined that we would get along this well from the way we always fought", Enjolras replied with a nostalgic smile, "Or that I would come to love him so much". 

"I know", Courfeyrac smiled, losing balance anyway and coming to lean on the wall behind him. "You really do love him, don't you?" 

"I do", Enjolras responded, staring at his own hands. "He makes me happy. And I make him happy, too. I'm glad I'm with him". 

"Well, then I suppose it's a good thing we made that stupid bet, or you would have never asked R out on that date", Courfeyrac chuckled. 

"Yes, I suppose", Enjolras chuckled back. 

The sound of a door creaking made Enjolras look up, finding Grantaire standing there, glass on his hand and a weird look on his face. 

Enjolras felt his muscles stiffen and could see Courfeyrac try – and fail – to stand up straighter through his peripheral vision. Grantaire's grip on the glass was so strong his knuckles went white. 

"Grantaire –", Enjolras started, voice shaking. 

"Bet?" Grantaire asked, but his voice sounded wrong. It sounded restrained, as if he was forcing it out. 

"You misunderstood everything", Enjolras said, raising his hands as if to stop Grantaire from talking, but it was of no avail. Grantaire's lips were shut tightly, forming a thin line. 

"Oh, please, do enlighten me", he said sarcastically, putting the glass of water on the table behind Enjolras. "Because, from what I got from this ' _misheard_ ' conversation, the only reason you ever asked me out was because someone _betted_ you to" 

"Grantaire, just listen to me", Enjolras said, standing up on shaky legs. This is what he had dreaded the most. He knew that Grantaire's self-esteem was low, he had always known what he would think if he ever found out about the bet. "Yes, Courfeyrac betted me to, but he only did it because he knew you liked me and he wanted us to be together". 

"Oh", Grantaire said, and Enjolras had expected he would throw his hands in the air like he always did when they argued, but Grantaire was unusually still. It felt wrong, to see him that still, his only movements being the rapid rise and fall of his chest and the eventual, well-hidden twich of his eyebrows. "That makes everything better". 

"Grantaire, please, just let me –" 

"I fucking knew there was a catch", he snorted, giving himself that self-loathing smile that Enjolras hated. "There had to be, right? There was no way you actually _wanted_ to date me; no, it _had_ to be a bet, hadn't it, Enjolras? _'Oh, I bet you can date_ _Grantaire_ _, he's head over heels for you, it will be a funny laugh to play with his fucking feelings just to see whether you can date him or not'_ ", Grantaire scowled, in a bad imitation of Courfeyrac's voice. 

"Grantaire, this isn't what happened, if you could only –", Courfeyrac tried to intervene, but Grantaire silenced him with a glare. 

"Don't you fucking speak to me", Grantaire growled, hurt and betrayal showing in his eyes. "You knew how I felt and you made _bets_ over my feelings". 

"This isn't how it went", Enjolras intervened. "I asked you out because of the bet, yes, but I fell in love with you overtime, R, I may have loathed you before but I –" 

"Oh, so you _loathed_ me before?" Grantaire scoffed again, looking incredulous. "Ah, alright then, that makes everything better. We're good now", sarcasm dripped from his voice. 

"Can you just be serious for once?!" Enjolras snapped, frustrated. 

"I'm fucking wild", Grantaire hissed, and the tension between the pair was so strong it was nearly tangible. Courfeyrac's eyes darted from one face to another, not knowing what to do. 

"I can't believe you did this to me", Grantaire finally whispered, voice breaking. "I can't believe you're that cruel. Please, tell me this bet thing isn't true, Enjolras". 

Enjolras bit his lower lip. He couldn’t say it wasn’t true, it was true. It was burried in the past, but it was true. He couldn't find it in himself to lie that blatantly on Grantaire's face. 

"It's true", Enjolras heard himself whisper. The way Grantaire's expression shifted from angry to shockingly crushed made Enjolras' heart skip a beat. "But I love you, R, I swear I do, please believe me". 

"How can I?" Grantaire asked, frowning in horror. "Everything you told me was a lie. I asked you why you asked me out, and you told me you liked me but I hadn't realized it because your face didn’t match your feelings for me. But you didn’t have any fucking feelings for me", there that was, that self-loathing smile again, but this time there were tears welling on Grantaire's eyes. Enjolras automatically reached out to brush them away, but Grantaire leaned away from his hand as if it was made of fire. Enjolras retrieved his hand, looking hurt and desperate. 

"But I love you", he whispered, voice breaking. "I may not have always loved you, but I do now. I love you more than I thought I ever could, isn't that what matters?" 

Grantaire tightened his jaw, one tear escaping his eye and running down his cheek. He quickly brushed it away, as if it had never fallen in the first place. Another tense silence followed, the only sounds in the room being the men's heavy breathing and the distant, faint sound of the music still playing outside. It felt like an eternity before Grantaire finally spoke, voice shaking and sounding chocked. 

"My favorite movie is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", another tear escaped his eye, but he didn’t bother to brush it away this time. "My favorite book is Love is a Dog From Hell. My favorite teletubbie is Laa-laa. My favorite season is autumn, my favorite musical is Moulin Rouge, my favorite animals are dogs, my favorite food is sushi and my favorite smell is yours", he took a harsh intake of breath. "You would know all these things, if you had bothered to ask. But you didn't. You never did. Because everything we ever had was a lie. Because you lied to my face, and then tricked yourself into thinking you had any scrap of feeling for me because you were to guilty too just back off. Because you never really loved me. You knew of my feelings for you and you used me. You never actually loved me, _Apollo_ ", he spat the words as if they were venom. "And I wish there was a way I could erase you from my fucking mind for good". 

Enjolras remembered the interaction he had with Grantaire when they first saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind. 

 _"I_ _just_ _don't_ _understand_ _why_ _anyone_ _would_ _want_ _to_ _erase_ _good_ _memories_ _of_ _their_ _loved_ _ones_ _._ _Even_ _if_ _they_ _hurt_ _them_ _,_ _why_ _would_ _they_ _want_ _to_ _get_ _rid_ _of_ _the_ _good_ _things_ _of_ _their_ _past_ _?_ _Isn't_ _this_ _the_ _sole_ _purpose_ _of_ _good_ _memories –_ _helping_ _you_ _cope_ _when_ _the_ _present_ _becomes_ _unbearable_ _?"_  

 _"I_ _suppose_ _that_ _,_ _sometimes_ _,_ _if_ _the_ _hurt_ _is_ _too_ _unbearable_ _, it_ _would_ _be_ _better_ _to_ _forget_ _about_ _the_ _person_ _who_ _caused_ _you_ _pain_ _altogether_ _than_ _to_ _remember_ _when_ _you_ _were_ _happy_ _knowing_ _that_ _won't_ _happen_ _again_ _._ _I do_ _believe_ _that_ _,_ _most_ _times,_ _love_ _hurts_ _more_ _than_ _it does_ _good_ _"._  

Before Enjolras could do anything to stop him, Grantaire turned on his heels and burst through the door, opening it with such harshness that it slammed against the wall behind it. When Enjolras' brain finally caught up with what had just happened, Grantaire was already gone, out of his sight. Courfeyrac held him in his arms when he fell back, shaky legs unnable to sustain him anymore. 

Combeferre burst into the room then, looking confused and concerned. 

"What happened?", he asked, seeing how Courfeyrac was cradling a pale Enjolras in his arms on the floor. "I just passed by Grantaire and he was crying, and he didn’t speak to me. What's going on? Enjolras? Are you ok?" 

Enjolras had broken down into a sobbing mess on the floor, heart wrenching sounds erupting from his throat as he cried uncontrollably on Courfeyrac's lap. He never wanted this to happen. A part of him whished he had broken up things with Grantaire when he first could, but his aching heart screamed that every single minute of happiness he had beside the man was worth the pain. He loved Grantaire, he really did. And even if his actions hurt the cynic, he didn't regret falling in love with him. What he did regret was that his selfish actions resulted on Grantaire hating him so much that he wanted to forget Enjolras. 

"H-he h-hates m-me", Enjolras sobbed, facing scrunching up, damp with tears. He rarely cried, and even more rarely in front of his friends.  

Courfeyrac sent Combeferre a warning look, silently telling him that he would explain what had happened later. Enjolras sobbed until he could no longer breathe, and then he sobbed more. 

It felt like, on that particular moment, sobbing was the only thing that made the hollow ache inside his chest more bearable. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this after having some personal problems so I'm sorry if it didn't turn out like you expected. It's possible that I edit it later, if you're not satisfied with the results.  
> I have a playlist for Grantaire on spotify; it has some of the musics mentioned on this chapter. If you want to listen to that, here's the link: https://open.spotify.com/user/12160622191/playlist/653GN7UoBTTJ4FPCicQ22l


	5. Chapter 5

Taking Enjolras back home was a herculean task, and getting him to sleep was even harder. The night was done by then, his own birthday party being the last of Courfeyrac's concerns. He obviously couldn’t leave the nightclub without raising awareness for Enjolras' situation – the leader had become an incoherent, sobbing mess and neither Courfeyrac nor Combeferre, Enjolras' closest friends, had ever seen them like that. Combeferre took the job of taking Enjolras back to his  apartment on his own hands, comforting Courfeyrac with a reassuring hug. 

"Don't worry, I will take him home. Enjoy the rest of your night, ok? I'll update you on his situation". 

"How can I not worry, Ferre?" Courfeyrac had whined. They had left Enjolras on the floor to have some privacy, not wanting him to listen to their conversation. He looked traumatized; sobs breaking themselves loudly from his chest, knees pulled up so he could hug them and rest his chin on the top of them. "Look at Enjolras. I've never seen him like this, I never thought he could... I never thought he could look so _broken_. This is all my fault, I should have never done that stupid bet". 

"We'll talk about this later, ok?" Combeferre squeezed his shoulder. "If you don't feel like staying on the party, just start suggesting that people should call it a night. Meet us at Enj's later, alright?" 

Courfeyrac sniffed, looking extremely guilty. He nodded, not looking at Combeferre. 

"Could you please go back there and distract people for a bit just so I can get Enjolras out without creating a fuss?", he asked, though he didn’t want to push Courfeyrac into doing anything while being as clearly distressed as he was. The man nodded, sparing Enjolras a last worried glance before exiting the room and clicking the door behind him. Combeferre then approached Enjolras on the floor and touched the man's shoulder. He seemed to sob louder at this, eyes shutting tight and face sinking to hide on the crook of his arms. 

"Enjolras", Combeferre called, tone gentle. He waited for Enjolras to do anything other than sob, but all the sounds that filled the room were his cries and the faint music from the nightclub. "Enjolras", he called again, and sighed when the man still didn’t respond. "I need to take you home, alright? Please, just stand up for a moment, I'll lead you out of here". 

Enjolras didn’t move an inch from the floor, but his sobs died down until they completely came to a stop. His hunched back was rising and falling with each shaky, unsteady breath that showed he was still fighting against tears. 

"I know you don’t want anyone to see you like this", Combeferre continued, hand now rubbing soothing circles on his best friend's back. His legs were starting to grow sore from his squatted position on the floor, but he couldn’t get up. Not before Enjolras agreed to get up with him. "You need to go home, take a hot cup of tea and talk about what happened, ok? Just let me help you". 

Enjolras didn’t move, face still hidden from Combeferre. 

"My friend, I do not judge you for crying", the guide finally added. "You know that neither me nor Courf would ever think ill of you for any of this. We love you, and we worry about you. Just let us help you. Let me get you home before someone else gets inside this room, alright? Can you do that?" 

Combeferre thought Enjolras would remain still, but then he slowly nodded at him, face rising from its hidden position but never meeting Combeferre's eyes. He allowed Combeferre to support him as he stood up, and the first thing the guide did as soon as Enjolras was steady on his feet was to pull him into a tight, breath-taking hug. 

"It's going to be ok", Combeferre whispered on Enjolras' ear. He could feel Enjolras shaking beneath him, chest trembling irregularly as he did his best to prevent the sobs from escaping. 

"It hurts", Enjolras whispered, restrained voice breaking. 

"I know", Combeferre reassured, still rubbing soothing circles on Enjolras' back. "Let me take you home, ok?" 

Enjolras nodded slowly, so subtly that had Combeferre not been hugging him, he wouldn’t have noticed it. He didn’t look at Enjolras face, knowing how embarrassed his friend must have been – Enjolras _hated_ crying in front of people, and in fact, Combeferre had only seen him cry once before in their years of friendship – and, taking his hand, lead Enjolras out of the nightclub's back room.  

The loud beat of the music increasingly filled their ears as they reentered the nightclub, going mostly unnoticed by its attenders, who were happily drinking and chatting over the loud, thumping music, too busy enjoying themselves to notice Enjolras, whose face was damp and red from crying, passing through. 

Courfeyrac was saying something on the microphone beside the DJ, which meant that no one saw when Combeferre and Enjolras left the club through the back door. As soon as the metal door closed behind them and the sound of the music was once more mostly cut off, Enjolras' knees buckled and he had to lean on the brick wall behind him to prevent himself from falling on the muddy floor. Combeferre immediately supported him, hands pining Enjolras' shoulders against the wall so that he could remain somewhat upright, but the gesture felt so familiar to how Grantaire would pine him against a wall that the leader couldn’t stop another loud, ugly sob from erupting from his chest. 

"Enjolras, what happened?" Combeferre asked, concerned about his friend. He had his own suspicions, but Enjolras needed to answer for himself. 

"He f-found out", Enjolras sobbed silently, sounding a bit more composed than before, head hanging low as the tears rolled down his rosy cheeks. "He f-found out about the b-bet. He t-thinks I don’t l-love him. He didn’t b-believe m-m-me. He... he wants to f-forget me". 

Combeferre eyed Enjolras sadly for a few seconds. He knew this whole bet story would end up on at least one of them being hurt. He should have stopped Enjolras from indulging into this when he could but... he didn’t know why he didn’t. Maybe seeing how Grantaire ached for Enjolras made Combeferre incapable of intervening as he should have, and the way that Enjolras reacted to their first and second date certainly didn’t help. Now they were both hurting. Because he didn’t do anything to prevent this. 

No. They needed to stop blaming themselves, all of them. Enjolras and Grantaire just needed sometime to cool down and then they would talk it off as rational adults, and everything would go back to normal. 

Combeferre was well aware of how much Enjolras had grown to love Grantaire. Surely he would find some way of showing the cynic that his feelings weren't a lie. 

"He doesn’t want to forget you, Enj, he's just hurt. He said that in the heat of the-" 

"Don't call me that", Enjolras interrupted, sudden harshness contrasting with his previous vulnerable softness. 

"What?" Combeferre asked, confused. 

"Don't call me 'Enj'", Enjolras explained, voice going back to shaky. "Only _he_ calls me Enj". 

Combeferre eyed Enjolras for a couple seconds before nodding with understanding. 

"Alright", he sighed, intertwining his arm with Enjolras'. "Let's get you home". 

The walk back to Enjolras' place was silent and tense. Combeferre was aware that Enjolras wanted to cry, but was stopping himself from doing so. Sometimes, the leader's arm stiffened and his breathing shallowed, tiny pained sounds escaping his lips when the urge to cry became too unbearable. Combeferre didn’t need to look at him to know that the tears hadn't stopped rolling down Enjolras' face. 

It was as if all the feelings Enjolras was trying to contain exploded their way out of his chest as soon as he stepped inside his apartment. He could no longer ignore the knot that had formed on his throat and a loud sob burst out, making Enjolras sound like a dying seagull. Enjolras was a beautiful man, but also an ugly crier. 

He fell to his knees before he could reach the couch, another sob wrecking through his body. Combeferre was immediately there, hoisting him up as if he didn't weight anything and half-carrying half-dragging him to the couch. They didn’t need to speak. Usually, when Enjolras got truly upset about something, he would call Combeferre in and then lie on the man's lap for hours, either ranting non-stop about whatever upset him or quietly staring straight ahead as Combeferre caressed his hair. Now, Enjolras didn’t think he would be able to rant even if he wanted to, eyelids dropping close as Combeferre soothed him with the gentleness of his hands. The tears never stopped dripping from Enjolras' eyes, ending up leaving little wet stains on the fabric of Combeferre's pants. 

Enjolras was a emotionally reserved man. He was aware that his face didn’t match his emotions, because he did his best for it not to. He didn’t think of emotion as a weakness, but he'd rather keep them to himself, instead of blatantly revealing them for no reason. Those who didn’t know him could think of Enjolras as a cold, detached man, but his friends knew better than that. Every single Ami knew how compassionate and caring Enjolras was, even if sometimes he pretended not to. Grantaire would often compare Enjolras to a marble statue because of his constant neutral expression, which made the lines of his face stand out in a sculpture-like way, but that didn’t mean that Enjolras' heart was made of stone, on the contrary. It was also common for Enjolras to express the intensity of his emotion through anger, which only made his current situation worse on Combeferre's eyes. 

He had never seen Enjolras this distressed. The only time he ever saw Enjolras cry was when his grandfather died, but even then, it hadn't been the incoherent sobbing that happened on the nightclub . His sobs had once more come to a stop but Combeferre could still see the large tears that either escaped his eyes to roll down his cheeks or nested themselves on Enjolras' blonde eyelashes. 

It felt like an eternity of silent caressing before Enjolras spoke up, voice shaky and hoarse. 

"Do you think he'll ever forgive me?" 

Combeferre bit his lower lip, looking at his friend. Enjolras was staring straight ahead. 

"Yes", he finally answered with honesty. "You just need to give him some time to lick his wounds. We know how R is, he must be really hurt about this", he ignored the way Enjolras flinched, "but I'm sure that if you explain your feelings for him he will understand and forgive you". 

Enjolras let a shaky breath out, closing his eyes against the headache that all that crying provoked. He hoped Combeferre was right. 

- 

"Hey, where's R?", Bossuet shouted over the loud music, leaning towards Joly so that the smaller man could hear him. They both continued dancing as they spoke, following the beat. 

"I don’t know", Joly shouted back. "The last I saw of him he was taking Enjolras to the back room to calm him down". 

Bossuet frowned, looking around trying to find Courfeyrac. The man had been close to them when Enjolras fell to the floor and followed Grantaire into the back room to help, coming out after several minutes and announcing something Joly didn’t exactly hear properly on the microphone. Then, he had vanished, and now he was nowhere to be seen. 

"Maybe we should look for them?" Bossuet suggested loudly, still leaning over Joly. "Enjolras could be in need of some medical attention?" 

Bossuet pretended he didn’t see the sparkle that appeared in Joly's eyes at the words "medical attention", waiting for the man to respond. Joly nodded, suddenly looking serious, and led his boyfriend away from the dance floor. They went to the backroom, hoping that the trio would still be there, but they found it empty.  

"That's odd", Joly frowned. "Why would they leave without telling us?" 

"I don’t know", Bossuet responded, pulling his phone out of his back pocket. "I'm gonna call R". 

They stood in silence at the back room, music echoing far away. Bossuet clicked his tongue and hung up, looking at Joly with concern. 

"He didn’t pick up. He probably didn’t hear it". 

"No, I don't like this", Joly shook his head. "I'm worried about Enjolras, if he was having a panic attack we should be there for him. We need to find Courfeyrac; he was here with them, maybe he knows where they went". 

The pair went back to the saloon, but just like with Enjolras and Grantaire, no one knew where the man was. Joly could feel, deep inside him, that there was something wrong. 

"Keep trying to call Grantaire", he told Bossuet, grabbing his cane and heading to the bathroom. It was the only place they hadn't searched yet. "I'll see if Courf is in the bathroom. If I don’t find him, we'll go to R's place just check if they're there. His house is nearer than Enjolras'". 

"Are you sure?" Bossuet hesitated. "I mean, they could have just... forgotten to tell us they were leaving. I would hate to arrive at R's place and, you know... _interrupt_ something", he raised an eyebrow, smiling. 

"No, something's wrong", Joly protested, scrunching up his nose. "I can tell. R wouldn’t leave without letting me know about E's state. Just try to call him again, I'll see if I can find Courf", he said, and then turned on his heels to head to the bathroom. 

The bathroom was dirty and the floor was wet, making Joly instantly suppress a wave of nausea that rose within him. He absolutely _hated_ bathrooms. 

"Hey", he called, tapping his cane slightly on one of the bathroom stalls to call attention. "Is there anyone here?" 

There was just silence for a moment, but then a loud sniff and the sound of retching. Joly entered the bathroom further, trying not to cringe at the wet sound his feet made with each step. He checked every stall until he finally reached the last one, finding a kneeling Courfeyrac leaning heavily on the edge of the toilet, vomiting. Joly clicked his tongue and placed his cane carefully against the wall, quickly limping towards the sink and damping a few pieces of paper. He then squatted with difficulty beside Courfeyrac on the little stall, leg aching, placing on of the wet paper towels on the nape of his neck and using the other to clean the corners of his mouth and chin. Courfeyrac eyes him with wet, miserable eyes before turning to retch again, Joly rubbing his back soothingly as he dry heaved. 

When Courfeyrac finally decided that he was done, Joly reached for his cane and stood up, offering a helping arm to his friend so he could stumble his way up from the floor, the knees of his brand new jaguar-printed pants ruined. There was something terribly wrong – Courfeyrac would never allow a gift he liked that much be this damaged out of drunkenness – but Joly waited for the man to finish cleansing his mouth with the running water from the sink before asking any questions. 

"How are you feeling?" Joly asked, offering Courfeyrac a sympathetic smile. 

"Like crap", Courfeyrac groaned, leaning heavily on the sink as he tried to even his breath. 

"What happened, Courf?" Joly continued, serious. "Where are Enjolras and Grantaire?" 

Courfeyrac let out a loud sigh, head hanging low and disheveled curls hiding his face from Joly. 

"They fought", he finally croaked, with a weird voice. Joly couldn’t remember ever hearing Courfeyrac sound so... guilty. And unhappy. He was supposed to be beaming with excitement, it was his birthday after all. Something inside Joly's chest tightened. 

"Fought?" Joly frowned. "What do you mean?" 

Courfeyrac let out a shaky breath raising his head towards the ceiling and blinking rapidly. 

"It was all my fault", Courfeyrac whispered, voice breaking. He looked like he was trying to hold back tears. "I decided to make that stupid fucking bet and now R hates me, Enjolras is hurt and everyone is unhappy just because I couldn’t help but to meddle into a business that wasn’t my concern". He raised one hand to wipe his own tears away, going back to leaning on the sink and breathing heavily. 

"I'm not following, Courf", Joly said, apprehension blatant in his voice. "What are you talking about? What bet?" 

Courfeyrac's whole body trembled, but he only broke when Joly placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. As soon as their skin touched, Courfeyrac let out a loud sob, and then the tears spilled freely from his eyes, face immediately becoming red. He still looked somewhat drunk, which was why Joly helped him sit down on the disgustingly dirty floor, slowly caressing his sweat-damp curls as he cried helplessly into his hand. 

"I made a bet with Enjolras on Marius' birthday", Courfeyrac sobbed, voice barely audible. "That's why he asked R out". 

Joly's stomach churned. 

"And now Grantaire found out and he yelled at Enjolras, and he told me not to speak to him, and he was so angry and hurt and I never wanted this to happen I was just trying to help", he looked up at Joly with teary, _pleading_  eyes. It was almost as if he was begging Joly to understand, to forgive him without judging his actions. Joly gaped at Courfeyrac, incredulous. 

"You made a bet", was all he could say, and Courfeyrac allowed his head to fall back with more force than necessary to lean against the wall behind him, looking straight ahead with glassy eyes. 

"I knew how much R loved Enjolras, I was just trying to get them together", he explained, but it sounded like he was trying to convince his own self of that. "I knew that if... if Enj got to know R, he would end up... he would... he would like him. I just wanted my friends to be _happy_ , I'm sorry Joly, I know I screwed up, I'm sorry-" 

"It's ok", Joly reassured, squeezing Courfeyrac's shoulder. He felt angry at Courfeyrac, but seeing how clearly guilty and bad the man felt about all that made Joly incapable of scolding him right then. "Courf, it's ok. You screwed up a bit, but everything will be just fine alright? Can you tell me where Grantaire went?" 

Courfeyrac shook his head miserably, swallowing a few times before answering. 

"I don't know. He just stormed out, then Combeferre told me to distract everyone so that he could take Enjolras home. He was crying a lot". 

Joly's lips shut into a thin line. He didn’t like the sound of that story. Too many things could go wrong, and he needed to find Grantaire immediately, for his friend needed him more than ever. He could only _imagine_ what Grantaire must be feeling, the hurt and disappointment and the self-loathing. Everyone knew Grantaire didn’t have the best of self-esteems. This would only make everything worse. 

He had been doing so fine. He quit drinking, smoked less, became more healthy and productive. He looked _happy_ with Enjolras. Joly always scolded him for depending so much on Enjolras to be happy, but it was to no avail. And now, thinking that Enjolras never truly loved him would drive Grantaire to the brink of his self-loathing. Joly feared for his friend. 

"Look, Courf, I need to find R before he does something stupid ok?", he said, tilting Courfeyrac's face up by the chin so he could look him in the eye. "I'll ask Lesgle to come stay with you, you're not doing so great either. I think you should end the party, ok? Just go home and sleep the alcohol off". 

"But Joly-", Courfeyrac whined, clinging to Joly's hand and looking up at him with begging eyes. He didn’t continue speaking, not knowing what to ask for.  

"I need to go find R, ok?", Joly said reassuringly. "Don't worry, you won't be alone, Lesgle will take you home. Just stay here". 

He released himself from Courfeyrac's grip and turned his back, exiting the bathroom. If he looked back, he wouldn’t be able to leave Courfeyrac crying on the bathroom alone. And Grantaire needed him right now. 

Joly found Bossuet waiting for him on the alley outside the back door, phone raised to his ear. He hung up as soon as he saw Joly and helped him down the two steps outside the door. 

"So? Did you find him?" Bossuet asked anxiously. 

"Yes", Joly sighed, shaking his head. "He's in a bad shape, I need you to stay with him and take him home after the party's over". 

"But what happened?" Bossuet frowned. "Where's R?" 

"He and Enjolras fought", Joly said, and that was enough to earn a harsh intake of breath from Bossuet. 

"Oh shit", he muttered, shaking his own head. "Why?" 

"Apparently the only reason Enjolras ever asked R out was because Courfeyrac betted him to", Joly explained, and a thousand emotions crossed Bossuet's face in only a couple seconds. 

"What the fuck?!" He exclaimed, but Joly raised a hand as if to calm him down. 

"I'm going to R's, ok? I want to check on him", Joly said. "But Courf can't be alone. I know, I'm angry too, but he's really sorry for all this, Lesgle, he really is. You can see it in his eyes. Just stay with him? For me?" 

Bossuet stared at Joly for a few more seconds before nodding, resigned. 

"Ok. But give me news on R as soon as you're with him, ok?" 

"Ok", Joly smiled halfheartedly, reaching to give Bossuet a quick kiss on the lips before turning on his heels and heading away from the alley. Usually, he wouldn’t indulge into such a long walk – Grantaire's apartment was near the nightclub but not _that_ near – especially after a night of dancing and exhorting his leg, but his best friend needed him and he needed to make sure he was ok. 

He truly hoped he was ok. 

- 

"I need to see him", Enjolras announced after minutes of silence, suddenly getting up from Combeferre's lap. He stumbled a bit on shaky feet, trying to get to his bedroom, and Combeferre followed him with a sigh. 

"You can't", was all Combeferre said, but Enjolras ignored him, wiping away the remaining tears on his face and taking his shirt off. 

"I need to", he explained while looking for a clean shirt to put on. "I can't just sit here and wait. I need to find him and apologize. I won't be able to sleep if I don't", he picked up a shirt – it was Grantaire's favorite – and put it on. "I need to let him know that I love him, I can't... I can't stand having him think that he's unloved. He needs to know". 

"Enjolras", Combeferre scolded, using his serious tone. "You can't show up like this on his apartment right now, you two need some time to cool down. I won't let you". 

"Good thing you're not my legal guardian, then", Enjolras said, passing Combeferre and exiting the bedroom. 

"Now you're just being cruel. I'm doing what's best for you", Combeferre followed him. "You know very well how it is like when you and Grantaire let your feelings speak louder. You might end up telling each other things you don't mean, and making things worse. Just wait until it's morning, please. I'll even go with you then, if you want". 

Enjolras lingered in front of the door way, keys in hand as he took Combeferre's words in consideration, back turned to his best friend. 

"Combeferre, I can-" Enjolras started, but cut himself off when his phone started buzzing. He rapidly pulled it out, irrationally hoping it was Grantaire calling, but his face fell when he saw it was Joly. 

"Hello?" Enjolras greeted, but frowned when Joly didn’t answer right away. "Joly?" 

"Enjolras", Joly finally said, voice hoarse and heavy. Enjolras' heart sunk. 

"What's wrong?" Enjolras asked, stomach churning in anticipation. 

"I... Look, I don't know why I'm calling you of all people", Joly said, swallowing dry. "But I need you to come to the hospital". 

Enjolras could feel the blood draining from his face and sinking to his stomach. His breathing increased with his heart rate. 

"Why?", he asked, voice sounding small to his own ears. He could feel Combeferre shuffling behind him. 

"It's Grantaire", Joly said, and it took all of Enjolras' willpower to keep the phone in his tight grip. Joly let out a shaky breath before continuing. "I went after him and found him on his apartment". 

"What...?" Enjolras asked, voice breaking, not wanting to ask what he feared. 

"Alcoholic coma", Joly explained, and he sounded exhausted. Another thing to add to Enjolras' list of guilt. "He was passed out drunk on a puddle of his own vomit when I got there. He's having his stomach pumped right now, but I thought you should know. You don't have to come if you don’t want to". 

Joly's last words sent a stab of pain through Enjolras' chest. It sounded as if he didn’t believe Enjolras would care enough to go check on Grantaire. 

Grantaire, who was having his stomach pumped on a hospital. Grantaire, who was hurting so badly he threw a month of sobriety on the trash. Grantaire, who thought he was unloved and decided to drink his sorrows away. 

All because of Enjolras. 

"I-I'm on m-my way", Enjolras forced his voice out. 

"Ok", Joly sighed, and then hung up. 

It felt like the air around Enjolras had been replaced by cotton, his movements sluggish and heavy. Putting his phone back in his pocket demanded more effort than he ever thought possible, and even Combeferre's hand reaching for him looked like it was in slow motion. It was as if time was slowly coming to a stop. 

"What happened?" He could see Combeferre's mouth form the words, but the sound didn’t reach Enjolras' ears through the high pitched whistle that had swallowed all his thoughts. Combeferre touched him, squeezing his shoulders tightly as if to call his attention, worried frown entering Enjolras' vision and speaking things Enjolras didn’t bother to understand. All he could think of was Grantaire, Grantaire hurt, Grantaire suffering, Grantaire crying, Grantaire drinking himself into oblivion alone because he thought Enjolras had lied to him about his love. 

There was a cup of water being pushed into his hands and he didn’t even remember drinking it, only giving the empty glass back to Combeferre. He was well aware that he must have looked shell-shocked, and that he must have been worrying Combeferre with his unresponsiveness, but there was a knot in his throat that prevented him from speaking and a tear in his heart that made everything too painful for him to bother focusing on anything else other than the pain. He raised a hand up to his chest and scrubbed it, as if trying to soothe the pain. 

When his thoughts finally became coherent enough for him to look at Combeferre, who was sitting beside him on the couch – oh, he was on the couch. He didn’t remember getting to the couch – he looked pale and hollow. He felt wrong for not crying, insensitive, but how could he be insensitive when everything hurt so much? He supposed that there weren't any tears left for him to cry. Combeferre was staring at him with concern. 

"R's in the hospital", Enjolras chocked out, taking in Combeferre's expression of shock with only half of his attention before turning back to staring straight ahead, thoughts of Grantaire invading his mind as the pain inside his ribcage grew more and more with each memory. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> forgive me,


	6. Chapter 6

Joly, Bossuet and Courfeyrac were already there when Enjolras and Combeferre arrived, sitting at the waiting room of the hospital in silence. Courfeyrac looked like a mess; his hair was completely disheveled as if he had pulled it back too many times, his face was pale and sweaty, his eyes were red and puffy as if he had cried and his lips were dry and chapped. The glitter covering his hair and face contrasted with the plain white walls of the hospital and with the redness of his eyes, making Courfeyrac look like a human contradiction. Enjolras absentmindedly noticed the way the knees of his brand new pants were stained with what seemed like mud, and couldn’t help but to think that that was a perfect metaphor for his relationship with Grantaire. Something that was new, loved and beautiful and was quickly ruined in the blink of an eye. 

Courfeyrac kept staring straight ahead at the white wall in front of it, still seeming somewhat drunk, as Combeferre announced their arrival. Joly and Bossuet looked up, and Enjolras lowered his head before he could meet their gaze. He didn’t know if, on the top of everything, he would be able to see the disappointment and anger in the eyes of his friends. He was already disappointed and angry enough at himself.  

"How is he?" Combeferre asked, sitting beside Joly, whose hand was unconsciously rubbing his own knee. Enjolras could feel Bossuet's eyes fixed on him, but didn’t turn his head to look as he sat beside Combeferre, away from the pair. 

"The doctors are still pumping his stomach", Joly explained with an exhausted voice. "He'll probably be kept overnight for observation and be released by the morning. I was told he's under no risk". 

An uneasy silence fell between the group, none of them wanting to talk about the obvious elephant in the room. 

"We'll need to be there for his recovery", Joly finally continued. "But I don’t think he should see Enjolras for some time". 

Enjolras' chest tightened even more inside his chest – how was that _possible_? - and he shifted uncomfortably on the plastic chair, finally raising Joly's eyes. He was right, the man was staring at him with disappointment, but he didn’t look _angry._ Just incredibly sad. 

"Joly, please", Enjolras found himself saying, though his voice sounded weak and hoarse to his own ears. He probably looked as much of a wreck as Courfeyrac did. "I need to see him, I need to tell him that –" 

"What?" Bossuet interrupted sharply. "That you took advantage of his feelings for you to win a bet? That you lied to him all this time? That the relationship you had was a lie?" 

Enjolras gaped at Bossuet for a few seconds, taken aback by the accusations that were thrown against him. 

"That I love him", Enjolras continued, voice barely above a whisper, but a scoff from Bossuet made his lower his head once more. Combeferre had never seen Enjolras look so resigned. 

"We shouldn’t argue, we're in a hospital", Combeferre intervened, sending Bossuet a warning look. "This whole situation is just a big misunderstanding. Yes, Enjolras and Courfeyrac made a bet and that was wrong of them. They acknowledged their mistake and know that it was terribly wrong of them to do a bet over someone else's feelings. But Enjolras did fall in love with Grantaire, and developed feelings for him. Maybe the circumstances of the beginning of the relationship weren't the best, but they love each other. You can't keep Enjolras for at least apologizing to him and explaining what happened". 

Joly bit his lower lip, and he looked like he was fighting against tears. When he spoke, his voice sounded restrained. 

"I have known Grantaire for years. He is my best friend. And he's been drinking from the first day I met him, but it got way worse after he met _him_ ", he nodded at Enjolras, who flinched slightly. "He loves Enjolras, he really does. In fact, I've never seen anyone love other person as much as he loves Enjolras. But his love for him is not healthy. Look at what just happened. Do you have any idea of what would have happened if I hadn't found him tonight? If I hadn't gone after him?" He was talking directly to Enjolras now, looking at him behind Combeferre's shoulder. 

"Joly", Combeferre warned, voice serious, but the man continued. 

"He would have died, Enjolras. He would be dead by now, and not because of your fight or your lie, but because he _loves_ you. He's never been happy with himself but I've never seen him as happy as he was with you. When he quit drinking, it was for you. When he smoked less, it was for you. When he started taking care of himself, it was for you. And he can't keep going like that. He needs to learn how to do those things for _himself_ , and not for someone else. He needs to learn how to live _without_ you, without breaking into some _suicidal rampage_ on the first time you break his heart", his voice broke at the last words. Joly looked desperately worried. 

Enjolras' eyes widened at the words, looking up at Joly with dread. 

"Do... Do you think he was trying to...?" 

"Hell no", Bossuet said, rubbing Joly's back soothingly as the small doctor bent forward, elbows leaning on his knees and hands holding his head. He didn’t look as angry as when Enjolras first arrived, but still seemed upset. "But he was heartbroken enough not to care if that happened. He threw away a month of sobriety and almost got himself killed because _you_ were the only reason he stopped, and you hurt him. That's why we're saying he needs to do that for himself, and not for you". 

"You can't see him", Joly muttered, head still supported by his hands without turning to look at Enjolras. His voice sounded constricted. "Not until he's fully recovered". 

"But, Joly –", Enjolras tried to protest weakly. 

"No, Enjolras", Joly interrupted, looking up at the leader with tear filled eyes. "I won't let you. I can't have this happen again, he needs help. He needs... he needs to learn how to live without you. You know I love and admire you, Enjolras, but R... R is my friend and you hurt him badly. I won't have you near him for a while, he needs to get better". 

"Please", Enjolras said, voice breaking. He never begged to anyone. He could feel the heat rising to his cheeks, tears already pooling on his eyes. He felt vulnerable and humiliated, but those feelings could never overcome the need, the dire necessity he had to see Grantaire, to tell him how sorry he was. "I understand, Joly, but just let me tell him how sorry I am. Please. Just let me apologize to him, to let him know that my love for him is real, just let me _look_ at him". 

"Enjolras, I think we should go", Combeferre suggested, holding Enjolras' hand and squeezing it. Enjolras stood up from the chair, aggressively yanking his hand away from Combeferre's. 

"I need him to know", Enjolras said, voice hoarse. He was aware he must have looked like an angry, mad man, but he couldn’t care less. He needed Joly to _understand_. "He needs to know I love him. I have to tell him, he has to know!" 

Combeferre had gotten up too, placing both hands on Enjolras' shoulders as if to calm him down. On the front desk, two nurses were glaring at them. 

Joly didn’t say anything, merely staring at Enjolras with an unreadable expression. The sudden fuss seemed to have called Courfeyrac's attention, who was now drunkenly staring up at the pair with glassy eyes. 

"Enjolras", Combeferre was calling him, unsuccessfully trying to make Enjolras sit back down. Enjolras was fighting against Combeferre's grip on his shoulders, trying to look directly at Joly. 

"Joly, please, you can't keep me from seeing him, I love him", Enjolras was shouting now, and Combeferre started pushing the leader away from the trio. "I love him! He needs to know that! I need to tell him!" 

"That's not fucking enough, Enjolras!" Joly burst, standing up and leaning part of his weight against the wall, cane nowhere to be seen. "Your love can't heal all the bad things in the world. Grantaire needs to learn how to feel whole without it, even if that means he won't see you ever again!" 

All fight left Enjolras in the blink of an eye, Combeferre's grip on him being the only thing that kept him from falling to his knees. He looked shell-shocked, gaping at Joly with wide eyes. Combeferre had never seen him that afraid, or that out of control. Enjolras, the usually well-compose, rational man, looked as a reckless, desperate version of himself. 

The faint remembrance of a conversation echoed on the back of Enjolras' mind. 

  _"_ _Your_ _entire_ _argument_ _is_ _based_ _on_ _the_ _assumption_ _that_ _love_ _is_ _a_ _good_ _,_ _miraculous_ _thing_ _that_ _heals_ _all_ _bad_ _in_ _the_ _world_ _and_ _consists_ _only_ _of_ _good_ _,_ _happy_ _things_ _._ _It_ _isn't_ _"._  

_"It_ _isn't_ _?"_  

_"No._ _Sure_ _,_ _love_ _is_ _great_ _._ _Most_ _times,_ _it's_ _beautiful_ _._ _But_ _love_ _can_ _also_ _be_ _ugly_ _. People_ _can_ _do_ _terrible_ _things_ _because_ _of_ _it,_ _and_ _they_ _..._ _they_ _can_ _become_ _terrible_ _things_ _because_ _of_ _it. I do_ _believe_ _that_ _,_ _most_ _times,_ _love_ _hurts_ _more_ _than_ _it does_ _good_ _"._  

A mix of feelings erupted inside Enjolras' chest in a way that gave him the strength to get back to his feet but also made him confused as to what he should do. His love wasn’t enough to make Grantaire happy. How could he possibly live with that? 

He remembered how happy everyone told him Grantaire looked like whenever they were together. He remembered how Grantaire's smile came easily when he was with Enjolras, how much healthier he looked. Joly was right; Grantaire needed to learn how to love and look after himself without depending completely on Enjolras' approval for him. The weight Enjolras' words had on Grantaire was something that had always bothered the leader. 

But still, he had undeniably helped Grantaire to get better. He got healthier and happier because of Enjolras' company. To deprive him of that on this difficult moment would probably do him more harm than good. And Enjolras couldn’t have that. He couldn’t have Grantaire suffering even more because of him. 

Plus, Enjolras wasn’t one to easily give up. 

"No", Enjolras whispered after what felt like an eternity, standing up straight beside Combeferre, hands tightening into fists. "No, I won't have this. I won't leave Grantaire alone when he needs me the most. I won't... I won't abandon him during his recovery. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I did that?" 

"Well, you tell me", Bossuet got up too, one hand at Joly's shoulder. "What kind of boyfriend asks someone out over a bet?" 

"I know that was wrong!" Enjolras snapped, anger growing further and further within him. It was almost as if his body was trying to compact all the foreign feelings inside him into one he was familiar with. "I know I shouldn’t have done that, but I fell in love with him! You can't blame me for that, you can't expect me to simply _ignore_ the feelings I have for him and stay away!" 

A nurse was suddenly beside him, a hand on his shoulder and a glare in her eyes. 

"Sir, please stop shouting, this is a hospital –" 

"You're so fucking selfish!" Bossuet burst, despite of Joly's and Courfeyrac's hands trying to pull him back. "R is lying on a _hospital bed_ because you were _selfish_ from the very beginning of this relationship, and all you can think about is how _you_ will be affected by keeping away from him!"  

"I can help him get better!" Enjolras protested, Combeferre whispering something that went unheard on his ear as he tried to pull him back. "I've done it before! I can help him, you can't just keep me from seeing him –" 

"If it's up to me you'll never see him again, you selfish cunt –" 

"You can't keep me from seeing him, I love him, I need him as much as he needs me –" 

"Oh, really? But you're not the one who almost drank themselves to death –" 

"You're not legally responsible for him and he's a free human being with his own free will, if he wants to see me he will –" 

"Why? So you can smash his heart to pieces again?" 

"I didn’t mean to hurt him –" 

"But you did –" 

"Take them away from here!" The nurse shouted, and suddenly there were four security guards restraining them, dragging both Enjolras and Bossuet through the hospital hallway and away from the horrified eyes of Joly, Combeferre and Courfeyrac. 

"No, get off me!", Enjolras protested, attempting to free himself from the security's arms to no avail. "No, I have to see him, let me go! Grantaire! Grantaire!" 

The four men threw Enjolras and Bossuet out of the hospital with more harshness than necessary, two of them lingering by the front door to keep them from reentering again. 

"This is a hospital, son", one of the guards told Enjolras when he uselessly tried to go through the door, colliding harshly against the man's chest. "And you two were screaming and shouting on a hospital in the middle of the night. Patients are sleeping and recovering, whatever subject you two have to discuss you need to do it away from here". 

"But I have to see him –", Enjolras protested, uselessly trying to push the large man away from the door. 

"Enjolras, let's go", Bossuet sighed with annoyance beside him, pulling him by the arm. 

"No, I've got to –" 

"Let's go!" Bossuet insisted with vehemence, pulling the leader away. Enjolras sent the security guard a glare – though he was aware that the man wasn’t wrong for kicking him out; he had disturbed the peace after all – and followed Bossuet to his car that was parked nearby. 

They walked in silence to the vehicle, both still internally fuming with anger. Enjolras threw his hair back with one hand several times, boiling feeling in his chest slowly fading with each step towards the car. When they finally reached it, Bossuet unlocked the door and entered the vehicle, leaving Enjolras standing beside the car with confusion, staring at it.  

The car's window was slowly lowered, revealing an equally confused Bossuet. 

"Well, what are you waiting for? Get in", he said, frowning at Enjolras. 

"What?" Enjolras mimicked the frown. 

"I'm not going to leave you standing alone on a cold parking lot in the middle of the night, Enjolras", Bossuet rolled his eyes. "I'm going to give you a ride home. Get in". 

Enjolras hesitated for a few more seconds of confusion before going around the car and opening the door to the passenger's seat. He awkwardly sat on it, the noise the door made as it was closed sounding way louder than it should have on the silent car. 

Enjolras' phone buzzed with a text and he opened it, seeing it was from Combeferre. 

**F** **rom:** **Combeferre** **(03:47) Where are you? Do you want me to go home with you?**  

**T** **o:** **Combeferre** **(03:47) No. Bossuet is taking me home. I think it's better if you stay in the hospital and give me news on R?**  

**F** **rom:** **Combeferre** **(03:48) Alright. Be safe,** **Enjolras** **. I'll stop by your place** **in the morning.**  

**To:** **Combeferre** **(03:48) Alright. Thanks** **Ferre** **.**  

He put the phone away, the awkward silence filling the car becoming to unbearable. 

"I didn’t mean to scream at you", Bossuet finally muttered as he drove. "Sorry". 

"I'm sorry too", Enjolras said after a few hesitant seconds. "For everything". 

Bossuet nodded, not taking his eyes from the road ahead. Awkward silence filled the car once more. 

"I never meant to hurt R", Enjolras whispered after what felt like an eternity. "I love him. I really do". 

Bossuet's lips formed a thin line. 

"Yeah, I know you do. But that doesn’t make the fact that you hurt him any better, Enjolras. He's gonna need some time". 

Enjolras turned his head to stare out of the window, forehead leaning against the cold glass. 

"He needs time to recover. If he really wants to stop drinking, it won't happen overnight. We can't have him going back to the bottle every time you two fight. He needs to do that because he wants to, not just because you love him". 

Enjolras swallowed dry, taking in Bossuet's words. 

"I understand", he forced the words out, a stab of pain going through his heart. 

"I'm glad you do", Bossuet said, and then there was silence again. 

The rest of the ride to Enjolras' place was silent to the point Enjolras got lost in his own thoughts. He found himself to be dozing off by the time Bossuet stopped in front of his building. 

"Thank you for the ride", Enjolras said politely, voice sounding hollow to his own ears. He closed the door mechanically behind him, not daring to look Bossuet in the eyes, and everything he did from then on felt like his brain was put into autopilot. When he finally became aware of his surroundings, he was inside his shower, fully clothed, staring straight ahead at the bathroom wall as hot water fell on his head and shoulders. 

He allowed himself to sob freely then, slowly sliding down the wall until he was in a sitting position, then hugging his knees to his chest and ignoring the wet clothes clinging to his skin as he remembered the first time he and Grantaire touched each other, there on that very bathroom, in what seemed to be an eternity ago. Everything was so different then, on that precious moment when Enjolras realized that he was in love. Now, everything was broken and ruined, and the sweet memories weren't strong enough to take away the throbbing pain inside his chest as he sobbed, eyes shut tightly and hot water from the shower mixing with his tears, making them disappear into oblivion. 

- 

He didn’t sleep that night. Instead, he wrote to Grantaire. 

He wasn’t sure how Joly would react when Enjolras sent the message, or even if he would send it at all. But if there was one thing Enjolras was good at, it was writing, and there were too many things stuck in his chest for him to sit idly. If leaving Grantaire for a while was what took to make the man better and healthier, then Enjolras would do it. But he couldn’t leave his apologies and explanations unattended for that long. He needed Grantaire to _know_. 

That's how he find himself writing, fingers tapping the screen of his cellphone rapidly as he allowed his thoughts to flow and transform into words. 

_I_ _know you probably don’t want to talk, speak of or even think of me on this moment, but please, I need you to listen to me for once. Just read this. I don’t expect an answer or not even your forgiveness, I just want to have the opportunity to explain to you why what happened,_ _happened_ _._  

_F_ _irstly, I wanted to ask you to please not be mad at_ _Courf_ _. We were both drunk when we made the bet - I know it doesn’t justify it – and he had the best of intentions when he did so. You know him, he can't stand seeing his friends unhappy, and he just wanted to help you, he was just dumb about it. Plus, I know I should have never accepted it. It was insensitive of me to play with your feelings like that, aware of them as I were, but I only took the bet because I didn’t think he would win. This is probably making the situation even worse, I know, but I decided I will no longer lie or hide things from you. The least you deserve from me is my honesty._  

_I_ _didn’t want to ask you out because of the bet, but I am a man of my word. I had planned to break up with you after the first date, but since I am a_ _bloody_ _coward, I couldn’t. I felt terribly guilty for lying to you like that, but... but I just couldn’t. I kept telling myself: "just one more date, and then I'll end things with him", but as time passed and we hung out more, I found myself attracted to you. Because you're amazing, R, please believe me when I tell you that. Surely, your_ _intelligence bears obnoxiousness some times, but we had never hung out outside meetings before that. I think that it was pretty unfair that I only got to see how amazing you are because of a bet._  

_I_ _wish things between us had happened under different circumstances. I found myself more and more needy of you as time passed, and over the course of what, a week? Over the course of a week I had completely forgotten about the bet and was already on the way of falling in love with you. Even though we disagree on many subjects and have this tendency of screaming at each other, I developed feelings for you. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, and I knew I wanted to try it out anyway._  

_T_ _hen I fell in love with you. I hadn't planned it, I could have never foreseen it to be able to plan it. But I did. And I don’t regret it. I'll never regret loving you,_ _Grantaire_ _, even if you never want to see me again. You may think that love is an ugly, hurtful thing that does more harm than good, but it did me more good, R. It changed me for better. It made me more human. Loving you made me feel things I never thought I could, trying things I never thought I would, it made me live. I can never be grateful enough for that. I will never be able to_ _thank you enough, and I will never be able to show you how deeply, unfathomably sorry I am for hurting you so badly._  

_I_ _know what you must have thought. I remember what you told me. But my love for you was never a lie. I may have lied to you in the beginning, but I never lied about loving you. I wouldn’t have told you the words unless I meant them, you know that. As much as you think I am marble, I am made of flesh and bone, and I would never be so blatantly cruel to the point of lying to you about my love. It is something I have never shared and don’t plan to share_ _with anyone but you. Even if you won't forgive me or have me back, that will still be true. My love will always be yours._  

_O_ _nce again, forgive me for breaking your heart and hurting you so badly. I don’t deserve you or your forgiveness after what I've done, I can only hope for it. I've always been good at hoping,_ _haven't_ _I?_  

_J_ _ust know that there is someone out there who loves you, and who thinks that you are worthy of love. And even if I regret how things turned out for us, and regret hurting you, I don't regret making that bet, even if it was stupid of me. Because if it wasn’t for that stupid bet, I would have never gotten to know you as you are, and I wouldn’t have fallen in love with the most wonderful man I have ever met in my entire life._  

_F_ _orever yours,_  

_E_ _njolras_  

Enjolras' thumb hovered above the screen, hesitating. 

He didn’t hit send. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if Bossuet and Joly fighting Enjolras was too OOC. I just like to imagine them as two mama bears who are ready to kick some ass if anyone hurts their best friend. Even if it's Enjolras. eeh.


	7. Chapter 7

Combeferre did go to Enjolras' place by the morning, as promised. He found his friend sitting on his bed, knees bended in front of his body so that he could lean a notebook on them. His eyes were red and puffy with dark circles under it, and his head was disheveled and frizzy. On the floor in front of the bed, a pile of damp clothes lay. 

"Hi", Combeferre greeted, knocking on the door slightly when he realized was too deep in thought to notice his presence. The blonde looked up, confused, eyes blinking sluggishly as they focused on Combeferre. They stared at each other for a few seconds, Combeferre in worry and Enjolras in confusion, until the latter's eyes suddenly widened and he jolted on the bed, notebook falling forgotten beside him as he got to his feet too quickly. Enjolras stumbled, having to lean on the commode beside the bed not to fall. Combeferre started towards him, hand beneath his elbow to support him. 

"How is he? How is R?" Enjolras asked, looking at Combeferre with expectation. 

Combeferre took in a deep sigh and helped Enjolras sit back on the bed. 

"He's fine", Combeferre told him. "He hasn’t woken up yet but will be released as soon as he does and the doctors check if he's good to go". 

Enjolras nodded, biting his lower lip. 

"And then what?", he asked, not looking at Combeferre. 

Half a minute passed before Combeferre answered. 

"They're going to convince him to join the AA", he said, pausing as if waiting for Enjolras to protest. When he didn’t, he continued. "But I told them I don’t think he'll be able to". 

"Why so?" Enjolras asked, staring at his own hands. 

"Because the only higher power Grantaire's ever believed in is you", Combeferre explained in a resigned tone. "Whether we all like it or not". 

Enjolras bit his lip again, feeling heat rise to his face. 

"It shouldn’t be", Enjolras whispered, voice constricted. 

"It shouldn’t", Combeferre agreed, getting to his feet with a sigh and walking around the bed until he was on the opposite of Enjolras' side. "I need to take a nap, I barely slept through the night. Do you mind?" He pointed at the bed with absentmindedness as he removed his jacket. 

"You know you don't need to ask", Enjolras sighed, removing the forgotten notebook so that Combeferre could lie down. He put the notebook on his nightstand and then climbed on the bed beside Combeferre, the two friends lying down side by side and staring at the ceiling of Enjolras' bedroom. 

"So what is he going to do?" Enjolras asked after a few moments of peacefull silence. Combeferre, despite looking exhausted, was wide awake. 

"If he refuses to go to the AA, Joly is going to take him to rehab". 

Enjolras actually scoffed at this. 

"Do they even know him at all?", he scorned. 

"They know him better than most", Combeferre shrugged. "And they know that the help Grantaire needs is beyond us". 

"He won't _want_ to", Enjolras sighed. "Plus, he got ridden of his addiction quite well on the first time without going to rehab". 

"He clearly didn’t", Combeferre shrugged, and Enjolras found himself speechless. He shut his lips tight, letting a long breath out through his nose. 

"I just can't stand the thought of leaving him alone through all this. I want to be there for him and support him", Enjolras said after what felt like an eternity of silence. 

"I know you do, my friend", Combeferre said patiently. "But Grantaire needs sometime for himself". 

"This isn't fair", Enjolras frowned, well aware that he sounded like a stubborn child. "No one is even bothering to ask Grantaire what _he_ wants. What if he doesn’t want to go to rehab or AA? He should be the one to choose that, not Joly of Bossuet". 

"You are right. But he also should be the one who decides whether he wants to see you or not, no matter how much you miss him, my friend", Combeferre retorted. 

Enjolras went silent at this, lips shutting tightly to form a thin line. He didn’t know what to say or what to do, concentrating on his breathing and on the scattered flock of dust hovering beneath the ceiling, illuminated by a stripe of light coming from the window. 

"Enjolras, I know you're aching too", Combeferre said after a long time of breathing and staring at the ceiling. They were lying side by side on Enjolras' twin sized bed, arms glued to each other's. "But you must be comprehensive and respect Grantaire's boundaries, give him whatever time he needs until he's ready to talk to you again". 

"But what if he never wants to talk to me again?" Enjolras asked, voice barely above a whisper. 

"Of course he'll want to talk to you again", Combeferre said reassuringly, turning on his side and propping himself up on the bed by the elbow, so that he could look straight at Enjolras' face. "Just give him some time. Don’t pressure him, or you might end up making things even worse". 

"But he said he wanted to forget about me", Enjolras practically whined, daring to meet Combeferre's eyes and allow his friend to read the pain in them. "I've hurt him so bad, he wants to erase me from his memories". 

"He didn’t mean it, Enj", Combeferre said, giving him a sad smile, and Enjolras cringed at how the nickname sounded wrong on another man's lips. 

"I just want to apologize to him, then I'll leave him alone", Enjolras explained, though he didn’t know why he felt the need to explain it to anyone. Maybe because Combeferre was his closest friend, and transmitted a sense of easiness to those around him. 

"What do you have in mind?" Combeferre asked, curious. 

"I wrote him a text. I didn’t send it yet, but I plan to do so soon, so that at least he can know how sorry I am about all this". 

Combeferre hummed lowly, going back to his lying position beside Enjolras. 

"I think you should do that, yes", he said, not looking at Enjolras. "But maybe you should wait until tomorrow. He'll be leaving the hospital today, and he'll probably be exhausted and still upset. Things never work out for you two when you decide to do things with a hot head". 

Enjolras took Combeferre's words in consideration, worrying his lower lip as he thought. 

"You're right", Enjolras nodded. 

"Just know that I'm here for you, ok?" Combeferre said, taking Enjolras' hand and caressing the back of it. "No matter what happens. I'm here for you". 

Enjolras let out a shaky breath at this, turning on his side and throwing his arm across Combeferre's torso, snuggling him. Combeferre raised his hand so that he could caress Enjolras' curls, as the leader settled into a more comfortable position with his head leaning against Combeferre's chest. 

"I never though that I would love someone this much", Enjolras whispered. 

"I know", Combeferre reassured. 

"I also never thought that love could _hurt_ this much", Enjolras continued. Combeferre remained silent. 

They both were very sleepy after such a troublesome night, but neither could find it in themselves to fall asleep, eyes wide open as they got lost in their thoughts. 

"How is Courf?" Enjolras asked after minutes of peaceful silence. 

"Sleeping on your couch", Combeferre said. "He didn’t sleep the whole night. He feels terribly guilty for what happened. He dropped on the couch as soon as we got here and fell instantly asleep". 

"I feel bad that this had to happen on his birthday", Enjolras sighed. 

"Me too", Combeferre nodded. 

Enjolras took in a deep breath, trying to allow his muscles to relax. He needed some sleep, but his mind refused to stop racing and flooding his thoughts with memories of Grantaire. Even as Combeferre's breathing beneath him evened out when the man fell asleep, Enjolras remained wide awake, heart beating too fast with grief for him to sleep. 

His eyes only closed when his body could no longer take the exhaustion, and then Enjolras fell into an uneasy, dreamless sleep. 

- 

On the next morning, after another night of restless sleep, Enjolras had to go to work. Everyone in the office stared at him as he arrived, clothes more disheveled than usual and dark circles under his reddish eyes. 

Lamarque told him to take the rest of the day off and only come back when he was recovered. Enjolras complied without too much resistence, too tired to put up a fight. 

He told himself he wasn’t disappointed when he left the building and found that Grantaire was nowhere to be seen. The cynic had grown used to pick Enjolras up at work for lunch on the month they had been together, and even if Enjolras knew that Grantaire wouldn’t be there now, a deep stubborn part of him still hoped that he somehow would. 

He wasn’t. 

Enjolras went home and lied on the couch instead of the bed. He held his phone to his chest, hoping that it would buzz but knowing that it wouldn’t. He unlocked the screen and opened the conversation with Grantaire, seeing his unsent message was still there, waiting. Instead, Enjolras scrolled up the screen, re-reading the conversations he had with Grantaire before the whole fight happened and smiling with sadness at the screen. 

Combeferre had told him to send the message to Grantaire. But Enjolras didn’t know how Grantaire would react. He didn’t even know how Grantaire was _doing_. He re-read his message over and over, thumb hovering above the send button but never pressing it. He needed Grantaire to know how sorry he was. But he also remembered Joly's words of rare anger, the doctor's voice echoing inside his head. 

_Your_ _love_ _can't_ _heal_ _all_ _the_ _bad_ _things_ _in_ _the_ _world._ _Grantaire_ _needs_ _to_ _learn_ _how_ _to_ _feel_ _whole_ _without_ _it,_ _even_ _if_ _that_ _means_ _he_ _won't_ _see_ _you_ _ever_ _again_ _._  

Could he stand it? Could he stand not seeing Grantaire ever again? Never hearing his husky voice, never touching his curly hair, never caressing his warm skin, never kissing his chapped lips? Enjolras hadn't been aware of how much he needed and missed those things until he lost them. 

Could he really ruin Grantaire's recovery once more because he couldn’t keep himself from sending a text message? 

Maybe he really was selfish. He kept thinking of how he felt instead of how Grantaire felt, and his selfishness is what put him in this entire mess in the first place. If Enjolras had taken Grantaire's feelings into consideration at least once,  neither of them would be aching so much right now. 

He locked the screen and put the phone away, taking a sleeping pill from the bathroom cabinet so that he could finally get some rest. 

- 

Lamarque eyed him with suspicion when he arrived to work on the following morning, eyes still surrounded by dark shadows but apparently less sleep deprived than before. He didn’t say anything as Enjolras sat down and started typing on his computer. 

The leader didn’t realize that he hadn't eaten anything since Courfeyrac's party, and only when his stomach churned painfully and a wave of dizziness overcame him he gave into his natural urges and went to grab something to eat.  

He ignored Grantaire's absence on his usual spot beside the building when he left for his lunch break and walked down the street, wandering aimlessly as he looked for some place to eat. His feet subconsciously took him across a familiar path and he found himself standing in front of Josie's tavern, staring blankly at the door. The woman waved happily at him from the inside – they had grown closer – but Enjolras didn’t dare to enter. He waved with a forced smile and turned on his heels, feeling his cheeks burn. He stopped by a fast food near his work building, and ate something tasteless and oily that at least filled his stomach. 

He didn’t send Grantaire the text. 

Later that night, Enjolras went to the Musain for the usual Les Amis meeting, finding his friends – except Grantaire – already there and waiting for him. He didn’t know how much Joly had told them about what happened, but no one greeted Enjolras with the animosity he had expected, giving him only sad, disappointed looks instead. 

Somehow, that hurt more. 

He delivered the programmed speech with only half of his attention, head turning hopefully to the door every time someone entered the café and face falling in disappointment every time he saw that the person wasn't Grantaire. His discourse had grown confusing and hollow by the end of it, Enjolras sighing with frustration before declaring the meeting was ended. He could see all the pitying looks being sent to him, and turned on his back so he wouldn't have to face his friends. 

He felt like crying but there were no tears left. He grabbed his notebooks and backpack and left through the backdoor, ignoring Combeferre's calls behind him. 

This time, he didn’t need to take a pill to fall asleep, the weight of grief being enough to send him to Morpheus' arms as soon as he dropped on the bed. He did wake up earlier than he was used to and, having nothing better to do, decided to start working on another speech that would be better and more concise than the last one. Maybe that way he could erase his embarrassment. 

- 

Sometimes, Enjolras would grab one of the many books Grantaire had leant to him and slowly allow his fingers to brush the silly annotations on the edge of the pages, a sad, nostalgic smile appearing on his face. Touching the long dried ink gave him a comforting feeling, as if he was still somehow close to Grantaire despite of the infinite distance that was put between them. 

- 

Enjolras fell in a routine. 

He would wake up, write speeches, read articles, go to work, grab lunch, go back to work, only leave the office when Lamarque kicked him out and go home. On meeting days, he would arrive at the Musain early and keep writing while he waited for his friends to arrive, and when he got home, he would write more. Anything to keep his brain busy, because if it was busy he wouldn’t have time to think of Grantaire, and if he didn’t think of Grantaire neither of them would be hurt. 

That was a lie, of course. Enjolras was hurt anyway. But this way he wasn’t hurting Grantaire. He was giving the man the time he needed to recover, and that was the least Enjolras could do after everything. 

He didn’t understand how a relationship that was so short lived could have such an effect in his life. Enjolras loved Grantaire for little more than one month, which was nothing compared to all the years they knew each other, but still, his life seemed duller without Grantaire. What was the meaning of going to work if Grantaire wasn’t there to pick him up? What was the meaning of waking up in the morning if he wouldn’t be able to talk to Grantaire? What was the meaning of going to meetings if Grantaire wouldn’t be there to interrupt him every other argument? Enjolras was aware of the small pauses he still made between phrases, so used to Grantaire's regular interruptions that he subconsciously waited for a bickering comment or a sarcastic snort whenever he delivered an argument. Grantaire, of course, wasn’t there to retort, which left Enjolras staring with sadness at the cynic's usual spot and taking a few seconds to return to his line of thought. 

The truth was that Enjolras had always had that problem when it came to love. He loved things too deeply. He either despised things or loved them, with no between. And when he fell in love with Grantaire, he did it quickly, filled with a burning passion that wouldn’t easily die out. 

One day, lying on his bed in the morning, Enjolras started to laugh hysterically. He was alone and his house was empty, which made the sound of his laughs echo on the apartment. He was so stupid. He could remember a time, a time that felt like years ago, when he had promised himself that he would not let his love for Grantaire get in the way of his dedication for the cause. But now, ironically, the cause seemed to be the last worry inside Enjolras head. 

He never thought this could happen, and Enjolras' laughs started to die down and turn into sobs. What was happening to him? He had one goal in life ever since he was a child – to make the world better and fairer. He promised himself he would never allow anything to deviate him from that goal, that he would never falter. And now there he was, finishing meetings earlier and delivering empty speeches because of a broken heart. 

_But_ _love_ _can_ _also_ _be_ _ugly_ _. People_ _can_ _do_ _terrible_ _things_ _because_ _of_ _it,_ _and_ _they_ _..._ _they_ _can_ _become_ _terrible_ _things_ _because_ _of_ _it. I do_ _believe_ _that_ _,_ _most_ _times,_ _love_ _hurts_ _more_ _than_ _it does_ _good_ _._  

Enjolras covered his eyes with both hands, golden hair spread on the pillow beneath his head. He bit his lower lip to prevent a cry from sliding past them, trying unsuccessfully to prevent his breath to hitch on his throat. 

- 

All he could do was work. It was the only thing that distracted himself. 

Three weeks had passed, and Combeferre and Courfeyrac were always trying to distract him with movies and extra meetings at his place, along with other Amis – even Joly and Bossuet, who seemed to have forgiven him – but it was to no avail. The only thing that actually got Grantaire out of Enjolras' head was writing, so he devoted hours to it. He grew used to sleeping only 4 hours per night, waking up early so he could write and going to bed late so he could write more. He ended up with dozens of piles of notebooks that were mostly filled with speeches, but some contained random thoughts and things he could never say out loud. 

But no matter how much Enjolras distracted himself, the ache inside his chest only grew and grew until it became unbearable. He didn’t cry anymore – it felt useless – and he didn’t talk about Grantaire to anyone. He wanted to approach Joly or Bossuet and ask them about the man, ask where he was and how he was doing, but couldn’t bring himself to. If Grantaire wanted Enjolras to know, then they would have told him. Instead, he lived in oblivion, trapped in the dull world of going to work, going back home, eventually going to meetings writing until he passed out. 

"You can't keep going like this", Combeferre told him with seriousness after a meeting in which he delivered another half-hearted speech. "It's not healthy". 

"How so?" Enjolras asked, uninterested, as he packed his things to go home. "I eat. I work. I sleep. I'm living just like any healthy human being". 

"No, you're not", Combeferre held his forearm, stopping him from fussing with his notebook. "You're thinner. You're more tired. You lack _passion_. Everyone has been commenting". 

"Oh, how reassuring", Enjolras rolled his eyes. "Everyone is talking about me behind my back". 

"We need to talk about this, Enjolras", Combeferre continued. Enjolras tried to get away, but Combeferre's grip on his arm was strong. The leader sighed. "I'm your friend. I can't allow you to keep doing this to yourself". 

"I'm not doing anything", Enjolras muttered, breathing growing more rapid. 

"You don't speak to me or Courf anymore. You disappear on all non-meeting days. You've grown distant. This isn't good for you. We worry about you, we want to help". 

"You can't help", Enjolras said, voice constricted. "There is only one person who can, but he's not here". 

Combeferre let go of Enjolras' arm, shaking his hand in blatant disapproval. 

"We always criticized Grantaire for being so unhealthily attracted to you, but it seems we should have worried about the other way around, too", Combeferre said. Enjolras threw the last notebook inside his backpack with more harshness than necessary and stared at Combeferre. 

"It's not unhealthy", Enjolras said with anger. "I love him. I can't have him, so I'm sad. There's nothing unhealthy about that". 

"Yes, there is! You're neglecting your health and your happiness because of him!", Combeferre stormed, losing his temper. It hurt him deeply to see Enjolras like that.  

"I sleep and I eat and I take care of myself, what more do you want?" Enjolras retorted, walking away. Combeferre followed him. 

"I know you barely sleep, Enjolras, you do know I can see the time you make your posts on the blog, right?", Combeferre shouted behind him as they went up the street. "And you are thinner than I've ever seen you, so you're obviously not eating properly either. Just let me help you, ok?" 

"I don't _need_ help", Enjolras said stubbornly. "I'll be fine". 

"Enjolras, I won't stand idly and watch you ruin yourself!" 

"There is _nothing_ left to ruin!" Enjolras yelled, finally stopping on his tracks and turning on his heels so he could stare Combeferre in the eyes. The guide looked shocked. "I no longer feel like myself, Combeferre", his voice sounded so much quieter now that, compared with his previous words, Enjolras could be whispering. "I no longer feel the passion and the rage and the righteous anger that used to _fuel_ me. I no longer feel like anything matters without him beside me. And I don’t know what's _wrong_ with me, I've never felt like this before, nothing has ever been more important to me than the cause, and I promised myself I wouldn’t allow Grantaire to get in the way of that, but now he's the one thing I care about the _most_ and I can't help but to think about how _unhappy_ this makes me, but also how I wouldn’t trade it _for the world_ because at least I got to know how it's like to _be in love_ with him, even if it didn’t last for long". The last words were chocked out, knot on Enjolras' throat too tight for him to properly say the words. Combeferre was looking at him with the saddest expression Enjolras had even seen. 

"Oh, Enjolras", his best friend said, pulling Enjolras into a tight, breath-taking hug. Enjolras returned it, hands clinging at the fabric of Combeferre's shirt and nestling his head against the man's shoulder. Combeferre gave the best hugs, one of those that felt like they could take all the pain away for a few seconds. They simply stood there, in the middle of the street, hugging as if their lives depended on it. None spoke for a long time. 

"You need help", Combeferre finally whispered, not breaking the hug. "Let me help you". 

Enjolras took in a deep breath, hands falling limply beside his body. 

"How?", he asked, helpless. 

"If you want, I can stay with you for a while. Keep you company. It's not good for you to be on your own for so long". 

Enjolras didn’t say anything, he just stood there and let Combeferre hug him. 

"You need to learn how to function without him just as much as he needs to learn how to function without you", Combeferre said, and then broke their hug. He was staring deeply into Enjolras' eyes. "He agreed to go to rehab. He was taken into a clinic last week, and Joly didn’t tell me when he'll be out. But I think it will be a while". 

"But he had already detoxed", Enjolras frowned. "The party incident was a stand-alone case, wasn’t it?". Combeferre didn’t answer. " _Wasn’t_ it?" 

"He went back to drinking after the break up", Combeferre explained. "Even after the hospital. It drove Joly mad. He and Bossuet had a serious talk with him and they basically begged Grantaire to go. So he did". 

Enjolras lowered his head, worrying at his lower lip. 

"I was too afraid to ask", Enjolras muttered. "I was... I couldn’t. Thank you for telling me". 

Combeferre clicked his tongue, passing a protective arm around Enjolras' shoulder. 

"Let's get you home, shall we?", he suggested, and they headed silently to Enjolras' apartment, neither expecting the other to start a conversation. 

Having Combeferre temporarily live with him made things slightly better. Enjolras now had a regular sleeping schedule – much to his dismay – and shared all meals with his best friend, in a way that allowed Combeferre to make sure whether he was properly feeding himself or not. Enjolras wouldn’t admit it out loud, but spending all nights alone was starting to drive him mad. He had grown used to Grantaire's warm, constant presence beside him on the bed, and waking up to his scent was the best thing Enjolras could hope for. 

He still missed Grantaire so much it made his chest ache. But seeing Combeferre appear on his door with a (terrible) sandwich and a (decent) cup of juice made the pain dull, even if just a little. 

- 

A month passed, and Enjolras had gotten back to his usual routine. 

The pain for Grantaire's sudden departure from his life was still present, but Enjolras managed to put it into second thought so he could get through his days. The only moments where he would allow the feelings buried deep within his chest to flow out was when he was lying in his bed alone at night, a hollow feeling overcoming him and making him feel all the hidden pain he had been trying to suppress. 

He never told that to Combeferre. He didn’t want him to worry. 

Sometimes, Enjolras would find his feet taking him to places he frequented with Grantaire. The Corinthe, Josie's, the cinema Grantaire loved. He still couldn’t understand why he had fallen in love with Grantaire so quickly and truly, but seeing the dirty door of the small cinema always made a feeling of nostalgia erupt inside Enjolras' chest. How would it be possible for him _not_ to love Grantaire? 

He would usually enter and watch whatever movie they were playing on that night, even if he didn’t pay attention to the plot. Most times, if he closed his eyes, he could bring himself to believe that Grantaire was sitting there beside him, admiration and happiness in his eyes. 

Enjolras never slept after cinema nights. 

One day, though, everything changed abruptly. When Enjolras arrived at the Musain for the meeting, he found all the Amis gathered around one table and chatting excitedly, Joly being the center of attention. Enjolras approached them meekly, his presence yet unnoticed, trying to listen to what his friends were so happy about. 

"Sorry I didn’t tell you guys, we were busy settling things to make him feel at home", Bossuet was explaining, but Joly interrupted him while bearing a smile that went ear to ear. 

"He seems so much better, though! I talked to his doctors and therapists and I think it really probable that he's recovered, even with such a short treatment!" 

"Yes! But we shouldn’t drink around him for a while, guys, let's keep that in mind ok?" 

"That's wonderful news!", Marius exclaimed. 

"I'm so happy for him!", Jehan smiled. 

"When can we see him?", Bahorel asked. 

"Ah, I don’t know, but feel free to text or call him, he has his phone back!" Joly said, but his smiled abruptly died on his face as soon as he spotted Enjolras, who was standing nearby and staring fixedly at the group. "Ah". 

"Enjolras", Bossuet said, with a nervous smile, standing up from his seat. "We didn’t see you there. How – how are you?" 

Enjolras swallowed dry, eyes darting across the faces on the room. 

"Fine, I'm. Um. I'm fine", Enjolras said, awkward. He walked to the front table and removed his notebooks from his backpack, aware of all the wary looks on him. "Shall we start the meeting?" 

The Amis nodded, apprehensive, and scattered across the Musain's back room instead of crowding around one single table. A tense feeling hovered above the place during the whole meeting, Enjolras approaching the subjects he needed to approach and finishing the meeting a bit earlier. 

He could hear Joly calling his name as he walked to the backdoor, but didn’t bother to stop or turn around. He kept walking until he was out of the café, and then kept walking until he was home, and even inside his bedroom he kept walking, pacing across the room and ignoring the constant buzzing of his phone. 

Grantaire was back. 

He had gotten back but didn’t bother to contact Enjolras. Not that the leader had expected him to, but Enjolras had to admit that the hollow space inside his chest only grew wider as he realized that _this was it._ While Grantaire was on rehab, Enjolras could lie to himself and convince his own head that the only reason Grantaire wouldn’t contact him was because he _couldn’t_. But now? Now Grantaire could, but he still wouldn’t do it. This was the end. Grantaire didn’t want him back. They would never be together again. It was the end. 

Enjolras' phone eventually stopped buzzing, and he picked it up, seeing the missed calls were from Combeferre, Joly and Courfeyrac. He didn’t call them back, instead, he opened the conversation and stared at the month-old message he had never had the guts to send. 

Enjolras swallowed dry several times, staring at the bright screen that contrasted with the darkness of the bedroom. Before, Enjolras wouldn’t send it in fear of somehow disrupting Grantaire's treatment. Now, Grantaire was no longer on treatment, and Enjolras had nothing to lose. He needed to get the words out of his chest, to let Grantaire know how he felt and how sorry he was. 

In an impulse, he hit send. 

Enjolras threw the phone on the bed as if it had suddenly burst into flames, heart beating twice as fast as the realization of what he had done dawned upon him.  

What if Grantaire didn’t answer? 

Enjolras' breath hitched in his throat and he found himself gasping for air, anxiety overcoming him. Now he would _never_ be able to sleep through the night, and one of the promises he had made to Combeferre before the man finally moved out of his apartment was that he would keep up the sleeping schedule. Enjolras darted to the bathroom, picking the bottle of sleeping pills and swallowing two at the same time, hands shaking as he placed the bottle back into the cabinet. 

He stared fixedly at the screen for what felt like an eternity, waiting for Grantaire to respond. Minutes ticked by and the answer never came, until Enjolras' eyelids felt too heavy and his mind felt too sluggish for him to remain awake. 

When he woke up on the following morning, there was no text, only a single missed call from Grantaire's number. 

- 

He tried to call Grantaire several times, three days in a row. 

He never picked up. 

- 

Enjolras could no longer concentrate after that. All he could think of was Grantaire, and even if he still kept up with all the schedules Combeferre had made him, it still felt like his actions were mechanical and programmed. Lamarque sent him home after he dropped the same mug of coffee for the third time, and when he got there he suppressed the urge of calling Grantaire again and started writing instead. 

When Enjolras finished writing the 5th page of his notebook, he set it down, feeling the beginning of a headache appear on the back of his head. He drank two glasses of water and it didn’t go away. A sudden feeling of being trapped filled Enjolras, and the walls of his bedroom looked too small and tight. He needed to get out of there, he couldn’t stand being inside his own bedroom anymore, he could barely breathe in there. 

He grabbed his phone and put shoes on, leaving the apartment without a second thought. He didn’t even realize he had forgotten his keys until he found himself standing in front of Grantaire's favorite little cinema. 

The old lady who sold the tickets on the balcony smiled sympathetically at him, already used to Enjolras' constant presence there. Going there, even if he wouldn’t watch anything, made him feel somewhat closer to Grantaire when he was away. It made him feel more comfortable than he could at his own home. 

He took the ticket with a half-hearted 'thank you' and entered the room, lingering by the door while trying to figure out which seat would be the best for him to mope without being seen or judged by the (few) attendees of the cinema. The room was dark, the only light illuminating it was the one coming from the half-open door behind Enjolras and he could only see silhouettes, but his heart stopped and sunk to the bottom of his stomach when he spotted a mass of thick curls that could only belong to one person in the world. 

Enjolras was frozen on the spot, heart beating so fast inside his chest he was sure it was about to explode. He knew he was gaping and his palms were already sweaty, a feeling of cold and dread overcoming him. The streak of light from outside contrasted with the darkness of the room – the movie was already playing – and a few heads turned to look what had kept the door from closing.  

Grantaire turned back on his seat, looking at the door. He, too, looked like he got frozen on the spot when his eyes met Enjolras'. 

One of the few people scattered across the empty room told him to close the door, and Enjolras tight grip on it loosened, allowing it to slip close until the light was gone. He never took his eyes off Grantaire, and Grantaire never took his eyes off Enjolras. 

Enjolras didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to invade Grantaire's privacy – if he wasn’t picking up Enjolras' calls, was because he didn’t want to speak to him – but leaving now seemed like a waste of a golden opportunity. Plus, he was sure that Grantaire would misinterpret his leaving and assume that Enjolras didn’t want to talk to him. 

He hadn't seen Grantaire since he burst out of the nightclub on that horrid night. He could barely see his face now, the only thing casting a light over it was the screen of the cinema, but still, he looked as beautiful as ever. A warm feeling blossomed inside Enjolras' chest as he gazed upon those big grey eyes. 

His brain urged some movement into Enjolras' legs – he had been standing motionless in front of the door for about a minute now, and people were starting to give him confused, wary looks. He slowly walked down the corridor, legs shaking harder than he ever felt them, until he was standing in front of the row Grantaire was sitting on. Their eyes never left each other. In front of them, the movie was playing, ignoring Enjolras, Grantaire and their romantic tension completely. 

Their eyes never left each other, and now that Enjolras was closer, he could see Grantaire's face better and more clearly. His constant five-o'clock-shadow was missing, face completely shaven and revealing some of the acne scars that Grantaire hated. He looked pale but not unhealthily so, more like as if he had spent too much time away from the sun. He was wearing his favorite hoodie – one that Enjolras had borrowed many times without ever intending to return – and his hair looked as disheveled and perfect as ever, random curls sticking out and falling above his forehead. 

But his eyes, oh, that was what Enjolras had always loved the most. His big, grey eyes that were so expressive that made it impossible for Grantaire to ever hide what he was feeling. And now, his eyes were staring at Enjolras with a thousand emotions mixed together, expecting. Pain, anger, confusion, relief, happiness, wariness, longing. He had tensed up on his seat, nervously waiting to see what Enjolras would do. 

Enjolras didn’t want to push Grantaire. Instead, he sat down one seat away from him, leaving one empty seat between the two of them. Grantaire stared at him for a few more seconds, before turning his head to stare at the screen. Enjolras did the same, breathing still coming out in rapid, shaky puffs. 

Enjolras didn’t even know what the movie was, or what the plot was about. All he could think of was _Grantaire_ _is beside me_ _Grantaire_ _is right beside me I missed him so much I hadn't seen him in over a month I love him if I outstretch my hand I'll be able to touch him and feel his warmth oh my god_ _Grantaire_ _is r_ _i_ _g h t  b e s_ _i_ _d e  m  e_ – 

Something touched his hand. 

Enjolras stopped hyperventilating, breath catching in his throat. He looked down at his hand, which had been lying limply on the armrest of his seat, palm up. Grantaire had reached out to touch it ever-so-slightly, palm against Enjolras'. The leader's fingers twitched, nervous, unsure whether he should intertwine their fingers or not. Grantaire removed his hand, making Enjolras' stomach churn – did he do something wrong?? -, but the cynic allowed his hand to rest on the middle of the empty seat that was separating them. Grantaire's eyes never left the screen throughout this entire exchange, but Enjolras could tell he wasn’t watching the movie either. He shyly mimicked Grantaire and allowed his hand to rest on the seat between them, hands lying together side by side, but never touching each other. 

It felt juvenile. It felt pure. It felt simpler than Enjolras could remember their relationship ever being. They looked like a young pair of timid teens who had just found out what love was, and were too shy to hold each other's hands. A simple action – taking one hand into another – became the epitome of their nervousness, an action of such simplicity but at the same time felt like it could become the end of the world. It was as if holding hands was the best and most desirable thing they could ever do on that moment, the climax of their ruined relationship. As if they could simply die right after holding hands, for they would be complete with the simple contact of their palms. 

Enjolras wanted that. Enjolras  _needed_  that. 

Enjolras reached and placed his palm on the top of Grantaire's, slowly and gently intertwining their fingers. Both their palms were sweaty, but neither of them cared. 

Grantaire didn’t pull away this time. 

They watched the rest of the movie without looking at each other, not even for a moment. Their eyes were staring fixedly ahead, not daring to turn the slightest inch to the side. Enjolras' heart never quieted down, still thumping madly inside his chest. He feared what would happen after the movie ended; would Grantaire stand up and leave? Would he turn to look at Enjolras? Would they talk to each other? What would happen? 

Enjolras subconsciously held his breath when the movie ended and the credits started to roll. The people on the cinema – there couldn’t be over ten – started to get up and leave, until Grantaire and Enjolras were the only ones left on the room. The credits continued to roll until they ended, and then they were left with only silence. 

Only then Enjolras turned to look at Grantaire, to find the man still staring straight ahead at the blank screen. Enjolras didn’t know what to say, so he just looked at Grantaire's profile, taking in the shape of his nose, his chin, his lips. He unconsciously squeezed his hand. 

Grantaire let out a sigh at this, leaning his head back against the headrest and staring up at the ceiling instead. 

"We should leave", he said, voice low and husky and _way better_ than it sounded on Enjolras' memory. Hearing his voice again after such a long time sent shivers down Enjolras' spine. "The next session should start soon". 

"Y-yeah, we should", Enjolras said, mentally cursing himself for stuttering. Grantaire stood – not looking at him, never looking at him – and walked to the door, Enjolras right behind him. Grantaire slowed down so that Enjolras could catch up, and then they walked out of the cinema side by side. 

The silence was killing Enjolras. They walked straight past Grantaire's apartment building, which meant that Grantaire was going to walk him home like he always did. The familiarity of the action sent a comforting sensation to Enjolras' chest, and some of the dread that had filled his heart ever since he spotted Grantaire inside the cinema disappeared. 

Grantaire pulled out a cigarette from his back pocket, lighting it and placing it between his lips. He had never smoked beside Enjolras before, but the leader decided not to comment. If that made Grantaire comfortable, then Enjolras wouldn’t condemn him. Plus, the cigarette didn’t bother him anyway. 

What bothered him was the _silence_. 

"I got your message", Grantaire said, as if reading Enjolras' thoughts. Enjolras immediately turned his head to look at him, eyes wide with anticipation. Their hands bumped against each other, but they didn't handhold. 

"I'm sorry I didn’t pick up your call", Enjolras immediately said, cringing at the shakiness of his voice. "I fell asleep. I tried to call you afterwards, but... Well", he cut himself off, not wanting to sound accusing. 

Grantaire hummed lowly, breathing out a cloud of smoke. 

"Don't worry", was all he said before they fell into silence again. 

Enjolras desperately needed to keep the conversation going, but didn’t know how. Would it be too intrusive to ask him about the treatment he received on rehab? Should he ask how he was doing, if he was recovered, if he had forgiven him? 

What should he _do_? 

"I missed you", Enjolras heard himself say, and only after the words had already escaped his lips was when he realized the weight of them. Grantaire spared a single glance at him before turning his head once more and taking another drag of his cigarette.  

"I know", Grantaire said after a while. Enjolras' head dropped. "I missed you too", he continued, and Enjolras' eyes shot up at him with a sparkle of hope. 

They arrived at Enjolras' apartment building, and Grantaire leaned his back on the brick wall as he finished smoking his cigarette. He discarded the butt, stepping on it absentmindedly as he let out a final puff of smoke. Enjolras stared at him, cheeks flushed from both embarrassment and the coldness of the night. Grantaire finally turned his head to stare at him, eyes meeting for the first time since Enjolras entered the cinema room. The leader's heart rate increased even more, if that was possible. 

"What do you expect from me, Enjolras?" Grantaire finally asked after seconds of silent staring. Enjolras opened and closed his mouth, confused. 

"W-what...?" 

"What do you expect from me?" Grantaire repeated, straightening himself. "An apology? Forgiveness? Do you want me to tell you everything is fine and we can go back to whatever scrap of a relationship you think we had before?" 

Enjolras frowned, nervousness preventing him from speaking clearly. 

"N-no, I –  I don't, I mean, I don't know, I – um, I –" 

"Yeah, you don't know", Grantaire scoffed, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "Look, I will be honest to you. I've never had the greatest of self-esteems. Ever since I can remember, I've loathed myself, and I know I'm a pain in the ass and a jerk, but even _I_ know I didn’t deserve to be used and lied to like that". 

"I know", Enjolras chocked out, ashamed of the tears that were starting to pool in his eyes. "I know you didn’t deserve that, I never did it because I thought you deserved that", he took in a deep, shaky breath, trying to calm himself. "I did it because I was stupid and selfish, and didn’t weight the outcomes of my actions. I don’t expect you to forgive me, R", another breath, shakier this time. "Only that you understand that the Enjolras who took that bet, the Enjolras who lied to you and hurt you, that Enjolras no longer exists. I don’t want to be him anymore. I don’t want to _hurt_ you anymore". 

"I don't believe people can change, Enjolras", Grantaire whispered, voice and expression grim. 

"But you believe in me", Enjolras chocked out. "You always have". 

Grantaire let out a sigh, looking upwards instead of at Enjolras. He undid the tight knots his arms had twisted into, allowing them to fall limply beside his body. Enjolras dared to reach and take one of Grantaire's hands into his, taking one step closer to the man. 

"I am sorry for everything I made you go through", Enjolras whispered, looking at Grantaire even though the man wasn’t looking at him. "I'm sorry for breaking your heart. I don’t expect you to forgive me, I just want you to know how sorry I am. If you read my message, than you know that I mean it. I won't ever lie to you again". 

Grantaire let out a shaky sigh, tears pooling on his eyes too. Enjolras raised his spare hand to gently touch Grantaire's chin, propping his head towards him until they were looking into each other's eyes. The slow movement made a tear fall from Grantaire's eye, but he didn’t bother to brush it way, staring attentively at Enjolras instead with what seemed to be pleading eyes. 

"I will always love you, no matter what", Enjolras whispered, making Grantaire take in a harsh and shaky breath, biting his lower lip as if not to cry. "Even if you don't want me anymore. Even if you don’t want to see me ever again. I will respect you. Just say the words, and I will never look for you again. But this sentiment", Enjolras rubbed his chest emphatically, hand never leaving Grantaire's. He placed Grantaire's palm on the top of his chest, holding it in place with his own hand. "This sentiment that has blossomed and grown inside my chest, this love I feel for you, this will never go away. I don’t _want_ it to go away. Even if you stop loving me". 

"I've never stopped loving you, Enjolras", Grantaire whispered, voice breaking. Another tear slid down his cheek, but Enjolras brushed it away this time. "I've always loved you, with every broken, shattered piece of my heart". 

It was Enjolras' time to cry as the tears escaped his eyes too. He bit his lower lip, stopping a sob. 

"I'm so sorry", Enjolras murmured, stepping closer to Grantaire. "I'm so sorry I hurt you so badly. I love you so much". 

"I love you too", Grantaire said, voice filled with so much emotion that it sent shivers down Enjolras spine. He loved Grantaire, and Grantaire loved him. "And I forgive you". 

Enjolras' knees buckled and he finally allowed the sob growing in his chest to escape. He and Grantaire went in for a hug at the same time, bumping against each other and holding each other in their arms as they sobbed frantically. Enjolras' hands clung to the fabric of Grantaire's hoodie like a lifeline, breathing in through the tears so he could finally feel the scent he had been dreaming of for the past month. His chocked sobs became sobs of happiness as Grantaire did exactly the same to him, clinging and breathing and sobbing, a mess of confused emotions making them smile and cry and sniff all at the same time. 

Enjolras broke their hug, holding Grantaire's face between his two hands and staring at the man with wide eyes and a dumb smile. He wanted to – no, he needed to – kiss Grantaire. To feel his sweet, soft lips against him, the warm feeling and the goosebumps and the sensations his tongue made him feel – but he didn’t want to push Grantaire. 

"Do you permit it?" Enjolras asked, panting from anticipation. Grantaire wasted no time and closed the distance between them with a smile, pulling Enjolras into a breath-taking kiss that made his knees buckle again. He would have fallen on his back on the floor if it wasn’t for Grantaire's tight grip on his hip. The cyic's other hand had its palm splayed on the small of Enjolras' back, pushing it forward towards his own body. They kissed passionately, all the tension and longing and hurt they both felt over the past month dissipating into breathing and panting and rubbing and friction. When they finally parted for air, they both had a dumb smile on their kiss-bruised lips, faces flushed and breaths coming out in quick pants. 

"I love you", Enjolras said, swallowing. Grantaire shoved his hand on the nape of Enjolras' neck, slowly rubbing his thumb across the sensitive skin. 

"I love you", Grantaire said, voice rough, before pulling Enjolras into another kiss. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can totally add a smutty epilogue if you want me to, I didn't put it here because I didn't think it would fit the chapter  
> (I'll let you know it's basically just smut tho so yeah)


	8. The Smutty Epilogue

They went to Enjolras' apartment, though it took longer than usual for them to climb the stairs since they stopped every other minute to make out against the wall. Their faces were flushed as they passionately kissed and bit each other's lips and necks, leaving marks above flustered, warm skin as if to make up for the desperation that the last month apart had been. Grantaire was Enjolras' and Enjolras was Grantaire's, and that was all they could care about on that moment. 

Opening the door of his own apartment while Grantaire bit at his collarbone was one of the most difficult tasks Enjolras had ever faced, but after two hickeys and another making out session he finally made it, kicking his shoes off and dropping his jacket on the middle of the floor without a second thought. He could pick those up later, all that mattered right now was Grantaire, Grantaire who was back and there and who had forgiven him, Grantaire who had suffered so much because of Enjolras' mistake but who had forgiven him anyway, Grantaire who deserved all the good things this world could offer him and that _Enjolras_ could offer him and Grantaire who deserved to be _finally happy_. 

Enjolras couldn’t wait any longer. Grantaire had forgiven, but he still had to make up for him. He would make him feel good about himself. He would make him _happy_. 

He pulled Grantaire by the collar of his shirt and gave him a lip-bruising kiss, staring at each other for a few fractions of a second after they parted until Enjolras caught Grantaire's hand and pulled him to his bedroom. 

It was Grantaire's turn to kick his shoes off, removing his shirt with way less insecurity than he used to have before all this. Enjolras allowed his fingertips to trace across Grantaire's abdomen, looking at it with eager eyes. Grantaire shivered beneath his touch, watching as Enjolras watched _him_. 

"I missed you so much", Enjolras whispered, looking up at Grantaire and gluing their bodies together. Grantaire kissed the corners of Enjolras' mouth and nibbled at the tip of Enjolras' earlobe before whispering on his ear with the husky tone that the leader had missed: 

"I missed you too". 

Shivers ran down Enjolras' spine and he closed his eyes, enjoying the pleasant sensations that ran down his body all the way to his crotch as Grantaire licked and bit at his neck in the way that he knew drove Enjolras crazy. It seemed that all the pain they endured and the time they spent apart wasn’t enough to make Grantaire's habits disappear. 

Enjolras' hands reached down to undo Grantaire's pants, and only when he opened the button and the fabric instantly slid down all the way down to his knees was when Enjolras realized how _thinner_ Grantaire was. A twitch of guilt made his chest ache, and he looked up at his boyfriend with sad eyes. 

"What?" Grantaire frowned, lips bruised from kissing and pupils blown wide.  

"You're thinner", Enjolras said, letting his hands rest on each side of Grantaire's hips. 

"Well, yes", Grantaire rolled his eyes and smirked, and Enjolras' heart beat twice as fast as he remembered all the times Grantaire had done that on the past, how he hadn't changed even after all he went through on the past month. Enjolras smiled and removed his own shirt, allowing Grantaire to step out of his own pants as he removed his. In no time they were both standing on their boxers, staring at each other with lust-filled eyes. Enjolras bit his lower lip as he watched the way Grantaire's Adam's apple moved when he swallowed dry. 

He pulled Grantaire into another passionate kiss before gently pushing him to the bed until he was lying down. Grantaire lifted his hands as if to push Enjolras into position, but Enjolras held them, placing a soft kiss on each palm before pushing them back down against the matress. Grantaire stared in confusion, and Enjolras spread his legs with careful hands. 

During the time they had been together, it was always Grantaire who sucked Enjolras off, and always Enjolras who rode Grantaire. Even if he wanted to, Enjolras had never given Grantaire a blowjob – he never had the opportunity; Grantaire was always quicker than him and the things he did with his mouth and tongue left Enjolras too exhausted to even try to get on his wobbling knees. But now, his only and sole purpose was to make Grantaire feel good. 

Enjolras lied on the bed between Grantaire's legs, face resting right above his crotch. He placed a sloppy kiss on his growing erection through the fabric of the boxers, rejoicing at the way Grantaire hissed from pleasure. But then there was a hand on his curls, caressing and tugging gently to call his attention. Enjolras looked up to see Grantaire staring at him with an unreadable look. 

"You don’t have to do this", Grantaire said. 

"I don’t", Enjolras nodded. "But I would like to. Unless _you_ don’t want me to", he quickly added. 

"Fuck", Grantaire scoffed, throwing his head back and leaving his neck exposed to Enjolras, who licked his own lips. "Hell knows how I want you to. But I don’t want you to do this just because you're guilty about the past month, Enj". 

"That's not why I'm doing this", Enjolras said, placing another kiss on Grantaire's erection. "I'm doing this because I want to know how it feels to take your cock in my mouth". 

Grantaire's erection twitched at this and Enjolras could feel Grantaire's breathing pattern grown more rapid. 

"I love you", Enjolras said, allowing his fingers to gently trade across the sensitive skin of Grantaire's inner thighs before reaching the edge of his boxers. "And I want to make you feel good. You _deserve_ to feel good". 

"Enjolras", Grantaire whispered, staring at Enjolras through half-lidded eyes from where he was half-sitting, half-lying on the bed, propped up by Enjolras' pillows. Enjolras stared up from where he had his chin resting on Grantaire's thigh, mouth an inch away from the cynic's still hidden erection. 

"Do you want this?" Enjolras asked, voice merely above a whisper. 

"I just don’t want you to do this because you're feeling guilty", Grantaire explained in a firm voice. His fingers were caressing the nape of Enjolras' neck, face pleading him to understand. 

"I've always wanted to do this", Enjolras told him, blinking up at Grantaire. He wasn’t aware of the innocent look that was on his face, contrasting with the fact that he had his face on someone else's crotch. "But I was too embarrassed to ask you if you wanted to", he swallowed dry. "We have been apart for too long. I'm no longer afraid. I want to do this. But only if _you_ want me to". 

Grantaire studied him for a long while, lips slightly parted in desire.  

"Alright", Grantaire said, letting out a shaky breath. 

"I love you", Enjolras repeated, propping himself up on his elbows so that he could reach to pull Grantaire's boxers off. "You believe me, don't you?" 

Grantaire hesitated for a few seconds, head thrown back and leaning against the pillows, staring at the ceiling instead of Enjolras. Something inside Enjolras' chest tightened. 

"I do", Grantaire finally responded. "I believe in you". 

A shaky breath passed Enjolras's lips and he finally pulled Grantaire's boxers off, allowing his erection to bounce free. Grantaire was longer than Enjolras, and thicker too. It was amazing to feel the cynic inside him, but taking him in his mouth was something Enjolras had never experienced before. He wasn’t even sure how to do it, but all that mattered was giving Grantaire pleasure. 

"You know", Enjolras said, a devious smirk on his rosy lips as he mimicked what Grantaire had said to him on their first time. "I wouldn’t mind if you wanted to be a little rough". 

Grantaire looked down at him, astonishment lingering on his face for a few seconds before he remembered that he had told Enjolras those exact same words in the past. He allowed the fingers that were caressing Enjolras' neck to slide up until there was a handful of blonde curls beneath his fingers. He fisted them, with enough force to still Enjolras' head if he wanted to but not enough to hurt him. A smirk appeared on Grantaire's face and Enjolras licked his own lips teasingly before turning his whole attention to Grantaire's cock. 

He started by allowing his tongue to curl around the head, earning another hiss from Grantaire. One of Enjolras hand was holding the shaft of Grantaire's cock while the other was supporting his weight on the bed. He made rhythmical movements with his hand as he licked Grantaire's glans, jerking him off as he teased the tip of his cock. Grantaire let out a little whimper, cock twitching, as he tried to contain himself. God, Enjolras was so _hot_. He looked so hot like this, lying on his belly, _teasing_ Grantaire, giving him pleasure. Grantaire wanted nothing more than to fuck him, fill his tight ass until he was whimpering from pleasure and screaming Grantaire's name. Oh, how Grantaire had missed Enjolras' voice screaming his name. 

How he had missed Enjolras. 

Enjolras seemed to grow bored of teasing, and finally – to Grantaire's relief, he didn’t know how much longer he'd be able to take that – took Grantaire's cock into his mouth, or at least a good part of it. It was too big for Enjolras to take everything at once, even if he planned on doing that. He started with slow, rhythmic bobbing movements, alternating between sucking Grantaire's cock between the bobs and allowing his tongue to curl around the shaft as he managed to sink lower and lower towards the cynic's crotch. Enjolras shivered at the pleasant pressure of Grantaire's firm grip on his hair. 

Grantaire's cock finally reached the back of Enjolras' throat, and Enjolras took in a deep breath. He had never deepthroated before – he had never _sucked dick_ before -, but he could imagine what it would feel like, especially with Grantaire's length. He tried to relax his throat to allow Grantaire's cock to slide past it, but couldn’t help but to choke and make a noise that sent a blush of embarrassment to his face. Grantaire's grip on his hair soothed and he went back to caressing, reassuring Enjolras. He tried again, managing to take more of Grantaire's cock into his throat before chocking again. He pulled away from Grantaire's cock in one quick movement so he could catch his breath, and Grantaire allowed his thumb to caress Enjolras' cheekbone. 

"You don't have to do this, Enj", he said, voice warm and comforting. 

 _H_ _e doesn’t think I can do it_ , Enjolras thought. Something petty and arrogant rose inside Enjolras' chest. He would prove Grantaire was wrong, and he would give him so much pleasure he would end up seeing stars. 

He looked up at Grantaire one last time, rosy tips resting against the head, before breathing in deeply and taking Grantaire into his mouth again. Grantaire let out a loud groan he couldn't contain, and Enjolras' own erection twitched inside his boxers. He began making bobbing movements again, putting as much saliva and tongue to work as he could, until he could feel the taste of Grantaire's precum. 

His rhythm had grown fast in a way that made his jaw ache, and even when Grantaire's cock hit the back of his throat and made him choke again, Enjolras didn’t stop. He was aware of the sounds he was making, choking wet sounds that made Grantaire's hand tighten again on his curls and gently and slowly push him down to help him take his entire cock. Enjolras stopped the bobbing motions and allowed Grantaire to push his head all the way down, until Enjolras' nose was pressed against his crotch and his throat was stuffed with Grantaire. 

They stayed in that position for a few moments, Enjolras breathing deeply through his nose and Grantaire's hand keeping him in place. Enjolras felt so good. He could stay like that forever. 

And then Grantaire suddenly pulled him back up until his cock was no longer inside Enjolras' mouth, a streak of saliva and precum still connecting Enjolras' parted lips to Grantaire's cock. The mixture dripped from the rosy lips until it was hanging from Enjolras' chin, dripping on Grantaire's thigh. The cynic used his spare hand to brush it away from his lover's chin, smearing it across Enjolras' flushed cheek. The leader was staring at Grantaire with desire, breathing harshly through his parted lips and blushing. His head was tilted slightly back by Grantaire's grip on the back of it, hand still fisting a handful of hair, and Enjolras' eyelids were half-closed from lust and eagerness. 

"You're so fucking beautiful", Grantaire whispered, and Enjolras moaned, literally _moaned_ , from the praise. "You look godly like this. I should paint you", he allowed one of his fingers to slip past Enjolras' lips, and the man sucked on it eagerly. "You're the most beautiful man I have ever seen", another finger slipped past Enjolras' sucking lips, and then another. "You're amazing. You're beautiful. You're _mine_ ", he growled, and then he pulled his fingers away from Enjolras' mouth, making the leader whine in protest. "And I love you", Grantaire added, pushing Enjolras' face back against his cock, making him take all the length at once. Enjolras moaned with pleasure. He pulled Enjolras head all the way back again so he could look him in the eye. "More than everything", he shoved Enjolras' face all the way down and pulled it all the way back up. "More than anything", he repeated the action, pushing Enjolras down and up again. "And _forever_ ", he whispered finally, holding Enjolras' head in place instead of pushing him back down on his cock. 

"Please", Enjolras moaned, licking his lips eagerly and sending Grantaire a begging look through half-lidded eyes. "Please", he repeated, voice merely above a whisper. 

"Please what?" Grantaire asked, a teasing smirk on his face. 

"Please let me suck you off", Enjolras said, eyelids fluttering close and breaths coming out in pants. "Please, come on my face". 

Grantaire allowed his thumb to stroke Enjolras' cheek for a few more seconds before complying and pushing him back down on his cock, more slowly this time. Enjolras moaned and the sound vibrated through Grantaire's cock, and the cynic himself couldn’t suppress a moan. Grantaire was a loud man in bed, and as Enjolras sucked him off in a rapid rhythm, taking him all the way down his throat and then back up again, Grantaire couldn’t help but to moan and groan all the way through it. 

The sounds Grantaire was making were driving Enjolras to the edge, a pleasant feeling of accomplishment filling his chest and making his own cock twitch painfully in his boxers. Every time Grantaire's cock filled his throat all the way Enjolras felt a shiver run down his spine, and he decided to try something. He stilled his head and stopped bobbing when Grantaire entered his throat entirely, making swallowing movements instead. As he swallowed, his throat constricted around Grantaire's length, and the cynic let out a sharp cry at the new sensation. 

"Fuck", he cried, grip on Enjolras' scalp tightening so much it sent tears to Enjolras' eyes, but he didn’t pull away. Grantaire's other hand was grabbing the bedsheets as if they were a lifeline. "Fuck, Enjolras, I'm gonna – I'm gonna c-cum if you keep – fuck, I'm –" 

The fact that Grantaire couldn’t seem to form a coherent thought made Enjolras smirk around the cock in his mouth, and he went back to sucking him off. Grantaire's hand holding his head finally went into action and moved Enjolras' head in the rhythm that suited him best, which was fast and unsteady and then he was thrusting into Enjolras' eager mouth, entering his throat and then going all the way back just to enter it again, Enjolras' staying still and keeping his mouth wide open to allow Grantaire's cock to slip in all the way in as he pleased. All Enjolras could do was allow his head to be moved and his tongue to slid past his lips, curling around Grantaire's cock as it entered and exited his mouth in a quick pace.  

Enjolras had never felt so wonderful. If he had known sucking cock felt this good, he would have done this way sooner. Now he understood why Grantaire always took the initiative to suck him off first. All he could think about was Grantaire, Grantaire's cock on his throat, Grantaire's taste on his mouth, Grantaire's scent filling his very being to the core, Grantaire's hand on his scalp, Grantaire's moans and curses and whimpers and calls of his name echoing on the room, Grantaire, _Grantaire_ , **Grantaire** , **_Grantaire_** –  

"Fuck, Enjolras", Grantaire was moaning, voice bearing desperation. He continued moving Enjolras' head as he spoke. "You really want m-me to cum on your fa – ah, ah fuck, your f-face?" 

Enjolras tried to nod, but found out he couldn’t because of Grantaire's grip on his hair, still making his head bob rhythmically up and down. He hummed with agreement instead, despite of the cock obstructing his throat, and tried to make himself as clear as possible.  

"Oh my fucking – god, you're so beautiful, fuck", Grantaire was saying, and then there was a hand brushing Enjolras' curls away from his eyes, placing them on the back of his ears, and Grantaire growled with pleasure once more before chocking out: "Please, look – ah, look at me, I want to see y-you –" 

And then Enjolras looked up as Grantaire thrusted into his mouth and he sucked him off, eyes rolling up in their sockets so that he could properly look at Grantaire, whose face was flushed and whose lips were parted to form a desperate 'o' and whose brow was frowning in pleasure. He looked more beautiful than Enjolras had ever seen him, and he gave his cock a harder suck just to see what reaction he would earn. Grantaire was staring deeply into Enjolras' eyes and he let out a loud cry at the tease, head shooting back as his hips continued thrusting non-stop, Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed over and over trying to contain his moans. 

Then Enjolras' lust-filled, sluggish mind caught up and he remembered he hadn't done swallowing movements himself for a while. He did so just as Grantaire's cock slid past his throat, eyes never leaving the cynic, and rejoiced at the way Grantaire's face contorted with pleasure at the action. He repeated it several times, alternating between swallowing and sucking as Grantaire thrusted his cock in his mouth, until Grantaire let out a sharp cry of Enjolras' name and pulled the leader's head all the way back and away from his cock only so that he could come on Enjolras' face as promised.  

Grantaire's come spilled all over Enjolras' forehead, the bridge of his nose, one of his cheeks and mostly on his mouth and chin as he eagerly parted his lips and outstretched his tongue to catch it. Grantaire tasted salty but Enjolras loved it, swallowing greedily what had managed to fall into his mouth. Grantaire's hand on his scalp loosened its grip and fell limply on the bed beside him, at the same time Grantaire fell boneless against the pillows, eyes unfocused and breaths still coming in harsh pants.  

Enjolras jumped over one of Grantaire's legs and crawled his way up to the bed until he was lying on his side, propped up by one elbow, beside Grantaire's exhausted form. Grantaire turned to look at him, eyes full of such adoration and love that Enjolras' chest filled with something warm. But his face was still covered in Grantaire's cum, and he needed to do something about that. 

Before Grantaire could do anything, Enjolras raised his own hand to his face and coated his fingers with Grantaire's still warm semen, taking it to his lips and sucking while Grantaire watched. He repeated the action until there was barely no more cum left on his face, only then allowing himself to pull Grantaire into a passionate kiss. 

Grantaire was no fool. He could see how hard Enjolras was, but there was no way he could suck him off right now, exhausted as he was. Instead, he pulled Enjolras' boxers down to his knees, aware of the leader's attentive look on him, and then turned on his back and then on his side, back now turned to Enjolras, so he could reach for the nightstand. He pulled the small drawer open and from there, fished a small pot of lube. He turned to Enjolras again, who had a questioning look in his eyes. 

"Are you sure about this?" Enjolras asked, uncertain. He had never been inside Grantaire, only the other way around. 

"I'm sure", Grantaire said, voice husky and breathless. 

If Enjolras thought that sucking Grantaire was the best experience he could have in his life, it was because he had never _entered_ Grantaire before. It felt like his cock was melting from the warmness and tightness of his ass, muscles squirming and adapting to Enjolras' presence inside him and sending shivers of pleasure through Enjolras' entire body. But the face Grantaire was making, as if he had never felt so good in his life, and the way that his cock was already getting hard again, was what drove Enjolras to the edge. As soon as he was sure that Grantaire was comfortable enough, he started thrusting, slowly at first, but pace increasing with Grantaire's each pleased sob. 

His bed was creaking loudly now, but Enjolras couldn't care less. 

He kept the pace of his thrusts as he leaned forward so that he could nearly lie above Grantaire, holding the cynic's arms above the man's head as he fucked him against the mattress, rejoicing at the way Grantaire's eyes shut tightly and he bit his lower lip in pleasure. Enjolras kissed him as he thrust, tongues intertwining with each other for a few seconds before Enjolras bit the cynic's lower lip. 

"Ah", Grantaire was moaning desperately now. "Fuck, deeper, Enjolras, deep –" 

Enjolras complied and thrust deeper into Grantaire, reaching down to bite at his collarbone and to suck at one of his nipples. Grantaire was nearly coming again, Enjolras could tell. He allowed his forehead to rest against the pillow that Grantaire was leaning on, sucking lightly at the earlobe before whispering "I love you" at Grantaire's ear. Enjolras then propped himself up on the bed so he could thrust even deeper into Grantaire, and the way the cynic's eyes rolled to back of his skull as he came with a long, guttural moan was enough to make Enjolras come too, deep inside Grantaire as the man had requested. 

Enjolras allowed himself to slip out of Grantaire's warmness much to his dismay, taking the last energy he still had in his body to lick away the little cum that Grantaire had spilled on his own belly. The cynic shivered beneath the feel of Enjolras' tongue, but said nothing, to exhausted to even form a coherent thought. 

Enjolras finally fell on the bed beside Grantaire, taking the man's offered shoulder and leaning his head against it. Soon, there was a lazy hand caressing Enjolras' curls, and he found himself snuggling closer to his boyfriend, head now resting against his chest instead. 

"God", Grantaire said after minutes of silent panting. "That was something else. I think I'll disappear for another month or two just to have another night like this", he chuckled, teasing. 

But Enjolras immediately propped himself up on the bed so he could stare at Grantaire, eyes hurt and full of disbelief. 

"Enj, relax", Grantaire said, staring up at Enjolras with a raised eyebrow. "It was a joke". 

Enjolras stared for a few more seconds before slowly returning to their cuddling position. 

"Promise me", he whispered after a few minutes, but Grantaire, who had already been dozing off, didn’t understand. 

"Hm?", he asked, sounding sleepy. 

"Promise me you won't leave me again", Enjolras said, arm thrown across Grantaire's torso. 

"Only if you promise to never pull something like that bet thing off again", Grantaire said, placing a soft kiss at the top of Enjolras' head. 

"I would never", Enjolras said, serious, allowing his hand to trade across the skin of Grantaire's arm. "I won't ever hurt you like that again. I promise". 

"Then I promise that I won't ever leave you like that again", Grantaire mimicked, caressing Enjolras' curls. 

They fell asleep like that, warm, cozy, bodies glued together as if they never wanted to leave each other, Grantaire's fingers lost through Enjolras' curls and Enjolras' thoughts melting from Grantaire's scent. 

They were both happy together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am sorry

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back with the angst  
> If you liked this, please leave kudos and a comment, they motivate me and keep me writing ♥ Constructive criticism is always appreciated, and you can find me on edema--ruh.tumblr.com or @plutoactivist on twitter ;-)


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